Horrible situation with parents

[PetrovaFossil1]

Hi all, I'm not sure exactly what I'm after here except your thoughts on this difficult situation.

I live abroad and my parents are in their sixties and my DM has a progressive disease which means she is wheelchair bound and in need of full time care and has been for the last 8 years or so. My DF carried out all of her care but this has stepped down and she now has substantial NHS care with carers visiting 4 times a day as it became too much for him alone, and she was uncomfortable with him carrying out the more personal aspects of this care. DF still does all the cooking and housework however. They haven't shared a bedroom for this time and have not been on holidays for many years as it is too challenging.
DM is pretty much housebound and dependent on DF. It is hard for them to go out as physically and emotionally she finds it very draining and DF struggles to get her into the car from her wheelchair.
It's a horrible situation for both of them, but DM is very verbally abusive to my DF. DM shouts at DF, insults him (an example from when I was there recently was when DF was cooking spices and DM shouted from the next room 'you need to wash. You stink. I can smell you from here and it is disgusting', when in fact it was the cooking smells). Whenever DF has done something DM doesn't like she will email DB and I with the details of his supposed transgression, copying DF in. We do not reply or engage with DM on these emails as we do not want to get in the middle although I have had to ask her not to send these to my work address. DF doesn't really respond when she shouts at him, but it is very obvious he is extremely unhappy.

DF does some short travel for work conferences, and has been known to tack on a few days to his trips to sightsee or have some time off to himself. He doesn't tell DM because her view is that she doesn't get to do what she wants anymore so why should he? However there have been a couple of times when DM has found out because she has tried to get in touch with him through his secretary and discovered that the 'official' part of the trip is over and DF is on his 'own time'.
This happened again yesterday however it was made much worse as DM's mother (who lives overseas) is very likely to pass away today - this was why DM wanted to get hold of DF urgently.
DM is absolutely furious and also upset about her mother. Obviously my DF should have told her he was spending some extra time away but he couldn't have predicted DGM's illness and I don't blame him for wanting to have some time to himself. I'm now however stuck in the middle and don't know what to say to my mother because I find it very hard to take her side when she is so rude to everyone, although I do understand her life is pretty miserable.

I think your father sounds like a saint. Although she is obviously ill ( and probably depressed), this does not give her the right to make your father's life a misery - her behaviour is unacceptable.

I think you need to give your father more emotional support - by not engaging and not wanting to get involved, IMO you are giving tacit support to your mother's abusive behaviour. A few kind words and an acknowledgement of the difficulties he faces would probably make a huge difference to your DF. I think extending his work trips is perfectly reasonable in the circumstances and I think you should make this clear to your mother and your father. I imagine he is exhausted and completely despondant about the way he is treated.

I think you need to speak up and get involved.

Obviously my DF should have told her he was spending some extra time away but he couldn't have predicted DGM's illness and I don't blame him for wanting to have some time to himself. I'm now however stuck in the middle and don't know what to say to my mother because I find it very hard to take her side when she is so rude to everyone, although I do understand her life is pretty miserable.

If it was my mother I would be saying just that, timing isn't brilliant though as she will be upset about her own mother but I wouldn't be standing back and watching her treating him badly whilst moaning to me about him without telling her how it looks from my perspective.

It's understandable she's upset as her life will have changed drastically because of her illness but that doesn't give her carte blanch to take out her unhappiness on her husband-your dad, who has taken on the caring role of her, nor does she get to dictate he can't do things that she is unable to-she doesn't get to make him as miserable as she feels herself.

Ok the current issue of him being AWOL whilst mil is so sick is going to upset your dm and almost anyone. Can you contact him? In this case he should go home.

In the longer term well that's very hard for you to watch but what does he want? Have you talked to him about it? It would be difficult but he could leave and divorce. Has she had a mental health assessment? If this is relatively new behaviour it should be investigated. It should also be logged on her health record as it may carry extra weight if she needs nhs funding for residential care.

I had an uncle who was very dependant on his wife and made her life a misery. Eventually she took her own life and packed a bag for him to go into care the same day. An emergency care package was set up and he is still at home four years later. He's still extremely disabled but it works, so theoretically it might be possible for your dm to live at home or somewhere without him if that's what he wants. I mean this positively btw. If only my aunt had asked for help.

Talk to your df and try to establish what he wants. If he works ft maybe that's enough respite for him. However, offering your support and making sure he knows that he can talk to you would be a good start in letting him see he has options.

Also, has anyone ever called her on her unpleasantness and told her straight how unacceptable she has become? Maybe she actually thinks it's ok because she is suffering?

And I also agree with the pp by saying nothing you are unwittingly prehaps, giving your support to your mothers behaviour, ive been in your fathers position (being bullied by family member) and I felt as let down and hurt by other people's lack of support as I did the others behaviour.