Advice about gambling please!

[elsabel]

Hi all, to cut a long story short I am in a new relationship with someone with a gambling problem, he stopped before we got together but I'm worried he's fallen off the wagon as he admitted to 1 relapse at the weekend and promised it wouldn't happen again.
So I'd like to know....what are the signs someone has relapsed with gambling? He has seemed like a different person these last few days and I'm scared it wasnt just a small relapse but a big 1 that's getting out of control again.
I can give more info and don't want to dripfeed but I'm trying not to ramble on!
Thanks mumsnetters

How new is this relationship?.

Look at your behaviours too, what is this doing to you?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

You cannot rescue and or save him from his gambling addiction, you cannot love him better. HE has to be the one to want to seek proper help for his gambling and the roots of all that likely go back many years.

With an ongoing gambling addiction you really need to head fast in the other direction because it is all too easy to be caught up and dragged down by it. Relapses are very common in gambling addiction and he could yet go on for many years in the same patterns.

Bet you he's still at it

A gambling addiction will never go away, no matter what he might tell you, it has to be controlled.

Early on in a relationship you won't be with him every day, or have control of finances. It's such a compulsion he'll gamble when he has access to money and do you really want to monitor his activities to check everything he's doing, passwords to phones, computers etc. I think you might have already noticed mood swings too, depending on wins or losses. I suspect he might be adept at hiding it though so if he wants to put you off the scent he might claim he's stressed at work or dealing with other issues and just indulges now and then and it's all perfectly under control.

For some, distraction helps, eg gaming, meeting up with other couples, joining a gym, going for a run, having friends over. But I think regular counselling and support is best.

It really has to come from him, starting with seeing his GP.

Hi elsa,

i speak as a recovering compulsive gambler. (CG) Admitted to? or found out? There is a crucial difference. Open admittance is a good sign. Admittance after being discovered is obviously a bad sign, and will almost certainly mean he has minimised it and lied. Its really difficult to tell without a load of backstory.

Is he going to GA? I am of the firm belief that for the vast majority of CG's the only realistic hope of a long term and ongoing recovery is through the GA program.

Sadly being a CG demands that you are also a compulsive liar. The two go hand in hand. You have to override the natural human emotion that tells you to trust and believe someone you love and operate from the complete opposite. Believe nothing, check everything and ask for proof. A CG in successful recovery will understand this and be happy to comply.

Please feel free to PM me if i can help.

Thankyou everyone for you helpful replies.
To answer some of your questions I asked him the other day what was wrong as he had previously said he was stressed with money and realised he wasn't acting himself, he then said he had made a 'small' bet and brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. We have been together a month but got very close and I have known him for years, although had no knowledge of his problem until we got together. When he came clean to his family a little while ago it was because he had hit rock bottom. I truly believed before all this he was managing his gambling problem as he spoke so openly about it and assured me it was under control.

It is affecting me significantly, I suffer from anxiety as a result of emotional abuse from my child's father which I had began to recover from but the anxiety is beginning to return through all this. I hope that's given you more of a background.

And no gethefuckouttahere he isn't going to GA but was seeing someone about his problem, not sure who this person was but he would go weekly until a couple of weeks ago the person said it was no longer needed because he had done really well.

Oh dear. As you suffer from anxiety I really think you should end this relationship before you get any more involved.
IME CG's are like Alcoholics - they are never "cured", they just stop drinking/gambling and often relapse. He will have this battle NOT to gamble for the rest of his life.

If you stay with him in the future you would have to controll all the finances and bills. You would have to open all the post AND be sure that he's not taking out loans behind your back - impossible to stop him. You would always, always, be wary and necessarily untrusting.

Please be fully aware of this before you go any further. I've been there. Mine couldn't stop and killed himself - the grief and guilt overwhelmed me for over twenty years.

I was in a relationship with a gambling addict for 6 years, it is true when they say they will never change. I caught him out twice, once about 2 years into the relationship, then again about 5 years in. He was gambling hundreds of pounds in a couple of hours, he was taking out wonga loans to see him through the month.

He won't change, unless he truly wants to, and in my experience, they never want to because they are selfish pricks!!

Hi elsabel,

i would suggest that the person he saw doesn't know much about CG's.

The PP are both right and wrong imo. There is no cure for CG, and to be in a relationship with one is a very rocky road indeed. Most relationships do not survive it. Particuarly as you have anxiety issue you may want to consider if this is the man for you.

However there are many CG's who want to stop and do so. They can go on to live normal and productive lives. But this has to come from within them. As i write on these forums with depressing frequency, you have to bear in mind the 3 C's

You did not cause it.
You cannot cure it.
You cannot control it.

Please check out the GA website and forum for more info. Search for a local Gamanon meeting. Ask him if he has considered going to GA. Do not pressure him to go. We see many members who come at the behest of family. They rarely keep coming and are very rarely successful. People have to come for themselves. And its a lifelong commitment that requires effort every day.

I could ramble on all night, so i shall stop there. If i can help at all please pm me.

This man will not help your anxiety.

Don't feel sorry for him and hope he will change.

I know someone who had a successful business, lovely hose etc.
He has gambled it all away.
He has nothing. He is frequently in hiding from people he has borrowed from.

Be strong and walk away from him.

A month? Leave. I was married to a gambler. He lied and lied. They are very convincing. I wish I'd walked away after a month, though I'd never wish away my beautiful dc.

He made a 'small' bet and brushed it off. That there, tells you everything you need to know. You can not be a compulsive gambler without being a compulsive liar, not just to others but primarily to yourself.

Compulsive gamblers who are in recovery don't make bets, not even 'small' ones. This relapse should be a wake up call but instead he's dismissing it as just a small bet. Until he recognises that recovery is a lifelong commitment, his 'relapses' will be frequent.

Do not use thisrelationship as some sort of amateur exposure therapy, being lied to will feed your anxieties not ease them.

GET OUT NOW!

I was married to a gambler and the constant lies were worse that the actual gambling and money loss.

I am just thankful that I kept my own bank account and was able to pay the mortgage and bills by myself. DS was too young to realise that his Dad never contributed or bought him anything.

Stealing from me was the final straw.

Unless you have full access to ALL his sources of money, including things he might sell or pawn there are IME NO warning signs. I have just discovered my STBXH is a compulsive gambler and I had no idea. He runs a business and used money from there - unbeknownst to me. I thought the business was doing ok but that there wasn't a lot of spare money, and we lived on a very tight budget. Turns out there was spare money - he gambled and lost an average of £15000 a year, for well over a decade.
Run away fast, please, for your own sanity and financial security. He has left us with joint debts to the tune of about £120,000. I will undoubtedly lose the house and have to face a penniless retirement.
Compulsive gamblers are very accomplished liars and you will NEVER know the whole truth. Get out now before he takes you down with him. Truly, there are good, honest men out there that will have all this blokes nice qualities, and none of his demons.