Feeling hate towards dying mother.

[Thisvehicleisreversing]

My mum has lung cancer. No more can be done for her. She's dying.

Last May she had a bad stomach bug, she became withdrawn and a bit agoraphobic because she was scared of being sick or having an accident if she went out. It totally changed her. She cut down her hours at work, stayed in all the time and avoided our calls. Then she was told that the tumour on her lung had grown again so she'd need to have more treatment. She'd lost weight and become weak because of the bug and her continuing fear of being sick again, so she was starting treatment at a weak point. Of course the treatment didn't work so was told that this time she was dying. No time scale has ever been given.

So she withdrew even more.

Now she's become really spiteful, she avoids phone calls and will never call anyone. She looks at us as if she hates us. She won't answer the door to nurses or go to any of the meetings arranged. She tells lies about everything. If you ask her a question she snaps at you and tells you you're a nag. Yesterday I cried down the phone to her and told her I was only asking because I cared. She shouted "well you're not doing a very good job are you!"

The thing is I could look past these behaviours if she'd been a lovely mum before, but all this is bringing back tough childhood memories. Nothing massive, I was never abused or had anything awful happen, but I can't stop remembering times in my life where I questioned whether my mum loved me. All this current behaviour is just making me think that she must have really hated me and my brothers.

I should be looking after her and caring for her but I can't see past this growing hatred for her and how she's treated me since I was little. The feelings are growing terribly and instead of feeling sad that my mum's dying, I just feel anger and hate.

I know that when she's gone I'll despise myself for feeling like this and I'll miss her terribly.

Why can't I stop feeling this way?

She sounds terrified. Can you write her a card offering love and support? Ask her to see you for coffee/ walk or anything and ask what you can do to help her? If she simply won't engage then leave the offer on the table and continue to send a weekly card.

Trust me she will appreciate it even if she is unable to say so.

Really hope things improve between you. If she won't let you be there for her comfort yourself you did your best.

This is completely a differing situation but I was wondering if there could be parallels?

When my dh first got his job that takes him away, instead of being more clingy or appreciative of him, I'd distance myself and push him away as it hurt when he'd go. That way it's my choice not to have him close, rather than his for choosing a job that takes him away.

I struggling to try and express myself properly but hope I've got the gist of it across ok? I appreciate to many who have never been like this it won't make sense, but to me although it hurt me more, at least that was as a result of something I had control over.

Please don't despise yourself. You can only do what she will let you. I agree she sounds terrified, but you can't fix this and it isn't your job to do it.

I lost my Mum in the same way last year (& I had a pretty bad relationship with her after a not so good childhood) - it was awful, but we did reach a level of impasse and acceptance. Maybe you could write her a letter explaining your feelings?

I wonder if your feelings of anger are at the illness but you are confusing them with your other deep seated feelings of anger at what has gone on between you in the past?

I'm sorry she's so unwell and I'd suggest you talk to her medical team. She does sound terrified and sadly, with some late-stage cancers, they can also affect brain function leading to behavioural changes, depression and confusion. My own 'difficult' DM, with whom I've fallen out down the years, is currently disappearing to a type of dementia that is causing her to be paranoid, aggressive and often unpleasant. It's very upsetting and it makes me angry from time to time but I think that's normal and I try to rise above it rather than let it spoil the time we have left together too much.
Good luck

Yes, she's frightened. But my sympathies lie with you, especially the younger you. I totally recognise what you're going through and I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and, IMO, it's not odd, or horrible of you.

Will you miss her? I've often wondered if I will miss mine when she's gone. I wasn't abused, directly, but I was disdained and despised by an emotionally absent, jealous, spiteful 'mother' when I was little, and grew up thinking it was all my fault.

I don't think I will miss her from a loving angle. I suspect I will miss her in a 'that woman who is my mother is no longer here' type way.

I have accepted that this does not make me bad. I did fight my real feelings, but it didn't work. The moment I gave my 'negative' feelings some recognition, it became easier to deal with.

Try not to castigate yourself.

I think you do a lot of grieving before they go - and if they weren't great in your childhood you will already have mourned your mother. I know I miss the Mum I didn't, and more importantly, never will have now. It all seems such a waste really.

Cog is right though - it can affect brain function, my Mum had awful confusion and a very different personality at the end after it had spread to the brain too. She got very angry with Dad and said some pretty grim things which still smart with him now. It really is a hideous disease. I am so sorry.

She's dying, and she's feeling scared and angry about it, it sounds like. Her last days will be an emotionally messy time, for all of you. I'm very sorry.

Give her what support you can, and, instead of trying to get recognition from her of your feelings, you should seek support from someone who is able to give it to you.

It's the concentric circles of support. So, you too get to have the feelings you have, about your childhood and hating your mother now and being frustrated at her behaviour, but you dump that stuff outwards of the circle of support where she is at the centre, to people who have the emotional reserves right now to help you, these people send comfort in towards you, so that you can the continue providing any comfort in that you can towards your mother, while she is dying.

Dementia?

Sorry that you are going through this. It is devastating to everyone concerned. She will not be able to look beyond herself. When you have nothing left other than death it affects the mind and the spirit...when my df was dying a helpful soul put a pamphlet in his dresser about dying and the depression attached...that went down very badly, sadly the people on the outside like the children etc are left dealing with their parents moods and the realisation that your parent is dying.

You are angry possibly, perhaps thats whats leading your thoughts but that's part of a grieving process. I know your dm is still with you but the process has started. When my df died it was almost a relief, it sounds sooooooo awful but I remember that time being the worst of my life. Cut yourself some slack. xx

I sympathise enormously. It is so hard. My dad has terminal cancer too, with no real timescale. He and my mum have picked fights with me quite regularly when i'm staying there to see them; one time last spring he told me not to come back till he was dead. The arguments are about nothing or they start off that way at least. But really, I think they're like that with me because they can be. Everyone else, well they have to make an effort for them.

I have been back since, and i'm going again in a few days.

I have accepted that my feelings are no longer so important in all this. He's the one navigating the end of his life. I felt all I was doing is upsetting them but to be honest, I've sort of backed off from my insecurities recently and I just keep going. There's been no more scenes since so perhaps it was me that needed to change?

I take support from my dp and my aunt and I also tell myself that I want to handle this the best way I can so I never do anything I regret. There's no right way for any of us. My thoughts are with you and your Mum.