Is there such a thing as a decent partner?

[HairyOrk]

You may have seen my thread a few days ago where my partner of 5 years ended our relationship the day after my business suffered an accident and 4 days after my grandmother died.
Ex was/is a decent guy (who just didn't pick his time right) and throughout the 5 years I felt secure and stable, though admittedly not particularly happy (though not unhappy). But having never had stability previously, it was something I was/am desperate for.
If someone so loving (still says he will always love me) cannot bear to spend more than 5 years living with me, is anyone capable?
Is there such a thing as a happy and loyal relationship?
Maybe I've been spending too much time on the Relationships board but all I hear about is cheating partners, emotional affairs and abuse, ambivalence seems the least of all these troubles.

I have been with ex my whole adult life (since 18, I'm "only" 24) so I have no other experience to draw from. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my Mum is unhappily married, for the 3rd time.

Oh god yes, there is. You just don't hear much about them because people don't feel the need to discuss relationships that are going well. They just get on with life.

I'm so sorry that you have had such an awful time. We learn very powerful lessons from seeing our parents' relationship(s) and it sounds like you have had a terrible model of how to be happy in a relationship. Same here. It means that you have to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, what's ok for you in a relationship, what's not ok, where your boundaries are, how to ask for what you want and deal with it when you don't get what you want. Tough stuff but it can be done.

When you're ready, I cannot recommend professional help enough. I see a psychotherapist and our work together has changed me as a person. I am so much calmer, more stable, more contented, more grateful and so much less angry than I was before.

What you really should avoid is jumping into another relationship. This needs to be time for you to take care of yourself and to try to understand the effect that your parents' model of relationships has had on you. Go easy on yourself - you've had a dreadful time. Keep posting x

I'm having to hold myself back from jumping back into my last relationship just to feel secure, which is not the right course of action at all.
Thank you, Lotta, I will look at professional help - I'm on the waiting list for counselling anyway so that should happen fairly soon.
I'm glad to hear someone say that there is decent relationships out there.

Ah you poor thing, it sounds like a miserable time for you, but as you say you weren't particularly happy so maybe that is what you should hang out for , you are still so young and have plenty of time to find somebody who truely makes you feel loved , secure and happy, please don't settle for anything less, my main criteria for a husband was that they were kind , made me laugh and were completely bonkers about me , I luckily found this in a man that I have been with for years so don't be hard on your self and take your time meeting someone good enough for you

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, ork.

I am also of the opinion that the Relationships board reflects the darker, sadder side of love (or not, as the case may be...).

I can verify that there absolutely is such a thing as a decent partner. I think they are rare, but they are there.

Yes, loving, respectful men do exist.
I found one after being in an awful relationship for 5 years when I was young.
We have been together for 15 years, with lots of stressful occasions where we have supported each other.
We have both been loyal and still feel as much in love as we ever did.
We just seem to get on and want the same out of life.
We get grumpy with each other but on the whole I can't complain.

Really sorry about your situation OP :(

Because you asked (and not to rub it in) yes there are decent partners. I'm one. My partner is one. We're best friends as well as partners. Like a PP said you just don't hear about the good ones.

Of course there is but I think you have to demand it rather than just expect it to drop in your lap. It you say the last relationship was neither happy nor unhappy then you were probably treading water in quite a passive way. So be more assertive, raise the bar, demand decency and reject people that don't measure up. Won't guarantee anything but you won't waste quite so much of your time.

Reading the Relationships board does give you a bit of a pessimistic view because of course people tend to post when things are going wrong for them. Nobody comes on here and makes a post saying "Things with my DP are great, just thought you all should know!"

Having said that, I do think there are people in this world, and I'm one of them, who are destined not to be in lifelong relationships. I've had three long-term co-habiting relationships (including one marriage) and they've all failed for one reason or another.

(First one: passive-aggressive alcoholic. Second (marriage): he became verbally and emotionally abusive; counselling didn't work. Third one: My business faltered and he decided to swap me for someone who was shortly getting a massive inheritance. I KNOW RIGHT.)

My parents' relationship was awful and I watched him verbally abuse my M for years and have affair after affair. She always took him back. I think if you have good patterns to model your relationships after, you are much more likely to find a lifelong loving partner.

I have realised as I've got older that I actually prefer being single - for me, the benefits massively outweigh the drawbacks. I do think there are a lot of people out there who feel similar, but feel like there is this expectation that you "should" be in a relationship, otherwise you're sad and lonely.

Obviously when you've got kids, it's a lot easier with two of you to share the work (and the joy!)

yes. Yes there are. There really are good, loving, people out there of both genders. Men you can trust 100% with your life and your children and that they will never take advantage in any way. Loving, sharing, giving, receiving people. Fun, caring and loyal. In it for the long haul.

You do have to kiss a lot of toads to get the prince sometimes. But you have an advantage: you know what you want, which is someone to whom stability is important, as it is for you. It may take time to find the right person, but the chances are very high that you will, one day.

I would suggest you read up on Red Flags just for general precautions, but I think you will be alright in the long run

Hell yes, I'm lucky enough to have found mine.

One observation I would make is that although there are plenty of fabulous and wonderful people out there, that's not to say that this is enough to make them a partner for life.

Even the most fabulous and wonderful people wouldn't be in a lifelong partnership unless it's with the right partner for them.

Plenty of relationships split for no other reason than it wasn't quite right or fulfilling enough to commit a lifetime too.

'So be more assertive, raise the bar, demand decency and reject people that don't measure up.'

Excellent advice. Good relationships don't happen by magic - they do involve a lot of work but if its a healthy relationship, its the most rewarding work ever.

You need to work on yourself and your boundaries first OP. Counselling will be great step towards that.

Can you imagine if all of us popped up going on about our happy relationships? You could guarantee someone would pop up saying we were rubbing people's noses in it. Also people tend to post when things are going wrong and need to organise their thoughts, which is where relationships comes into its own.

If it doesn't work then it needs to go. How can you find your happy and a partner who is a joy to work with at your relationship of you're stuck in one that doesn't work and probably never will?

When I divorced I was absolutely adamant that I would not even live with anyone again and certainly never get married again. I really did think that all men as bastards!

But .....

I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 10. He is absolutely the love of my life, he works so hard to provide for us, he is caring and supportive to us all. We both had children the same age and from the moment we married, he has treated my ds as his own, as far as paying for his university time in full.

They are decent men out there, honest!

yes there really are some lovely partners out there. They come in many shapes and sizes, and often completely when you stop trying to find them, but decent men aplenty can be found. They may not make the biggest noise, they may not have the flashes things/looks, but they are there probably thinking much the same thing.
I am so sorry that so much has happened to you in such a short space of time, that must be devastating to live with, and I can see how it would be tempting to fall back into something familiar - but that ended for a reason and I doubt that that has changed.
People change alot from late teens until, well, forever. Just because it wasnt working doesnt mean you are an unloveable person.
Take some time on your own and learn to love yourself, because once you do, you wont accept anyone else who loves you less than you do.

I also like you have to know yourself and resolve any childhood hurts as we often take these into relationships. A need for security could mean you overlook red flags.

24 is so very young and I believe you are still developing your character until your late 20's and for men (who can develop later) it's age 30.

So be more assertive, raise the bar, demand decency and reject people that don't measure up.

Definitely this ^

Kiss a lot of frogs and all that.

People change a lot between 18 and 24. Very few people stay for life with the person they dated at 18.

Actually, it is odd to have been in a fairly successful 5 year relationship at 24.

Mumsnet Relationships board is used by people whose relationship is going wrong. Most people have good relationships: they don't start threads here. Maybe you should stop reading this board for a while.