Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Toxic family: bade farewell to my mother today.

17 replies

fragileFuckwit · 03/02/2015 15:16

I just can't take any more of her bullying narcissistic ways.

We're moving house in three weeks to another country and she doesn't have the address.

Just in pieces really.....but I need to go NoContact for my own good. Think I might be having a) breakdown but I'm not even sure about that.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/02/2015 15:47

I'm sorry you are having to do this but you know it's the right thing to do.
For your own sanity.
Once you are away you will find it easier (I hope)
I can sympathise with you but can't empathise as this must be horrible and I have no experience of what you must be going through.
Stay strong and stay resolute.
I hope the move goes well.

saltnpepa · 03/02/2015 16:15

Maybe don't do anything drastic now because she will be much easier to manage from another country, hold off giving her your address until you get there and see how you feel.

Somethingtodo · 03/02/2015 16:53

Will you have to go though the charade of a tearful farewell?

bellasuewow · 03/02/2015 16:57

It is not easy but it gets easier with time no matter how badly they treated you old habits and loyalties die hard. But your life will be easier and less stressful. It can be a good thing to relapse and renew contact because they will show you why you went no contact in the first place again and it can reaffirm your decision so don't beat yourself up if you relapse it is a journey but good for you for reclaiming your life it is too short to be around people who are not healthy and don't have your best interests at heart.

Original poster

fragileFuckwit · 03/02/2015 18:50

No, I've been more than rational because I don't want my kids watching arguing etc, but she announced that she was passing my door, I was gracious and said, "why yes, let's lunch" because I knew it would be the last time she might see my kids. However as usual. She managed to land a few punches and by the time she left I was a wreck. My husband and I have been discussing for months whether we should just cast her off....I'm scared of regretting that in the future though

I am moving in three weeks: I. Starting my you best at nursery so that I can get the time and space to get my head together, regular counseling etc. I've had a breakdown before due to family issues, and I'm not going here again.

OP posts:

Somethingtodo · 03/02/2015 19:09

Every time you put your hand in the fire and get burnt is a waste of emotional and physical energy which leaves you floored and pre-occupied with the toxic person -- and that is less emotional and physical energy that you have for your children. Dont let her wound you and take away from what you have left to guve your children.

When I went NC with my sister - it felt exhausting for sometime (due to FOG) - but I had in my head what she had done time and time again - and that all I would get is more of the same if I stayed in contact.

She eventually faded from my thoughts and it is such a relief and I can deal with her when I need to at family events. Simple polite hello - I get in there first (take control) and then move away ---- bliss...........

Original poster

fragileFuckwit · 03/02/2015 19:29

Don't she come running after you, nipping at your heels?

I can't imagine the freedom....well done

I've beena shit mother all day, and every time I'm upset I'm distracted and snappy. Currently working out how to drag myself out of this. Counsellor, reading, sleep good food and as much horse riding as I can get time for....

OP posts:

Original poster

fragileFuckwit · 03/02/2015 19:29

What's FOG?

OP posts:

DustBunnyFarmer · 03/02/2015 19:32

Fear obligation guilt

chicaguapa · 03/02/2015 19:38

I think going NC is like facing up to the fact that you have an addiction. Once you know that's what you have to do, it gives you the strength to stick with it. If you aren't sure about the permanency of it, perhaps tell yourself you'll go NC for a month and see how that makes you feel. You might be surprised at how relieved you feel and that month will become 2 months and so forth.

FOG is fear, obligation and guilt. It's what most people go through when they are ending a toxic relationship. It's a normal set of emotions but it disappears once the relief and sense of freedom take over.

If you're lucky she won't hoover, which is to keep trying to draw you back in. I'm lucky in that my NPD dad hasn't tried this and that's what keeps me sane.

It helps that your DH is supporting you too. Good luck!

Original poster

fragileFuckwit · 03/02/2015 19:55

I feel like I've reached tipping point, that I'll just fall into a massive depression unless i head it off. I know what to do, just scared of making myself feel worse.

OP posts:

chicaguapa · 03/02/2015 20:20

Do you mean heading off the depression or heading off your mum? It sounds like you've made plans to get some regular counselling before you leave. Do you think that will be enough?

Aussiebean · 03/02/2015 21:10

Maybe start writing down some 'stories' of incidences that your mother has stared in. Write deon the event, how she made you feel and the aftermath.

When you feel yourself struggling, grab one of them and read it. Then think, 'do I want this back in my life?'

That may help.

It is important to write it down now while fresh. Time and distance will water down the event.

DustBunnyFarmer · 03/02/2015 21:10

Hmmm. Seems like this is what we can expect at Abisko until they sort out the snow on the camera. There's aurora, Jim, but not as we know it.

Toxic family: bade farewell to my mother today.

DustBunnyFarmer · 03/02/2015 21:10

Oh sorry, wrong thread. My apologies.

RandomMess · 03/02/2015 21:14

I had about a 10 year break from my family. My Mum now has a cancer and we have met up for her to meet the dc. It was difficult and confusing however it is different - I have moved on so much in those 10 years that it doesn't have the same effect on me anymore.

Don't worry about having regrets, just get the space you need to put yourself and your nuclear family first.

Somethingtodo · 03/02/2015 21:47

Random - that is a really good point - that when you go NC and then are back in their presence after a length of time you are different and can cope and see it in a better perspective.

When I see my sister now I can endure a bit more than a quick hello -- but my boundaries are crystal clear - no info going her way, will not get drawn in to any of her issues/conversations.

And yes she did more than nip at my heels - once she recognised I was not responding - she approached all of MY close friends one on one to bitch about me - she also did the same to 2 of my 4 young children (4 yo and 12 yo) - I had not put in NC with cousins and mistakenly thought I should not interfere with aunt/niece relationship - how wrong I was....

She also just pitched up one day at my house with her boyfriend "dropping in for a coffee" - I just said I was on my way out and did not let them in.

Keep strong you will be fine....

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread