I am really doing this. Please tell me it's the right thing.

[wewillmendit]

So, after several months of living with, but separated from, h, today I signed up for my new house.
I feel sick. Dd still doesn't know, although she has obviously picked up that things between her dad and I are not the same now.

It still doesn't feel real. I still expect h to come home one day and say that he will make amends and change, although I know he will never change. He hasn't changed in almost 20 years

I know it will break DD's heart. How will we all come out the other side of this as unscathed as possible?
I can cope with me, but dd doesn't deserve this.

You've obviously not arrived at this decision without lots of soul-searching, so it's the right decision for you. How you tell your daughter is somewhat dependent on her age - different approach for a teenager than for a five year old! Either way, remind yourself that she will overall be happier with two separate parents than living in a house without joy.

Tell us more about her age and I'm sure you'll get some suggestions as to a good strategy to employ.

She is 9. She adores her dad!
I know you are right optimist, she will be happier, we all will. It's just the actual doing it.

At 9 she'll have experience of families where the parents are divorced, so at least you don't have to explain the mechanics to her. My own experience was breaking the news to teenagers, so I'm probably not the best person to offer advice.

Hopefully you and your husband can agree that in regard to your daughter there will be no broken promises, plenty of reassurance that she's not to blame and is loved by both of you as much as ever, that she will see her dad on a regular basis and that you won't bad-mouth each other to her. It'll make sense for you to tell the school so that they're aware of the circumstances.

(That all sounds a bit trite, but I didn't want to read and run - perhaps someone with experience of dealing with a child of your daughter's age will be along to be more constructive. In any case, I wish you well in the new chapter of your life.)

Thank you Optimist, and no, not trite at all.
Everything you said is spot on. The thing that worries me is that h won't be able to keep it together when we are telling her. As in allowing his anger toward me take over.

There is no place for 'his anger' when talking to a child. If you think that's a possibility then tell him up front that any anger and the conversation stops right there.

Children IME are mostly concerned with how events will affect them personally. She will naturally be worried about the pair of you and it's OK to tell her that what's happening is sad and upsetting. But if you can stress the things that will stay the same - seeing Dad, going to school, friends, hobbies - and you appear to be convinced that this is an adult decision that is going to work then she'll trust you. Try to avoid going into the specific reasons for the split because children can sometimes adopt some of the blame or they can try to find a fix.

Thank you cogito. I totally agree that the conversation will stop if he gets angry.
I worry that having to remain in this situation for months has already affected dd. But I feel confident that things will work out ok.

When are you going to tell her, wewill ? Sooner rather than later is my advice. She's been aware that things aren't right for a while and will have an explanation. Do you have half term coming up? Would that be a suitable time for her to start to process the situation?

Yes, going to tell her at the weekend so she has half term to start to get used to the idea.
I'm dreading it, but at the same time I want it done so that we can all start the next step.

You sound very strong. The conversation may not be as bad as you think. Yes there will be tears but you are moving on to a healthier, happier life.
I'm divorcing tomorrow... Kids found our Xmas day. And do you know what? They're fine. I'm fine. Its hard, but oh the relief.
Good luck. Make sure you look after yourself. I hope you have support from friends/family x

Thanks arla. I'm hoping that it won't be as and as I am imagining it. I hope that my focus on damage limitation on dd, and that I have remained as normal as possible these last few months will see her through.

Hope you will be ok tomorrow. These things are tough aren't they.