Still infatuated with man I haven't seen for nearly 20 years

[snookywookie]

I am 40 and still hung up on a guy I only every “hooked up” with a handful of times when I was 21. I have a lovely Husband now who I love and who is a much better match for me then this other man would ever have been but I was just to obsessed with him for so long that it has kind of worn a groove in my brain so that when I get stressed or can’t sleep I escape into my fantasy world with him. It’s totally stupid because I know that we were not compatible, we didn’t even like each other that much if we had got together we would not have been happy and we wouldn’t have lasted. I used to daydream about cleaning his toilet I wanted him so much. I don’t really understand why, he blew hot and cold with me and ultimately rejected me making me feel unattractive and unlovable. I think I always felt that if only he wanted me then it would prove I was worthy of love and respect. Even now as I try to lose weight my motivation is imagining bumping in to him and that he will regret that he rejected me or realise he is in love with me blah, blah, blah.

I get so angry at myself for doing this, why should I care about this guy, even if we did meet I’d probably not even recognise him , I doubt I would fancy him but he still occupies a slice of my mind. Perhaps this is common enough but I just feel that at 40 I should be past all that and able to focus on what matters to me and to give my energy to the man who has been there for me instead of pining over a ghost. I even know where he lives, not that I would ever go there but I feel the need to know where I could find him.
Is this something lots of women feel? On another forum a man, from the “manosphere” told me this man had been my one taste of an alpha male and that I’d be pinning for him till the day I die while letting my beta husband, provide for me and believe he was the number one man in my life.
What if he was right, how can I forget this man and focus on my Husband?

Honestly, I would (and did) see a counsellor. Worked for me and think about that person completely differently now. The counseling didn't even talk about him for long. I guess it just became obvious that in 6 hours of talking there was so much else to talk about and just naturally put him in his place.

I have had therapy in the past and failed to mention my habitual infatuation, it just seemed too silly and embaressing.

perhaps bump into him and let the reality shatter your illusions!

First off, ignore the internet guy spouting off about Alpha Males: he is talking shit.

Secondly, you need to separate feeling a bit affronted or unaffirmed by a guy you didn't even really like (who quite legitimately shared your assessment of your connection, and decided not to pursue it further), from actually losing the love of your life.

This wasn't that situation.

For whatever reason, your ego has held onto his rejection of you, and wants to put it right.

If you can recognise this, and let it go, you can perhaps start to address your low self-esteem and remedy that. Do you need to lose weight to feel more confident? So do it, and do it for you. Maybe it's not really to do with weight, but fulfilling your potential in other ways. But it really isn't about a lost love; it's about feeling you weren't and aren't living up to the fascinating person you feel you should actually be.

TLDR: He's just not that into you. It's actually very liberating to accept that.

I'd recommend this book by Liz Hodgkinson on Obsessive Love

www.amazon.co.uk/Obsessive-Love-Free-Emotions-Again-ebook/dp/B00C5KVWP0

It's part self help book but part her own account of feeling exactly how you describe. She ended up meeting up with the man (by deliberate arrangement) many years later as part of her therapy. It's a really interesting read if you've ever been really obsessed with someone.

I think that the "hot and cold" aspect of his behaviour is a typical feature of obsessive love. It gets you hooked on trying to get the next "hot" session. Google intermittent reinforcement for more info on the psychological effects of it.

Wow-I could have written a lot of your post-ages and time periods the same! Although what we had wasn't quite as one sided, but I was completely in love and he wasn't. We had an on and off thing for 2 years, then I didn't see him for almost 10 yrs until a friend's wedding-by which time I was married with 3 kids and he was engaged (now married with 2 kids). Facebook is my issue-it is possible to see what is going on in his life as we have various mutual friends. I have been thinking about this for a while as I discovered my old diaries which brought everything back with so much more clarity-remembering stuff I had forgotten. This also coincides with me meeting a good friend from that era this coming weekend (the one whose wedding we re-met at!) so without a doubt we will be remeniscing!
For me I think he was my absolute true love but unfortunately it was unrequited-certainly to the same degree! I do think we will meet up again as our friend and her husband will now be living very close to me (which is fab!) and I am sure he will visit them. But fortunately he lives across the Atlantic so no chance of bumping into him!

So yes-there are others doing the same! I'm not sure it is a problem for me-I spend hours alone each day so harmless fantasising can keep my mind occupied! But I truly think the "groove" in my brain was worn by absolute true love and there isn't much I can do about it. I think it would be an issue if there was ever a chance of this man being part of my life but thanks to geography I am safe. I think lots of relationships and marriage aren't to "the one" and without a doubt many are imbalanced with one person feeling more than the other. C'est La Vie. Not sure therapy is needed.

Ignore that Alpha Male bullshit, that's nutty Internet MRA/PUA stuff. I agree that it's a good idea to talk it out with a trusted therapist, they're not going to judge you for it. It's just part of the human condition, and a good one would help you through it.

" But I truly think the "groove" in my brain was worn by absolute true love and there isn't much I can do about it. I think it would be an issue if there was ever a chance of this man being part of my life but thanks to geography I am safe. I think lots of relationships and marriage aren't to "the one" and without a doubt many are imbalanced with one person feeling more than the other."

See, I think think this stuff is pernicious nonsense.

"The One", out of 63 billion people? Isn't it strange that most people stumble upon The One where they work or live, in that case? The reality is that there is A One that suits us, and it's harmless romance to elevate it in retrospect as part of the love story, but it's really self-defeating to attribute this to somebody we really really fancied but didn't properly get it on with years ago.

If you were meant to be together, you would be. You weren't.

Heh, I always wondered what happened to my first big crush. I found him on the net recently and he is now a member of a very happy clappy evangelical church, and very different to the wannabe rock god bad boy I dated. It put me right off him! you didn't love this guy, you certainly don't now, and the alpha male stuff is horseshit. I second talking to a counsellor about this.

I will fourth or fifth the manbollocks about alpha males - what a steaming pile of shite that is!!

I think you've just got into the habit of thinking of him as an escape route when things aren't going so well in your everyday life, and like many habits, it's hard to break.
Find another one instead. Take up a new hobby, or read different books, or something - ANYTHING - to break your "habit". You're addicted to the idea of him!

And if you can't do it yourself then maybe counselling would help.

I think many if not all people have 'the one that got away'. At times we may think about 'what if' or the fantasy 'if he/she could see me now'. And in times of tension or stress at home we may feel 'if only I was with XXX, things would be better'. This type of thing is pretty harmless and normal. And it doesn't really interfere with our real life relationships because we know deep down that it isn't really real, it's just a fantasy to blow off some steam.

But if you've crossed over that line into truly wanting to make it real, or it affects your relationship with your spouse/partner or your happiness with your current life, then you need to seek counseling.

And that guy on the internet is a real prat. 'Alpha Male'. My eyes are rolling so hard I can see the back of my skull!

Oh God, I could have written that, and you have no idea how relieved I am that there's someone else who feels the same and has had the same experience as me. I am truly mortified about it so have NC.

I met mine in my late teens. We had an on-off thing going on for years that was really just about sex. He was pretty upfront with me about that from the start, and at the beginning, I fancied him but didn't want a relationship with him, so was OK with that. Then one day I realised that every single other girl he'd been involved with was a serious relationship, and he loved them. I started to question "why not me?" (although only in my head - I didn't want that conversation with him). All I could come up with was that I wasn't cool enough, clever enough, interesting enough etc etc etc for him. I knew I was attractive enough, but that wasn't good enough. I was about 19 at this point, and ever since then, I feel like everything I buy/do etc is done with "but is this cool enough/good enough/interesting enough/intelligent enough for him" at the back of my mind. It is RIDICULOUS because although I thought I was in love with him in my late teens and early 20s, I really really wasn't, I was just fixating on trying to be 'enough' for him. The groove in your brain thing that you mention really resonates.

I haven't seen him for 10 years now. I don't even LIKE him, let alone feel in love with him or even fancy him. However, I know that he is now married, and some stalking of his wife on Facebook reveals her to be everything that I always wanted to be but could never pull off. I know through friends that they have recently have a son. I always wanted to have a boy, but I had 2 girls with my (lovely) husband instead. My girls and husband are my life and I have never wanted to swap either of my girls for the boy that I originally hoped I'd have, but seeing that this man and his perfect wife have had a boy really hurts. They've even called him by the name that I wanted to call a hypothetical son (and it's a really really rare name, so such a gutting coincidence). Now rather than fixating on wanting this man (because I don't), I am fixated on his wife, because it feels like she's got everything I ever wanted - including the man (that I no longer even chuffing want! WTF?!) It's so destructive and pointless and I know it's silly but I can't un-programme my brain. Believe me, I've tried so many times.

Before anyone jumps on me, although I facebook stalk them, I would never ever even contemplate contacting them or stalking them in person or doing anything destructive towards them. I just wouldn't.

So, really sorry for hijacking, OP. I hope it helps to know that I feel the same, and my God it's been good to finally get that out there as I have never told anybody how I feel - not even my closest friends know.

Then one day I realised that every single other girl he'd been involved with was a serious relationship, and he loved them. I started to question "why not me?" (although only in my head - I didn't want that conversation with him). All I could come up with was that I wasn't cool enough, clever enough, interesting enough etc etc etc for him. I knew I was attractive enough, but that wasn't good enough. I was about 19 at this point, and ever since then, I feel like everything I buy/do etc is done with "but is this cool enough/good enough/interesting enough/intelligent enough for him" at the back of my mind

This is exactly how I feel/felt in terms of "trying" to win his love and affection. It's past tense because I'm no contact but present tense because its still how I feel.

The kind of "using you for sex" behaviour is a version of the hot/cold intermittent reinforcement I was talking about - because the sex seems great/amazing and there is a part of you that thinks "he'll come round to loving me eventually". Of course, he won't because men are far better at compartmentalising sex and emotion.

In the mean time it does one hell of a number on your self-esteem. Precisely because long term exposure to that maybe/maybe not and hot/cold behaviour eventually drills down into your soul - to the inevitable conclusion that the issue is YOU and YOU are not good enough.

In fact, it's him really - that he's not interested in you but not kind or decent enough to leave you alone but will use you for sex when he feels like it. And they ALWAYS know that you like them more than they like you.

The right response in that situation - once it is clear that there is no prospect of a relationship from their point of view - is to walk away early on. If you don't/didn't do that, then for people prone to limerance/infatuation, you end up in this self-esteem flattened hell of trying to improve yourself so he will love you.

It is utter utter hell and makes you me truly SelfLoathing (hence my user name).

The man you fantasise about probably bares little resemblance to the real person. Over the years you've probably idealised him. I would say track him down and meet up. He'll look old and you'll remember all the reasons you didn't have a relationship with him at the time.

howvembarrassing I would recommend that book I posted above - if only for the author's own experiences. It does make you realise that you are not alone.

I think I will get that book on my Kindle - it looks to be worth a read.

Side note: The only time I genuinely thought I was free from my obsession with this man was for a period during my mid 20s when I met a man and fell deeply in love with him. We were together for 2 years. He turned out to be a narcissist and an absolute bastard - he'd done the classic thing of being so charming and 'perfect' to start with to reel me in, then treating me terribly further down the line. It is interesting to note that the only time I thought I was free of my obsession with the first bloke was when I was with an emotionally abusive narcissit. FML!

I don't think you are infatuated with him actually. I think you've created a fantasy haven for yourself that you retreat to when stressed or not sleeping. The escape into a realm of perfect love is consoling and soothing.

You happen have chosen this guy but it could have been anyone. You admit yourself you didn't even like him very much. It's absolutely key that he blew hot and cold. The fantasy of a fulfilled love with him in particular now resolves all your feelings of rejection, being unattractive, unlovable, unworthy etc.

So this habit of mind is nothing to do with him, and everything to do negative feelings about yourself. The fantasy gives you a break from the negative loop in your head, and it's a strategy to cope with the stresses and strains of everyday life. If you get to the bottom of the negative feelings and find alternative coping strategies then I reckon then the fixation will likely resolve itself.

The twaddle from the manosphere misogynist made me laugh. What a knob.

I have been in that place but with someone I really, really fancied at work about 15 years ago. At the time he was separated with kids, and I've just met my now husband. I didn't want to throw away my new boyfriend for a guy I fell deeply in love with, and still have my "what if's" moments.

Nothing ever happened between us but the emotional connection was strong, and maybe I was a coward and stopped contact there and then. I was so in love with him but my then boyfriend was younger and free, and we got along really well at the time.

I often think about this guy, and imagine meeting him again. I have sexual fantasies about him. But there are just that, fantasies, and they stay in that place.

I'm Ok now, but during a really bad patch with my husband a few years ago, I really cried and regretted not having chosen that other person. It's been quite painful, but I'm learning to live with it. We only have one life, and there's a reason why we chose one person/thing/path over another. Once we've taken a choice, we need to stick to it.

Having a little fantasy world to find comfort in when the harsh realities of life creep in is nothing wrong or bad.

However feeling guilty and upset and fed up of him being in part of that fantasy world is causing you issues. I agree with those who say don't listen to that Alpha male bollocks.

The good news is you have already identified that your brain has worn itself into a pattern. You can make a new one for it to go to, but I would advise counselling and also reading up on how to rewire your brain. Lots of great books about that.

You have rightly pointed out that you don't want HIM you want this fantasy, which will bear no relation to who he is in person, nor does it really say anything about your love for your husband. it is a habit you have formed over many years, and it will take time to un-break it. But you can do it.

Good luck.