Assertiveness and counselling approaches - experiences?

[solitarywalker]

Regular but NCed for this.

Situation is quite simple: I am having a really tough time lately. DH is tremendously supportive. PIL are genuinely lovely people and try to be supportive in their own way. However, their way is not always the most helpful way!

For example, FIL keeps talking about arranging a visit to our house in the near future. They live a long way away, so visit would be for 3-5 days. They are quite noisy and expect to be entertained with constant day trips out to places and a lot of drinking. I simply can't cope with it right now, because I am barely functional physically or emotionally, and I need to deal with much more important and serious matters (surgery, my cat dying, my own family under stress).

There are 2 issues here.

The first is that DH tries really hard to manage the relationship, but he's not very good at it. Relationship with FIL has been very much one of submission to an angry father growing up, and he struggles to be honest emotionally with them about how we're really doing. He goes all stiff-upper-lip on the phone ('Oh yes, things are fine' when they aren't). As a result, they don't really get a chance to be supportive in ways that would be more useful.

The second issue is that FIL is used to getting his own way, and quite insensitive to the needs of anyone else in the world!!

There's nothing we can do about the second issue, but I wonder whether we should work on the first? DH has had counselling, but while it has helped him and us tremendously, it has done nothing to make him better at communicating with them. He just freezes around them. We have discussed it, and he admits it is a problem. I was wondering whether anyone has tried assertiveness training and whether it would be helpful in our circumstances??

It may help him but it can't be imposed. If he thinks there is a problem and wants to do something about it, he has to take the initiative or there's little point.

In the meantime, why not lead by example? It's your house, your family, your time etc. You are fully entitled to take charge. If the proposed visit is too long or involves too much organisation then you can get on the phone and tell the ILs that it's not convenient.

Cogito - he very much does want to deal with it, but we just aren't certain what approach to take or how to deal with it. We have talked about couple counselling, but I am wondering whether some kind of assertiveness training would actually be more helpful.

We do agree everything and there is no chance of an IL visit without us both being OK with that - he is able to be firm with them to the extent of saying 'We've got a lot on now, we'll have to see how things go'. He also knows I will back him up if need be, on the phone or via email.

The issue is more the way that he freezes with them and doesn't really show his true colours emotionally. I feel like he doesn't really give them an opportunity to understand what he's going through, and therefore they can't be expected to react appropriately. If they think we're fine, of course they're going to ask about visiting! I don't know why he can't just tell them the truth.

(I also think the situation is bad for them. He does tell them what's going on but in a really matter-of-fact way that doesn't really register the impact of it. So it is like saying 'Oh yes, we're fine' and then 'No, you can't come and visit' and I think that must be much more hurtful and confusing than if they heard 'Things are really tough, and we need some time to sort out other issues right now, but it would be lovely to see you once things have calmed down').

His freezing is not because he lacks assertiveness tools, but because he is reverting to child mode.

So it's more a case for therapy and self-examination, than for an assertiveness course.

Combining the two might be good: counselling so he can integrate the notion that he's entitled to say no to his family, and an assertiveness course to learn handy phrases and tips for communicating his needs and his limits.

But without him working on his beliefs about what he's allowed to tell his parents, an assertiveness course by itself probably won't do much good.

Hi Goats - I think you're right. But he's had counselling, and is OK (theoretically) with the idea that he can say no to them. Indeed, he does do so, but from a position of being 'closed off' from them rather than open.

I realise this may sound like a minor issue, but I just feel like his relationship with PIL would be a lot better if he could bring himself to be more honest with them. And by 'honest' I don't mean 'aggressive' - I mean, having the ability to say 'Things are tough right now'.