Part-time parents?

[benvenuti]

My brother and his wife had a baby son, they are both in their 30's and the baby was planned and wanted. However since their son has been a couple of weeks old they have been hardly had him at home, instead he spends between 2 and 4 days and nights at either my mums or with her family or friends. They say that they need their sleep because they have work the next day and the baby keeps them up so instead they often drop him off at my mums in the early evening and pick him up the next night, take him to her sisters, leave him their for another 24 hours before returning him to my mum for another 24 hours. I think they only look after him at home 1 or 2 nights a week max. Since having a baby they have not altered their lifestyle as they still go on regular holidays and nights out. Even if they are both off work they will try and get someone else to take him because they have things they need to do and the baby is an inconvenience.

I know its not really my business but they hardly have any money and both me and my older sister have been helping them out financially, we thought it was for the baby but have found out they have booked a two week holiday in the summer and are not even taking the baby but leaving him with a rotation of family members and friends for two weeks.

I'm angry because I can't afford a holiday myself after giving them nearly £1000 over the past few months. Also my mum is nearly 70 and their baby is not an easy kid he cries a lot and is always ill. They don't give her anything for looking after him so much and she even buys in her own supply of food, nappies and so on. She loves her grandson so much but looking after him really wears her out and she struggles to do much of anything else when she has him.

I think they are really taking advantage of our family, they wanted a baby because that's what you do but they don't actually seem to want to have to deal with him on a day to day basis. Maybe I have it all wrong but I think they are abusing the good will the baby has with the family so that they can be part time parents which maintaining their childfree lifestyle. I'm so close to saying something to them but I don't want to cause problems but they really need to wise up and take responsibility for their baby!

Note: I believe that most weeks he spends just two nights at home with his own mum and dad the rest of the time he is being looked after by other people, they are a bit cagey about the exact details but this is the general pattern. They also often get someone to take him on a friday or saturday so they can get a night out and a drink.

How odd....

Are you sure there's not more to it?? Mental health issues or some curveball??? How well do you really know them?

Seems very strange.....

I think they are fine, obviously its my brother and I've known the woman he is married to for 20 years as we all grew up in the same area. She does have asthma but its under control. Generally I like her and thought she would make a good mum and I don't doubt they love their son but if they can get away with leaving him with other people they will. I know lots of people leave their kids with granny but its more that they want to leave him with my mum over night and all day because they need their sleep, what about my mum she needs her sleep too!

Possible pnd? How old is the baby? I don't know a massive amount but pnd (or a similar disorder) can also sometimes affect fathers.

Yes, could be PND or trying to salvage their relationship if they are having problems?

I couldn't, personally, have done this with my DCs but do know of people who have leaned heavily on family, although not to that extent.

I don't know for sure but I really don't think so I think my brother is having a harder time coping than she is she seems to have everything set up to suit her. He is a difficult baby about 8 months old now and he's not a very happy little baby but then he has no stability as he seems to spend each night in a different house. I accept that looking after him is stressful and time consuming and that it is a relief for them to have others share the burden but they are really pushing it.

There are two issues at play here.

Has your mum complained to you? If not then i'm tempted to say mind your own beeswax. In many parts of the world this is a normalish set up i suspect. (probably including the uk too).
The second one is the holiday and particularly the money. If you feel so strongly about it tell them that you didn't give them the money for them to go off on their own and point out you have forgone your own holiday. (Although why you would forgo your own holiday for another family member seems a puzzling to me in the first place.) If you don't want to speak to them about it then maybe its not bothering you as much as you think.

"They wanted a baby because that's what you do" chimed with me, BTW. I know people who, without a doubt, did this. And subsequently regretted/farmed out as much as possible. But again, not to the extent you describe.

Well he's bound to be an unhappy and difficult baby isn't he?! He will be suffering from early separation anxiety.
its not that stressful looking after your own 8 month old baby full time, plenty of people do it.
i would be saying something if i were you, it may well be that there is some issue going on that you could support them with, or they may realise they are taking the piss! If nobody tells them then they will keep taking it!

I really don't think its PND, the relationship I don't know so much. Their relationship is very different to anything I have experianced my brother was a bit wild in his youth and she is a very strong woman, she would need to be. I know they have had their ups and downs but I don't think their has been any cheating or such going on. If anything my brother has found fatherhood a shock and finds it a bind, even if he loves his son. She is very concerned with keeping up with her peers, having a certain lifestyle (baby included) basically doing things because thats what everyone else is doing.

Poor baby :(

The money I lent them was, I though to help with bills and so on, my brother is freelance and had not been paid and the needed cash for bills that is why I lent them the money.

My mum hasn't complained directly but she is always complining how tired she is and I am worried for her health. In addition they are talking about having a second baby and will no doubt expect the same support.

I don't know a lot about babies but yes this idea of "seperation anxiety" has crossed my mind too.

This is not healthy for this baby. Do you think they had an idealised view of parenthood and it hasn't lived up to their expectations? Poor baby must be confused. Can someone speak to them?

Of course the outcome for the baby is most important and while he is always well looked after and loved I think it is considered really important that a baby have stability and he doesn't have that at all.
I think that they probabaly did have the illusion shattered a bit when their son was not a perfect picture book infant but then isn't that how it is for everyone?

I just feel like they are getting away with it and so they are doing it. It does concern me a bit that they don't want to be with their baby as much as possible.

No surprise they're already planning number 2. The only thing you can do is talk to your mum about why she is so tired/ill, and take it from there.

Of course they're taking advantage, and of course other people resent it. But leave the others to fight their own battles, and focus on getting your mum help with taking the baby less. For a start, she won't be able to do so much for a small child/children when she's 75, which is only a few years away. That should be gently pointed out at once.

The only other thing to bear in mind is that the baby shouldn't suffer long term effects, providing the pool of caregivers isn't that wide or unstable. He won't be that attached to his parents, however.

The only other thing to bear in mind is that the baby shouldn't suffer long term effects, providing the pool of caregivers isn't that wide or unstable. He won't be that attached to his parents, however.

That will have long-term effects. Insecure attachment will potentially affect his entire life.

And I thought Denise and Dave from the Royle Family were just a comic creation, palming their kids off on anyone and everyone rather than spend five minutes with them....

Seriously.... whilst the attitude of your DB and SIL is poor, the baby probably won't suffer lasting damage being brought up mostly by grandma and others provided that his basic needs are being met. If your mother is tired and struggling, she has to be encouraged to speak up. If she thinks the baby would be neglected if she didn't care for him, that might prevent her from stepping back. If that's the case - and especially as you say the baby is sick quite often - Child Protection Services might need to be involved