How to tell teenagers that you are separating?

[Chocamochalatte]

What to say? When to say it? What to avoid saying?? Age 14...

Personally, I think the truth is a start. In my experience kids of that age don't like to be lied to. I never told my DS his grandad left his grandma for another man & now he's found out & isn't happy. However, I digress, I think if the split is acrimonious it's very hard to just give the facts without being biased. I imagine the last thing you want is to drag your child into siding with one of you?

I'd sit them down & say it together if poss, as soon as you know its definite & there's no going back. I'd also just make sure him or her know they can talk to either of you & it's ok to be angry & upset.

Although kids are resilient & some just take it in there stride & are fine.

It's all amicable, we know it's the right thing to do but I can't help feeling sad. Worried I'm going to breakdown in front of them. We will do it together though. Do you think giving them more or less notice about when their df is going to move out is best?

Okay, this might not be popular, but if it's amicable can't you stay together for another few of years when you won't have a teenager in the house? I think young children (pre-school age) can cope and adjust and I think young adults can but I think teens just find it so hard to deal with.

No that's not popular, my parents did that and it's s head fuck!

At 14 they're old enough to know that you don't make each ither happy anymore and you'd both like the chance to find someone that will, doesn't mean there's blame to be had, just that you are not longer suited and both deserve different.

My teenage kids were relieved when their dad left. He'd made our house an unhappy place for a long time. They've been amazing-and he's been ....a gobshite!

I was 14 and my brother 16 when my mum left my dad and took us with her. We were both relieved and much happier without my dad around. But he was a raging alcoholic, im not sure how id have felt if he had been a 'normal' dad.

I was assuming (possibly wrongly!) that amicable meant rubbing along, nothing major wrong etc. Obviously there are many situations when children of any age will be relieved that their parents are no longer together.

I have a 14yo and what I've found with various serious problems that have been going on recently is that, given the chance and given the truth, he will rise to the challenge and be pretty mature about whatever it is. However, being a child, he's also very keen to know 'how will it affect me directly?'

My suggestion on that flimsy basis is a) be as honest as you feel is appropriate and b) emphasise what will stay the same as well as what will change.

My parents split when I was 16 and my sister 14. They sat us down one evening and told us together. We cried a bit but we weren't suprised. I remember saying to them at the time 'you haven't really like each other since I was five have you?'. They were shocked and I was spot on.

Tell them together and be clear about plans and living arrangements.

I also think that there is no shame in breaking down. You obviously loved your other half once & them knowing it's not an easy decision for you won't scar them for life.

I have no experience of this myself other than my mum & stepdad splitting when I was 11 & that was awful as stepdad was hysterically crying saying it was my mums fault.

I would think too much notice might be a bad thing, like everyone dwelling on it & focussing on the day he moves out. I don't know, you know your kids better than anyone.

I was assuming (possibly wrongly!) that amicable meant rubbing along, nothing major wrong etc

That was the case for my parents. There was nothing wrong other than they didn't love each other as married parents should. They certainly liked each other as people but being trapped in a marriage even affected that.

Now they've been split for 23 years (were married 23 years) and my dad remarried, my mum didn't and is happily single. My mum, dad and step mum are each other's closest friends. We all spend a family Christmas together along with my step siblings and it's great

In the meantime my early relationships were 'ok' relationships with people I liked but not based on love or worth committing to a relationship for. My parents marriage had modelled me that a luke warm friendship was enough to build a relationship on because it wasn't that bad and many marriages were desperately unhappy. It took a while to realise as an adult that this simply isn't good enough!

When I say amicable, I mean we know it's the right thing to do, and neither of us is going to make 'this' difficult, we've been struggling for years, (married 15) always arguing but trying to get on 'for the sake of the children' but the last 6 months have been worse, he's been sleeping on the sofa every night, we barely talk, disagree a lot of the time. We've realised neither of us are going to change to how the other expects us to be, if that makes sense...

It makes perfect sense Chocamochalatte and good luck for the future.

Explain it how it is but don't make them the pig in the middle. Mine made me a go-between at the same age and it was horrible. Tell your mother this, tell your father that and coming up to my room to talk about how upset/miserable/angry they were.

Definitely don't do what my mum did which is decide to run off to Whitby with the bloke she was having an affair with, leaving my dad to explain what was going on. And this was a week before my first GCSE exam.

Also agree that you shouldn't stay together for the kids. Even if it's fairly amicable they'll know you're not happy.

Just tell them the truth. Make sure you're there to answer questions but give them space to come to terms with it. At that age I imagine they will have quite a lot of experience with divorce of friends parents etc.

Thank you all, really appreciate the advise, feel so nervous about it ??