Time for a bit of a whinge if you'll indulge me.
Bit of background, my wife left me over 2 years ago. It was completely out of the blue for me, and left me devastated. We have 2 amazing little ones, a girl who's 4 and a half and a little man who will 3 in a couple of weeks. I'm still heavily involved with the kids. I work full time but still have them 50% of the nights, as in getting them after work lots. They are my everything.
Money has been an issue since the split. Same old story of relying on credit cards to set up a nice flat for the kids, and eventually getting in too deep. Repayments were crippling me so much that in the end I started missing payments and incurring charges that resulted in a vicious cycle. I buried my head for a long time, due to depression in part, but eventually went to a charity and am now set up on a debt management plan. Things are still a struggle though. As pay day approaches I'm basically down to pennies. I make sure the kids eat well but when they're at their mum's I make do with toast or cereal.
I'm constantly exhausted. I'm either at work or I have the smalls. I have no time for myself, no hobbies and a non existent social life. Even when I do have an evening to myself (I have 6 nights every 4 weeks when I'm not working lates or have the kids) I have no money to go to the cinema, or do a course. I end up staying home and stewing.
Loneliness is a huge issue. I miss the intimacy of a partner, and I don't mean sexually, just having someone to share everything with, and experience new things with. I miss putting the kids to bed and catching up over a bottle of wine on the sofa. Everyone I know is settled down with their young families, and I am so jealous. I have dated a couple of times, but for the wrong reasons. It was to battle the loneliness, and I ended up hurting them. Something I'm not proud of.
I obviously still have a lot of contact with the ex, and each time is an effort. Her and her boyfriend, who she left me for, have been off and on again 5 times, yet are now set up in the country with a dog and chickens (something we always planned on). The tragic thing is part of me still loves her. It's a horrible mix of love and hate, and after all this time I still struggle.
I realise I need to try and break the cycle I'm in. I'm considering going part time at work, if I drop a day a week at work I could have the kids exactly 50% of the time. But obviously I don't know if I could afford the drop in wages. But it would mean I would have a little more time for me, which is a consideration.
Friends and family know bits and pieces of the above but there is no one I can open up completely to. I'm so use to putting on a brave face to the outside world that's it's second nature, but it is tiring. Sometimes I just feel the need to offload, hence this essay - sorry it's so long, and thanks if you made it all the way through - I don't expect miracle solutions (unless there are any kind millionaires out there ;) ) but just wanted to be heard. Hope that makes sense.