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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It continues because i let it.

15 replies

magicgirl79 · 05/02/2015 21:28

Posted before about our family life, H now has a p/t job which is good but has been offered f/t but not interested.

Backround is I have supported him for the past 12 yrs, I have paid mortgage and all bills, car repairs etc and this really started to grind me down. But now he has this p/t job.

He also smokes weed daily but cant when he is working but now he comes home in such moods, can hardly speak until he gets his smoke but this now is grinding me, its actually horrible.

He also has a problem with me wanting to have a social life with friends. I told him last week a friend had asked me out for a drink as she had spilt from her boyfriend, this caused him to take the huff.

Then the other hand he will be super nice and its like the bad points don't matter, it really mixes me up, I get to the point where I feel strong to start a new life with our child then he goes all nice!

Not sure what im looking for but just wanted to get that off my chest.

OP posts:

CitySnicker · 05/02/2015 21:37

Did / does he do majority house and child related duties? If he went full time could / would you go part time?
He sounds like a twat regardless.

thisisnow · 05/02/2015 21:54

I think you sound deeply unhappy and you just need to work up the courage to leave. Not allowing you to have your own life and only being nice when you say you're going to leave it's kind of emotional blackmail really. I know it's terrifying after all those years together but it sounds like he is bringing you down.

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 05/02/2015 22:05

I am unhappy, and I desperately want to be happy but I don't think we can get back to that, he does bring me down as well, his mood can bring me down so fast, this then reflects on my child.

CitySnicker ~ He did housework if I asked or I did it myself and still do, I don't see why I should have to ask, after all I do it on my own back without being asked. If he went f/t it would mean I would know it is something more reliable. I was made redundant from my previous job and this shook me and now I always worry about my present job. During and after my redundancy he never made any attempt to work.

OP posts:

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 05/02/2015 23:13

I get to the point where I feel strong to start a new life with our child then he goes all nice!

How long does it last? What constitutes "nice"?

Iflyaway · 05/02/2015 23:30

I smoke weed every day too, it is not an excuse to not do anything.

I am a single mum who.s DS is doing really well. We are both working and studying.

Chuck him if he won't pull his weight!

I think he is the problem, not the weed.....

CitySnicker · 05/02/2015 23:59

When people tell me they smoke or smoked weed regularly I always look at them and think, 'yeh, I can tell.' Not saying I could with every single person, just from personal experience.

CitySnicker · 06/02/2015 00:03

And I might be getting my drugs mixed up.

Iflyaway · 06/02/2015 00:04

You have taken care of him for 12 years but he won.t get a full time job....

What the fuck is wrong with you?! (meant in the nicest possible way!)...

He is controlling and won,t let you see a friend?! wtf?!

You know that is how men control you.....

Get rid.

Life is too short, sweetheart!

I am a single mum, best way to be when the dad is bullshit!

Go to CAB, anywhere where you can find out your rights to chuck him out. You cannot save him!

Iflyaway · 06/02/2015 00:12

WOW, you actually have a child in this situation....[shock}

Think on how this will impact her/him (by staying in it)....

Iflyaway · 06/02/2015 00:25

My son is 23 and I have done the single mum thing - since he was 6 months old - smoked a joint a day better than pills! - since I was 16, going on 60, never stopped me working or taking care parents dying, son through puberty, teenage years into his 20,s blah blah.

No of course I'm not perfect - whatever works for you basically. Works for me.

thank god I don't fall for the first man I come across!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2015 06:59

This is what I wrote to you last time and it will not change unless you act for your own self here. You are indeed doing your own bit to enable this situation to continue as well.

Is this really what you want your child to remember about their childhood, after all they only get one and your own was not great either. No-one sadly protected you and got you out but things are different now and you know his treatment of you is wrong on so many levels. That is also why you keep writing.

You will remember both happiness and freedom only if you break away from these two (both your H and your mother) completely. It is of no surprise to me that you went onto marry someone like your abusive H because your own controlling mother showed you that particular template when you were young. She taught you a hell of a lot of damaging relationship lessons.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave if this is truly what you want to do. Their number is 0808 2000 247 FREE. Living on eggshells to my mind is code for living in fear. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none. That is correct, none.

You are in your late 30s; you really do not want to be entering the next year let alone the next two or three decades in the same situation as you are in now. You have no life and will not so long as both this man and your mother are at all in it; she and now he have done their own bit to drag you down with them. Do not grow flowers in this hole any longer but dig your way out instead!.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2015 10:03

Your title is true, you have the power to stop this but perhaps feel apprehensive and worry you'll be making a mistake.

Do you feel loved and cherished?
When did he last do something spontaneous for you?
Do you feel like a different more upbeat person when at work?
Do you find yourself dawdling when out of the home to delay walking in and spending time with him?

He doesn't have to be aggressive or vicious to provide you with a reason for wanting out. As it is the moods must get you down, and having a child living in that atmosphere can't be good for her/him. A nice/nasty cycle is just that, keeps you wondering what next, and never consistent.

Definitely keep up friendships and remember it's not 'babysitting' when he's spending time with your DC in your absence.

WundaWumman · 06/02/2015 17:55

OP, my story is so v v v similar to yours. It really is bizarre! Although the huffing stopped, I could tell that he was cross when I made plans to go out, just tried to show it less...

Today I signed for a flat of my own. I am terrified and feel incredibly guilty but i know that I must do it, I cannot go on like this anymore. You can join me in the journey?

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 06/02/2015 21:42

WundaWumman ~ you are so brave! I wish I could be but I am such an anxious scared person!

But only in my relationship, every where else im confident.

I know I will probably never change this, I have lost all confidence and I cant explain how scared I am, im sad, that when I am away ever for a working day I gain confidence and then it is lost.

The worrying part is, I don't even know what I scared off, I think it is that people will get hurt and be disappointed in me, it really is no life xx

OP posts:

talbotinthesky · 07/02/2015 07:12

I had a friend who didn't work for years when he smoked weed, it just doesn't suit some people. I'd be telling him to make a choice, he's been taking the piss for a good while it would seem. Drop the weed smoking and get a ft job or get the fuck out.
He sounds like a right prick!

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