What do I do? Long post I am sorry and I now seem to be waffling

[whatsoccurring50]

We have been split up for 6 yrs and have a DD together, 9, so obviously have contact. Any way he is now on GF number 4 whilst I have been mainly single - only having 1 partner in that timeframe (now ended). Anyway he proposed to the latest GF after a year and a half and apparently they are getting married next year.

During each GF he has had he has always asked to be back with me but I've declined.

Now the current GF is the sister of his sister in law and I have asked repeatedly to meet her as my DD is obviously spending time with her - a reasonable request I thought.

He agreed but warned me "no funny business eh" as he was a complete tosser when we were together over the 7 yrs with EA that I endured for practically the whole relationship.

Some examples: called me a cunt then said no that's not right as a cunt serves a purpose, poured cold water over me whilst sleeping and dragged me out of bed, wanted us to have a baby as he had never been so happy then when I got pregnant told me he had changed his mind as he wanted to back with his ex (the mother of his son) so we ended up down the clinic to discuss termination with a counsellor where he said that it was a shock that I'd got pregnant and he did want the baby, went to collect him after his works Xmas do and then he told me he wished I was dead (10 months earlier I had finished my chemo and radio treatment for cancer).

Luckily one day he said he didn't want to be with me in 2009 so I took this as my opportunity to keep him at his word and I didn't back down despite him trying to get me to reconsider.

It wasn't easy living in a house with him. At crunch time he said he would let me keep the house if I gave him £30k. So I had to put my oldest daughter on the mortgage in order to get the money for him as I was on a really low salary, she was too but between us we managed to get the money he wanted - she hated him and I feel so awful that her earlier life was ruined because of him - as soon as he saw her name on the paperwork he refused to let me keep the house so basically he was happy for his DD to be out on the street. We finally sold and he still got his £30k but I lost £40k as it was difficult to sell back then.

So back to the meeting of the GF - he pulled up outside my house to collect DD with GF in the car. He didn't get out the car and neither did she. I was going out after I'd met her so I waited for the knock at the door for the introduction and nothing. So I let DD go out to the car and I went to my car as I was off out. He asked me if I was going to go and say hello. I was livid as I really didn't think it was down to me to go up to the car and introduce myself - surely it was the other way round - she should get out the car and come and meet me.

So my DD spends time with someone I don't know. My ExP even leaves her in her care overnight and goes elsewhere and the GF then takes my DD out the next day until her Dad gets back and I know she wasn't got my number should anything happen.

Even tonight he's text because when he collected DD for overnight I was vacuuming so he's now said I'm not spending quality time with her and leaving her in her room as I would rather vacuum when I should be doing her homework with her. I work all day, I take her to school every day - he always drops her back to me on a school morning, my parents have her after school and he only has her for 2 weeks out of 13 in school holidays.

Sorry for the rambling. Don't know if there's anything I can do really. Just thank God I left him when I did because he would have really worn me down to feel totally worthless.

Thank you for reading this if you managed to get to the end of it! Xx

Wow, what a dick!
My dads gfs have never met my mum. They all think she is a horrible bitch etc. asfor ssaying you should spend quality time with your dd what does he think your doing when your not working to earn money to care for her or cleaning up then shes not living in squalor? ???
Honestly! Just ignore him and your dd will soon realise that dad is an idiot, we all did!

Thank god you got away from him, he sounds dreadful. Sad as it will be for your daughter, she will come to see him for what he is. I wouldn't be surprised if GF 4 isn't the last as well, despite the engagement.

How he can accuse you of failing to spend quality time with your daughter when he leaves her with his gf and goes out, what a joke ?!

I agree you need to keep all contact with him to a minimum, just the bare bones of arrangements regarding your daughter.

I don't know how you get around the issue of him leaving your dd with his girlfriend, or you not getting the chance to meet her. Do you have any concerns about her, or is it simply that you haven't met her ? FWIW I would feel uncomfortable leaving my child with somebody I hadn't met.

See a solicitor about having a written contact agreement drawn up. This can incorporate things such as your (reasonable!) request, that your dd is looked after by the father for the duration of contact and that he may not contact you other that through a solicitor or directly (if you prefer) but only specific to contact arrangements or in case of urgency/ emergency. You aren't powerless

Thank you for your worthy responses. Good idea about seeing a solicitor I shall do this. It would just have been more respectful if he had introduced her to me - He introduced me properly to his ExP (mother of his son) so just assumed he would give me the same thought but I do think he can't be totally happy or why would whatever I do bother him?

He wouldn't like it if my DD told him she was being looked after by someone other than me, her sister or my parents. In fact last year I went on holiday, my friend (female) went with her mom to the same hotel and he had a go at me saying that our DD was on holiday with someone he didn't know!

GF hasn't spent more than a week in his company yet and that was on holiday. She's younger than him by 15 years so maybe she will see sense but I know he has already made her cry as she dared to ask him why he was being nasty. He told her not to speak to him like that again in front of his DD.

God help her if they do move in together - I'm sure he will resort to his old trick of punching holes in doors and smashing spindles off the stairs something he did to our house and that of the house with his ex!

Thanks all - I do feel better now

Ooh, he sounds like an absolute diamond! Has he introduced your dd to his succession of gfs? If so, he really isn't providing a stable environment (and that's aside from driving his gf to tears in your dds presence ).

Honestly, if he makes a habit of coming out with ludicrous statements (in ref to your friend being in the same hotel!), then I'd go for solicitor only communication.

Tbh, with the level of violence he has displayed in the past, I'd be struggling to support contact at all, personally. I really do think a full and frank discussion with a solicitor specialising in family law, might help you to protect and support your dd. I'm glad you're going to look into it