Instigating/rejecting

[Creeturefeeture]

Hi all
Can I get some idea about what’s normal in regards to this (although, of course, I understand that people are different)?
How often do you reject an advance for sex? How often do you instigate it? There’s no background to this other than I think my relationship is slowly degrading with these two factors being identified as part of the reason. Thanks!

Sixandtwothree. Just wanted to make clear how I agreed with your post. My subsequent post wasn't referring to yours...

Lweji. Its all just opinions. I feel I have articulated mine.

the thing with being the lower libido partner, is often with the higher one instigating all the time, they dont get the chance to learn what their own body rhythms are, they feel under constant pressure, and that kills what little libido they already have.

Its well documented that people with a lower libido find it improves when they're left alone to instigate on their own terms.

Another thought - isn't the real problem is a changing libido once in a relationship.....perhaps after the honeymoon period, or after children....

the problem is when one partner views sex as the only way intimacy and love can be conveyed.

when that level of importance is put on the physical act of sex, then changing libido is always going to have a detrimental effect.

A marriage is about more than sex.

ImBatDog. Aside from dysfunctional folk, I'm not sure anyone views sex as the ONLY way intimacy and love can be conveyed. If there are no medical reasons, then not having sex is a pretty big red flag to a complete loving relationship? Unless both partners are completely happy, and perhaps grew up with a sense of embarrassment of their bodies/sex.

The act of sex and the act of physical intimacy/closeness are not the same things. The first is achievable with anyone, the second is only possible with the one you love - the same person who doesn't seem to need/want it from you.

Sixandtwo had it right...it's all about the underlying emotional state...

"Legitimate reasons?"

Anyone can have opinions, but having one opinion doesn't mean it's automatically valid.

"Legitimate reasons" maybe poor choice of words, I meant there was a real reason eg. One time she was worried about poor DD.
My point is I have never felt rejected.

"real reason" is not so much better either.

Nobody needs to give any reason other than they don't feel like it.
It's not necessarily a rejection of the other person and we should remember to respect those wishes than take it personally, or feel that we are entitled or take it personally if there is no "real reason".

I agree with Lweji re not needing a 'real reason' to say no - there are no reasons more valid than others. But it's about how different reasons make the other party feel. In practice, when you are in a long term relationship and on the receiving end of repeated rejections - and this isn't just for full on sex I mean rejections of intimacy, affection etc as well - it's very difficult not to take it personally. And in my case, it actually was personal! When someone says 'look I just feel shit I'm worried about this or that and I'm really not in the mood' of course you can understand it, you can identify with it and it doesn't feel like a personal rejection. But when it's a cold shoulder, or silence, or a sneering remark, or a huff, or a 'I'm going into shutdown because we've been here before and I don't want to give any of the wrong signals like touch you or hug you because I REALLY don't want sex with you and you might think that if I touch you I want sex' that fucking hurts and it cuts deep, even though it is also, like any reason, totally legitimate.

Agree with whoever said up post that in a healthy situation basically you both need to already be communicating at a good level and more intuitively aware of your partner's moods, whether they may be feeling it or not, and then one rarely ends up 'instigating' at a time that is so far off the mark for the other. I mean even if you are the one who wants it more, to just keep asking/trying in the hope you'll find a crack is not actually listening to the partner who wants it less and feels pressured all the time. It is bound to make it worse. I always think it just sort of builds and happens anyway rather than one asks and the other decides there and then... All of which again is far more about the underlying emotional connection than about the mechanics of how you get to sex anyway.

Mephistophales that is really sad so sorry you feel like that... I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions either, only sympathy... It is really an extremely difficult situation.

Luckily things have picked up since. Had a good old chat that has helped loads. Cheers.

Glad to hear that