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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ea/narc ex on social media telling everyone how evil i am -old friends and new are lost :(

21 replies

pod3030 · 03/02/2015 17:05

I am in hiding from emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically abusive narc ex. I have been no contact for 8 months, following advice that it's the only way to get away from a narcissist. We are currently in court proceedings over contact of our 3yo dd, whom i believe is in danger when in his care.
On fb he has posted public pictures of dd licking his face, whilst at the supervised contact centre where there was a no photo policy. I am not on fb as i need to not see in order to heal, but my mum saw, and reported pics which were removed.
He has posted how evil i am and how i am only withholding dd as i want more money (he hides assets but i dont care about money, i just want rid of him). I'm not there to defend myself, and people who used to be my friends have posted awful things about me, how despicable i am to such a top bloke as him. I can't help but feel wounded, and scared, and so alone. i moved and left behind friends and support networks. Now he has them all supporting him and i am alone. He just lies and lies, and people seem to believe it- he's saying he gave me thousands of pounds, that i attacked him (he attacked me whislt dd in my arms) and loads of horrible stuff. How am i ever going to get through this?

Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side? I don't feel strong, I feel helpless and voiceless. :(

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 03/02/2015 17:23

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

First of all - anyone who can turn on you like that was never your friend in the first place. I know that's no comfort right now but you've lost the illusion of friendship, not actual friendship.

If your mum managed to get screenshots then they can be used as evidence he is breaking the contact centre policy. That's something you need to address.

Are there any groups local to you that you could join? Perhaps womens aid know of some? If you can meet with women who are going through or have been through similar things, perhaps there is a chance to build friendships there.

ineedabodytransplant · 03/02/2015 17:32

I may be shot down in flames for talking rubbish, but...

I've no experience of the crap you are going through but wish you all the best. I know it's easy for me to say, but if people believe that the side of things he has given are true then they are no friends of yours. You know the truth. If they believe him then let them.

Ignore them (glad you're not on FB, site makes me cringe) Once you let the feelings of helplessness go you will realise being the better person makes you strong.

Enjoy cuddling/loving your dd and ignore the idiots

Good luck

Original poster

pod3030 · 03/02/2015 17:59

Thankyou.

I know, I try to see my future self, and how this experience has made her a stronger person. The immediate pain of knowing people think ill of you is hard to ignore. I persuaded my mum to block all associated with him, as she is not healing either. Bitterness and feeling like a victim is not healthy.

I suppose i'm scared, too, that because he is so convincing, that he'll persuade whoever needs persuading that he is a nice guy, just unfortunate to have met a rather dim and simple woman and had a child, and that it's not his fault that i am so beneath him. And they'll give him unsupervised contact, and then my dd will hear all that's been said of me, these people will be in her social group, and i'll lose her too.

OP posts:

Original poster

pod3030 · 03/02/2015 18:02

Oh,, and i've done the freedom programme, and women's aid have supported me. But now I've moved, no so much. And I'm really reticent to start any friendships, indeed, i must come across as very unfriendly or standoffish, but i need to protect myself, i feel I couldn't trust anyone at the moment.

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MyRightFoot · 03/02/2015 18:10

ive been thru something similar and the best thing i did was not respond. these people are not and never were your friends. a true friend. would not take his wird as gospel without getting your side. this is an opportunity for you to grow stronger mentally and undo the bad work he did. simply say to yourself 'this is my truth'. nothing he says or does will change what he did to you. he proves his weakness by needing others approval. you dont need to do that because you know the truth. let this be your mantra. by leaving him and not responding to him you send out a powerful message that he actually is not a top bloke. i bet most of the people who saw his posts thought he was being a tool and did not acknowledge him. right minded people dont approve of using fb to air your dirty laundry.

Quitelikely · 03/02/2015 18:10

See this is the problem with keeping in contact even via your mother.

He is trying desperately to draw you back into his game. Don't fall for it. Continue ignoring. Stay away from FB and tell friends and family you don't want to know about it. Otherwise he is succeeding in upsetting you.

ashaaima · 03/02/2015 18:15

at least you have mom around.what would you do if you wouldnt have anyone at all.well i actually think that you need to stay away from everyone and everything with dd.for a while until you feel like you can deal with all.too much is going on now and the more people youll see the worst it might get.remember that noone understands you better then yourself.

Auburnsparkle · 03/02/2015 18:33

I have had some experience of this online character assassination and wild accusations. Firstly your true friends will take no heed, secondly you need to do everything to keep yourself private. Any online info about you, make it so you are invisible. Twitter, 192, FB, Instagram, etc can all be v private (even Mumsnet - I change my username all the time), and thirdly I agree - never, ever respond. But do take screenshots of anything worthwhile and run by the police or a solicitor. If you don't want to see it, get a trusted friend to keep copies of it all for you. They don't even have to tell you in detail.

Original poster

pod3030 · 03/02/2015 18:48

Thankyou all,

I know, its a way of drawing me back in. I will keep strong and not respond.

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PeppermintCrayon · 03/02/2015 19:28

I am your future self, in that I lost friends when I split up with my awful awful ex.

I have much better friends now.

You can and will survive.

elsabelle · 03/02/2015 19:35

I'm going through something similar right now too (not as difficult as your situation OP as no DCs). I totally understand, it hurts so much, and the sense of betrayal by people we believed to be friends is huge. I agree with other posters that this makes us realise they are bloody well not friends and they can do one! I have cut out about 8 people and feel better for it - id sooner have less friends but real ones.

Remember that these people dont know the narc like we do, despite everything theyve seen and heard, they havent experienced his dark side first hand, and narcs are masters at manipulation, charm and selling themselves. Mine could literally do anything and people would still want to sleep with him hang out with him. Sigh...

Keep telling yourself that you are right. You are a good strong person. He is the fucked up one and those so called friends just cant see it yet. You are better off without them. xx

bettyboop1970 · 03/02/2015 19:39

Massive bunch of for all you women with shit ex's. Stay strong in the face of adversity.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2015 20:41

I'm sorry you're being subjected to such horrible treatment. I don't believe for a second that everyone is taken in by his lies. 'Badmouthing the ex' is one of the classic red flags for abusive behaviour and supervised contact is not handed down for trivial stuff. So some people will see through him but are possibly too intimidated to say so because he is such a nasty piece of work. Their problem, not yours.

I'm glad your Mum is looking out for you and that she did the right thing. Live well and hold your head up. Truth will out.

Original poster

pod3030 · 03/02/2015 21:02

Thank you, beautiful people, it's just what I needed to hear right now . Sorry there are so many of us

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Jackw · 03/02/2015 21:24

People are often taken in by narcissists initially or if they only have a superficial knowledge like on Facebook, or casual relationships. But people who get to know them properly and form proper deep relationships usually see through them in the end. And these are the best friendships. Bide your time.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/02/2015 21:33

Your mum needs to stop reporting this stuff to you.

Or you need to cut her off as soon as she starts to tell you about it.

It's doing you no good to hear, is it?

Keep living by your own principles. People may be sympathetic to whoever moans at them, at first, but in general they are savvy and will quickly see the moany one as an obsessive timewaster, and the one who remains dignified and behaves constructively as the more mature and balanced person.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/02/2015 21:36

You have to remember how good people like this are at the nice guy facade. He managed to draw you in too, remember? its not exactly your former friends' faults - they don't know him like you do.

However the trained professionals who will look at things like contact will see him for who he is.

Stay strong.

MessyHair9 · 03/02/2015 21:40

you won't lose your daughter! My dd is nearly at the stroppy teenager stage and her father was obsessed for a long time with The Truth, and how he was going to tell her The Truth when she grew up. I have brought her up (and her sibling) to be quite certain of their absolutely right to leave a relationship if they're not happy. Whenever a marriage or a wedding comes on TV, over the years, I comment innocently "I hope they make each other happy". If there's a reference to a divorce on tv I say "well, did they make each other unhappy?''. There's nothing my x could say now that would make the children think I was wrong to leave him.

A loyal mum is worth a hundred fair weather friends.

onepieceoflollipop · 03/02/2015 21:41

Do you have anyone who does know what he is really like? I had to deal with my narc mil (different situation I know) but a couple of friends really understood me and validated my feelings and this was immensely reassuring.
it kind of helped me to ignore those who listened to her outrageous lies about me, and disbelieved me when I said my young dcs were at risk.
Wishing you and your little dd all the best op x

Original poster

pod3030 · 04/02/2015 14:33

there are a couple of people who have an idea.

I'm reading this www.amazon.co.uk/Psychopath-Free-Emotionally-Relationships-Narcissists/dp/0615788661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423060311&sr=8-1&keywords=psychopath+free at the moment and it's really helping, it is literally describing my life, and you're right, it's so helpful to have your feelings validated.

OP posts:

ninetynineonehundred · 04/02/2015 20:07

Most people think less of those who post unpleasant things about mutual friends/ exes.
A good friend of mine was unfriended by me and many others for bitching about his ex on fb because it's a nasty things thing to do (i still talk to him but won't accept him spouting nastiness)
Most people know that there are two sides at the very least and I agree with a pp that we all know that contact centres aren't just used for no reason.
Take care

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