Marriage in trouble......help

[dizzydesperatehousewife]

Dh and I have been together nearly seven years and married 2 1/2. Our son is 14 months and in a lot of ways we are very happy. However we have one huge problem and there is no compromise I want another baby and dh doesn't and wont budge.
This discussion has been happening since the birth of ds infact even when I was in labour dh tried to make me agree to no more.
Dh loves DS but basically is very selfish and does not find parenting easy or natural - I think it disturbs his life of football, fishing and friends etc. Where as I was born to be a mum and love every minute.
It has got to the point now that basically I want dh to agree to more children or I don't want a relationship with him. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do. So for now I have made up the guest room for him and we are barely speaking.
Has anyone been through similar. I am really starting to resent him.

I havent been through it, but, I know if my DH didnt want more children, id have to leave him. Have you sat him down and really told him how you feel and how serious you are?

It sounds like it's a huge stale mate at the moment. I think QQSB is right. You need to be able to talk this through. Would both of you be willing to visit a counsellor so that you could talk with an independant person present?

did you discuss this before you got married.....and if so , did you get the same answer you are getting now.....

as you say there is no compromise on this.....but communication is the key....why is he so adamant that you have no more kids>

yes but it is stale mate.
I want a second child because I want M to have a brother or sister so they can be there for each other throughout life.
I am scared that if anything ever happened to M then unless I had another child life would not be worth living.
I love children and I am a great mum. I totally devote myself to them.
Dh doesn't want another child because
M has been a very difficult baby not sleeping at night, rarely napping, colic, tantrums etc. and dh thinkns we are too old to go through this again. I am 35 he is 39.
Dh thinks we have been lucky having a healthy child and wouldn't want to risk a sn baby as he couldn't cope and wouldn't want to. (this does not scare me at all cause I could cope and would want to!)
Money at some point we would have to move and dh doesn't want to.

if you knew he only wanted one child.....then hard to try and turn him around

i think that you have many compelling reasons to want another...and he feels his reasons for not wanting more are equally valid

so you need an impartial 3rd party to get you talking....

Before we got married dh said he did want a family but we never discussed how many i just assumed that children meant just that and not child.

i seeeee......i think you have to talk and talk...with a counsellor if neccesary......if he is not enjoying fatherhood....need to try and help him with that too!

Unfortunately this has been all talked out. We have no trouble communicating it's just that neither of us will back down. And to be honest I think dh's reasons are crap, granted his crap but still crap!
We are both very strong willed and dh likes to be incharge - he would never back down as that would be loosing. Plus he would never see a councillor as he doesn't see why he should as it wont change anything.

I had the same thing with my dh. I fell pg by surprise and after ds he said no more. I then 'accidentally' fell pg with ds2, he was upset for a while but got over it. I lost ds2 so when i fell pg with ds3 (again, surprise!) he was a lot more relaxed (if thats the word im looking for).
For what its worth dh lost his sister when he was 25 (she was 27 and they'd lost their dad 18months previous) If it wasnt for dh my mil would also be in a box....

You need to sit him down and explain exactly how you feel and the consequence of him saying no. If he wants you to stay together he should relent!

HTH

He sounds very much like my dh....stubborn as a mule.

i have 15m ds1 and 5wk ds2.
luckily as they are both boys we dont need to move house but we would have had he been a girl.
i told dh, during transition, that if i ever asked for another child he was to remind me of that 'ring of fire' moment.
i mentioned it the other day and said maybe in a few years but he went very quiet.
you sound similar to me when you say you devote your whole self to them and dh likes his life/friends etc or words to that effect. dh and i are similar although ds2s arrival has brought him much closer to ds1.
my argument for no3 if i do want to go ahead in a few years will be something along the lines of this:
i look after the boys approx. 23/7 anyway so what is your problem? i have given up work (i wanted to- i always only ever wanted to be a sahm since i was little) and my social life etc etc.

my dh is always right or so he likes to think, but he does back down eventually.
if i told him i would leave him for another child then he would def back down... bitch aren't i?!

He is enjoying fatherhood although he has had a very chauvanistic attitude towards parenting until recently. But since I have returned to work he has got much better.
It's just that he is selfish and it all has to be on his terms. Eg. I look after M full time plus work 3 twilight shifts a week. DH cares for M when I am at work but also plays football on a Monday and Thursday, goes for a pint after work on a friday, goes fishing a day a week if he can, and goes to the pub on a Saturday early evening. He is happy to look after m so long as he doesn't have to sacrifice anything else in his life. By the way I come last as he rarely organises anything for me, and to be honest i'm so tired that I don't care!

Message withdrawn

i think you might just have to accept the fact he doesnt want any more, and be happy with the one you've got. i would be happy to go back to one child, 2 is hell!!

Understand the point about life not being worth living if any thing happened to your only child.

Think you dh is V.selfish in this.

Tell him you want another child - give him a few weeks to think on it. Let him no that after this time if he still says no then you will consider other options - donor insemination being top of the list. If he doesn't want to have a child with you then you can still have one.

Don't let it be you that breaks the marriage - let your dh be the one to have to tell his child that he didn't want another one because he was too selfish and so the reason he has a brother or sister is because you took steps to to achieve this.

I think that if someone says no children when children had previously been discussed then it has potential to tear a relationship apart. But?

No-one prepares you for what it?s like when you have your first child, and the way you feel about children before you have that first child isn?t necessarily going to be the way you feel about them when that first child comes along and turns your world upside down, especially if that first child is a particularly difficult baby.

IMO you should look at your relationship with your dh first and foremost. Apart from the tention over having another baby, are you happy? Do you love him? If the answer to those two questions is yes, then you need to seriously think about what you are considering giving up. If you leave your dh, you will be entering into the world of the single parent, you will be taking your ds away from his daddy, is that preferable to not having another child? If you leave your dh then what? Go looking for a man who can give you the child you want? And what if he can?t? what if you have problems conceiving and are unable to have another child anyway? And what if that person never comes along? You could still end up with only one child, and living as a single parent, sending your ds off to stay with his daddy every other weekend, sharing him on Christmas/birthdays. I?m sorry but there are no guarantees in life, and unless your life with your dh is unbearable for other reasons, then I would think very carefully about what I were doing before starting to issue ultimatums. IMO you should think about what you do have, rather than spending your life thinking about the things you don?t/possibly can?t have. It?s not just your dh being selfish IMO.

i've been here.

is having two children really worth your relationship?

as i understand your post, you never discussed how many you would have and therefore he isn't going back on a promise.

i think that the only thing to do here is to really examine in a deep way, what it is that makes you so desperate for another child? there is an inevitability that this will be as much about 'your stuff' as an altruistic wish to have a sibling 'for' your son.

it's really strange how the mind works. I was absolutely desperate as people here may remember. As soon as the gap between my sister and I had passed, the sense of desperate urgency went. I'm not saying that is or will be the case with you, but if you can find out what the underlying 'need' is, you may be able to diffuse this for yourself.

time changes everything. feeling trapped is not conducive to changing your mind. if you can let go of this a little (your son is only 14 months remember, things are going to change so much in the next year in terms of how much more enjoyable he will become) then maybe your dh will be able to let go too.

i'm not saying that overnight you'll both suddenly reach a point of ultimate understanding...but you'll find if you can reliquish your grip on this as the most important thing in the world, that maybe his position will become more flexible too.

the relationship predates the child. if you came together in love, did you do so only in order to have children. surely it is worth putting your relationship first.

i'm trying to tell you my experience. a year ago i was where you are (except dh most certainly was not in the guest room!!! ).

now, we are both in a better place and are both willing to be open to what happens ttc wise.

i've realised that my relationship is more important to me than anything. it is the basis on which my family is built. i've also realised that there was a lot going on for me in terms of trying to repeat the experience that i had (which is impossible). interestingly, i think that actually the experience of having a sibling arrive was rather painful for me (as for many firstborn). dh has realised that he has lots of stuff around siblings going on and that it has been very hard for him to adjust to parenthood in some ways (he is absolutely as hands on as i am...which cannot be said for most fathers).

i hope some of this helps you.

BCTmum - shocked at your post. IMHO women don't have a god-given right to have as many children as we want and the men just have to put up with it. A baby comes from two people and so both people have to want the child for it to be fair in that sense. What would you say if the tables were turned and ddh's husband was forcing her to have another child against her will?

It's such a hard situation though - ddh wish you luck in being able to find a solution that feels right.

Interesting post and I have the opposite problem Got to say that I agree with Molton here. My litte boy is two and I have been a sahm and I have loved every single minute of it. I have throughly enjoyed giving 100% 24/7, and fee totally fufilled by him and happy with life, there is no way that I think I would want another one though.

DH is broody and wants another. I understand that mums do tend to do most of the work (dh is hands on) but your dh cleary feels he doesnt want another and you should repect that. I think that unless both of you are 100 percent sure its not fair on the other partner to have another chid if they dont want to.

If my dh told me he would leave me if I didnt give him another, to me it would mean he didnt really love me and what we have.. and I would tell him to go. I would like to think I was more than a baby making machine

I think sometimes you just have to make the most of what you have got. I have been on the receiving end of utimatums (dift reasons) and they just make you lose respect for the person issuing them

glad to hear you are going to make a go of it......

Hope things work out xxx

Good on you for having that long talk. I'm sure it wasn't easy to do. I hope that it works out well for you.