Well I’ve been lurking in this forum for a while, not sure whether or not I have a problem worth writing about and I guess today I finally built up the courage to post. Please bear with me – I’m writing this with tears streaming down my face.
I have been together with DP for over 7 years and for the most part I feel we have been happy together. It has not been an easy relationship at times and was put under some early strain due to an unexpected episode of ill health on my part. Thankfully fully recovered I have been back at work full-time for some years now.
We both have very demanding careers and whilst in general we understand each other’s pressures from work – it can sometimes take its toll on us. This has spiraled out of control recently, my DPs job is to finish and a new one is likely to mean a move of considerable distance from where we are now, assuming he finds and is successful at selection. This has understandably put a great deal of stress and pressure on him and whilst I totally understand this I love him so dearly I want us to talk about it and come up with a plan. – not something he seems willing to do much of. This will have a great impact on myself too and whilst I have said I will move, however difficult for my career, I would like to at least be involved in a discussion or at least aware of what he is thinking.
This brings me to the problem. He won’t talk to me, instead he tells me I don’t understand and I don’t get it. Our lack of communication and intimacy – is apparently all my fault – cos I make no effort – making effort only for it to be rejected on several occasions – doesn’t exactly make me feel very wanted. Nor does the suggestion of intimacy when I know he is only looking for stress relief.
In trying to explain this to him I’m then told that I am making out that it is all his fault and is always his fault and the argument escalates from there. He will then find something belittling or unkind to say – presumably to make himself feel better – then leave the room retreating back to his man cave, leaving me in floods of tears wondering how he can be this way if he cared at all about me.
This issue aside – I love him dearly – most of the time he is the nicest person, he just doesn’t seem to see anything from my side even when it is pointed out and even though I do my best to see things from his side. I can’t begin to envisage what life would be like without him. When things are good – they are really good. I am 33, would very much like to settle down, get married and have a family – but after 7 years he is still not ready for that either. I am completely torn – most of the time I have been happy but lately less so – is this all the stressful job situation? Am I being unreasonable? Will this calm down or am I just being kept hold of cos he doesn’t know what he wants and that’s the easiest option until he does? I do stand up for myself – but when I point anything out, all I hear is ‘so its my fault then, as usual’.
Nobody else seems to be around to see any of this and so there is no real objective view-point. I am aware the truth usually lies somewhere between two sides of the story. I have tries to be honest in this post and reflect on my part in it all, but any advice would be so greatly received – I’m breaking my heart right now and just desperately want to feel wanted and loved and less alone than I feel right now. Thank you for reading.