how does she still manage to make me feel so small?

[mamafridi]

It's ridiculous that at my advanced age my DM can STILL turn me into a blubbering wreck.
She was never the sort of loving mum anyway so why do I expect her to be sympathetic or caring now? She's never been abusive but then she's never really shown me love either. No kisses no cuddles not even when I was young. I never felt she was on my side. If I fell out with a friend at school she would always side with my friend. Even in the present when had difficulties at work with my boss she sided with her even though it transpired that my boss was in fact in the wrong. This is just one example of how she is with me there are many other ways she Chips away at my confidence.
I have so many hang ups and mostly thanks to her but I'm so bloody annoyed at myself for allowing her to have such a negative hold over me. How can I still live with her in my life but not let her keep making me feel so worthless?
Anyone else with a similar parent or sibling is more than welcome to join in. X

She's never been abusive

She has, emotionally. There are plenty of people here who are better placed to support you with concrete info/experience etc, but just wanted to at least respond and give

You deserve so much more from your own mother.

Yes, its emotional abuse. Have you considered counselling?

Thanks a catcalledjohn and snow mummy for your responses.
I did try counselling but I found it quite frustrating as talking about it made me feel the situation was futile. things are never going to change with respect to how my mother treats me and she can't see anything wrong with it and says I'm paranoid and hyper sensitive, which I am.

I just wish I could handle her and make her see that I won't let her ruin the rest of my life. It's just a case of understanding how to react to her digs.

It can be tough when a parent isn't particularly loving or supportive. You can't change their behaviour or attitude but you certainly can change your response. Counselling can be useful but so can more practical measures. Distance is a good one, for example. I've certainly had a much better relationship with my own DM since relocating 200 miles away and keeping contact fairly brief. There's a lot you can do to improve your personal confidence and resilience in general. The happier you are in your skin, the less you run your life based on other people's good opinion, parents included.

Oh how awful, the one person you should be able to rely on lets you down. it must be hard but try to remember you are now a person in your own right, she on the other hand must be very unhappy and bitter, perhaps her own mother treated her exactly the same way she has treated you.

Just tell yourself you cannot control her venom but you can control your own life and she can't spoil that, no matter what she says. Limit the time you spend with her, that might help.

And she did abuse you, emotionally.

She's your mother - its totally natural to want and need certain things from her. Reaching adulthood isn't like flicking a switch where you suddenly 'get over' the things that used to upset you as a child.

You're absolutely right though that she won't change. That is a very hard thing to accept but can feel oddly liberating after a while. You can certainly change how you respond to her and I agree with Cog that the key word here is distance. Physical distance if you can manage it, but definitely emotional distance. Be less available, less present in her life, avoid sharing important information with her. Spend more time with people who do make you feel good and safe and important.

It does your self esteem and self respect no good at all to spend time around people who make you feel dreadful, just out of a sense of duty. You deserve better than this OP.

And yes she certainly was abusive to you.

I spent nearly 20 years in a different country to her and we still managed to have horrendous fall outs. Then for various reasons I moved back to home turf thinking that now I had a dd we'd have more reason to want to be closer. How stupid I was. My dd is barely on my dm's radar. I wish I knew why I'm so desperate to have her love when I should be satisfied with my own small family consisting of dd and DH. I've got to grow a thicker skin, I know.
Thank you for all you lovely words it really helps.

Mama, that's where counselling will help. You need to understand your own responses to her treatment of you. As you said, her behaviour will never change but you can learn to understand and change your reactions to her behaviour.

Why are you so desperate for it.... that's the question to answer. Do you lack love from other sources? Are you a romantic person at heart? Do you crave approval generally and can't stand the thought that someone doesn't like you?

Keep your conversations very superficial.

'How is work?' Works going well, did you get any snow over there?

'How are you going with your boss?' All good, things have settled. How was your trip to the sea?

'How is dh!' He is great. How was something tht you talked about recently that involved you talking about yourself?

Don't confide in her, ask her for advise and change the conersation to her. This will ensure she has no ammunition against you.

I agree with the others. She will not see how she is treating you or apologise (that is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with)

The next step is to realise that her thoughts and opinions are incorrect and have no baring on reality. Counselling will help this. But choose your counsellor widely. One that understands that you are trying to work on you, and to improve you. Not one that will try and force you work on your relationship. It takes two to do that and your dm thinks everything is great.

You need some stock replies to counter her negativity.

"Thanks mum I can always rely on you to be on my side"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence mum"

Always delivered with heavy dose of sarcasm. Never let her get away with belittling you. Her parenting skills are dire, make sure you remind her of it.

You crave her approval because she withholds it from you and remember you are a better mother than she will ever be.

I think I was a bit unlucky with my counsellor - we seemed to keep going over the same ground and it all got repetitive and i felt frustrated because I wasn't feeling we were getting to the nuts and bolts of the problem.

Perhaps when I have more time (and cash) I'll restart it.
To answer your question Cog - I think it's quite natural for a child to crave their mother's love what ever their age. I can't imagine ever not wanting the best for my dd and making her feel that she's always got someone to turn to in times of need. I never felt that and it makes me feel that there's something intrinsically wrong with me to be rejected by the woman who has known me since day dot.

There is also the added issue that I have a sister that has quite the opposite affect on my DM and has the kind of relationship I would love to have had.
Anyway it's all so messed up and I don't think these feelings of rejection are ever going to go or that I'll ever find out why I was disliked by my mother. But thanks to all of you that have tried. X

OP, did we have the same mother?! You could have been writing about mine (but she's been dead now for fifteen years). I sort of detached myself emotionally from her, although when she was old, I did make sure she wanted for nothing, even though she made life hell for the staff in the very good nursing home (she got thrown out of two because of her stirring and trying to get the devoted staff into trouble, and I had to bribe the third one to keep her). I felt totally dispassionate about her - she was full of malice and spite and no, she was totally with it, it was never a case of any form of dementia. She'd always been like it - NEVER sided with me, showed me support, love, understanding - just like your mother, OP.

I know it's hard to detach and to expect nothing. OP you sound a warm, loving person. I'm probably not so kind and tolerant (cause and effect, thanks mum), which helped me cope with mother's attitude. I do still dream about her, about being a miserable child and teenager again, although I'm now in my 70s.

We are so much a product of our parenting that it amazes me how as the years roll by they can so easily shrug off all accountability as soon as we are grown up.

How is it possible to believe that the way you bring up your child won't mark him or her indelibly with the positives and negatives of the childhood they were given?
oldgrandmama - I think you sound lovely and the fact that you continued to support your mum when many might've been tempted to leave them to rot stands testament that parents have the power to mess us up but cannot change our true nature. XX

You aren't alone I have one of those dm's. Be kind to yourself and distance set a boundary really helped me.

OP, counsellors can be like shoes - you may have to try a few before you find one that fits!

Having a mother like we do is incredibly messed up and because its your life, and your relationship with her, it can be impossible to be objective about it and to see clearly what is really going on. I have found professional help absolutely invaluable. Its been a long journey involving some very dark moments indeed, but I feel that I'm coming out of my grief and reaching a point where I can have an ok relationship with my parents, involving a lot of distance and iron clad boundaries, but still ok. It will never be enough, it will never be 'fine' and there is no 'getting over'. But you can definitely live with it. Good luck

'How is it possible to believe that the way you bring up your child won't mark him or her indelibly with the positives and negatives of the childhood they were given?'

It is incredible. You see it on here all the time - parents who can't /won't make the connection between what they do and the impact it has on their child's behaviour.

You are not paranoid or over sensitive - this is what emotional abusers always say to their victims - they diminish both your reaction to that specific incident and deny your rights to feelings at all.

sounds like your sister is the golden child and your are the scapegoat child - you need to google both terms then, for your own mental health disengage form both your mother and sister and allow yourself to grow into the person they want to deny you the right to be.

My father was a scapegoat child - it was horrible growing up seeing him abused by my grandmother - who later her refined her techniques to abuse her grand children.