Fuming that my partner wants to accept baby gifts from his awful family member..

[RL20]

I just wrote nearly all of the post and then deleted it by accident!
So I really will try and cut this short and put my story into bullet points instead!

-been with my partner for 4 years.
-we are expecting our first baby (his second, my first).
-I am currently 7 months pregnant.
-he has a highly dysfunctional family of which I have spoke about on here before, and had help.

• he knows what his family are like, and so does everybody else, including my family.

-this story is about one particular aunt. -she is 45 but one of those ones that wants to be 25, and acts even younger than that.

• extremely bitchy and negative which is the polar opposite to me. I just like a quiet life and can see through people very easily.
• there was a big family fall out over Christmas (his family) of which we were dragged in to (sooo soul destroying, I know). And this particular aunt finally felt she could air her opinions about me in public (on her Facebook page, may I add, but did leave me anonymous).

-there was some text messages sent to me, which have been kept and not replied to, just incase I need them in the future. I was called numerous names.

• as I didn't respond, text messages were sent through to my partners phone instead, saying that she "felt like she could come and punch me". Yes, whilst I was 5 months pregnant. I secretly lived in fear for weeks feeling sick thinking she was going to turn up. She preys on peoples vulnerability.

-my partner did not take it seriously and brushed it under the carpet. -things moved on since then and numbers have been blocked etc. -in the past couple of weeks my partner has reignited with his family a little bit more (I can't stop him, but want not much to do with them myself). She has been in touch with him and offered furniture for the baby.

I am absolutely fuming to say the least. I've had to explain my story as I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful. We have nearly everything sorted anyway, and can afford these certain furniture items ourselves.
Without me knowing, before I had heard about the situation, my partner accepted the gifts.
I'm extremely upset and angry. We have argued twice about this and he cannot seem to see my point.

I want to choose and buy our baby's things, it's my first and will probably be my only too. I feel so overwhelmed and protective of my baby already and feel so angry that he wants our baby using something given to us by someone like that.

Just feeling so down. We have fell out about it tonight and feel like he's being so insensitive about it. He says he's been caught in the middle.
I replied by saying, if I had said these same nasty things to one of his family members, it certainly wouldn't have been forgotten about.
What can I do?:-(

He's caught in the middle of what?

His pregnant partner and the woman who threatened to punch his pregnant partner?

That's some middle he thinks he's in.

Ask him if it would take her actually punching you for him to take it seriously!

I don't blame you. Someone who threatens you with violence should have no place in your life and it's a little worrying that he thinks it's ok. Why isn't he furious that someone threatened you?

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story I know it's long.
I can't stop getting teary, it doesn't help with having extra hormones everywhere.

I don't know. He's gone to bed as he "didn't want to argue about it". I followed him and he wouldn't talk so instead I sent a text message to him explaining that the reason I didn't want to discuss the gifts was because of the reasons I've listed here below, her being a violent bully with disgusting language and all around horrible person.

He has a large family and a lot of them claim that they are a "close family" when infact me being on the outskirts for a few years, know that this isn't true and they just talk crap about each other behind all of their backs. I feel like he's been brainwashed with this family and believes it's normal (although he's said he knows it's not "normal" family behaviour"). They are a hard one to get your head around.

I'm shocked that he's just let it all slide and thought I would forget about it all.
I'm so upset and feel like if we can't get past this, how the hell can I stay with someone who thinks that would be acceptable.
Never thought I would be in this sort of position

I feel like she has offered these gifts via him because she knows he would probably accept because it's for nothing. And she knows I would be hurt and angry by this, and would therefore cause an argument.
It hurts me because we've had a lovely night in until he received a call from her (of which he left the room to talk).
I tried to explain this to him as he went to bed. But I don't think he wants to admit that I'm right.
I feel like I'm getting the blame from
him for him "being stuck in the middle", but I don't think I'm being stubborn at all and I feel like I'm just sticking to my morals!!!

What was the Christmas fall out about?

Yes she shouldn't have said she felt like punching you! What have you been saying to her? Why did she make this threat?

Your DH can be polite but decline saying you have everything you need but thankyou for your kindness

Hi violetta,
The situation and family in general is so hard to explain to people who don't know them!
The family fall out was due to a few of the family members (aunts) arguing about their own personal problems.
They are all so emotionally draining and will argue about anything.
My partner had been dragged into it and we were spoke about in a.. well not a very nice way over Facebook. I tried to call the aunt to ask what the misunderstanding with us was about. She did not answer the call and so was bombarded me with text messages (which are the ones I have not deleted just incase).
We have never particularly got on, never argued but we are just completely different people and we both know that.
So I believe this was her time that she thought would be ok to finally let out her feelings about me, I guess.

I'm so tired and haven't gone to bed yet. I feel like I don't even want to lie next to him tonight as I just don't feel wanted at all

Also, that is good advice.
If he had told me about the offering before accepting it, I would of said exactly the same thing to him, for him to say.
I'm angry that he accepted straight away before even contemplating telling me about it.
I don't know how would get out of it.
The only thing I feel relieved about it as that I have bought baby a Moses basket for the first few months, so this gives time for him to think of something to say. (The gift is a cot) That's if he even changes his mind.
I will personally not be accepting the "gift" and can't bare to think of my baby sleeping in something that is given by her, it makes me boil up just thinking about it.

What has your DH said about the abusive texts? He sounds unsupportive.

You are quite vulnerable being 5 months pregnant.

Is there any chance she's realised just how awful she's been and is trying to make it up?

I'm now 7 months pregnant so even more hormonal than I was 2 months ago when this happened, and even more protective of me and baby.
Unfortunately not as that's not the way she works. Id like to think that, but even my partner knows it wouldn't be that. I believe the reasons are that he has accepted the gift is because 1. It is for free.
And 2. Because he believes this is his ticket out of the feud and he can just slowly sink back into the family routine. But forgetting about what was ever said to me.

I think your problem here is actually your partner, not his family. He has chosen to be in a relationship and have a child with you, so YOU (and baby) are his primary family and your well being should be his number one priority. He should be putting appropriate boundaries in place to ensure that his family of origin cannot abuse you or your child. There should be a zero tolerance policy towards anything that makes you feel unsafe. It is very worrying that he did not react more strongly to the previous incidents and threats. I wonder if that's why you're so upset about the gifts - he should be cutting all contact with this person, not accepting gifts!
I suggest relationship counselling, it could be very helpful for you both in deciding how you're going to deal with these issues going forward.
Do you mind me asking why his previous relationship (with the mother of his first child) ended? Did they also argue about his family?

Hi anotheremma. Thanks for replying. Your post has really got to me as I know it's all true. You're right. It's not that she has offered the gifts, it's that he's willing to accept them from her and forget all about it. Anyone else with sense would of possibly left him, pregnant or not.
I suppose I just don't really know what I'm meant to do from now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. He leaves for work very early and I start work later on on the day so I won't see him until tomorrow night. I can't call him during the day for a normal conversation without settling this either.

He and his ex split whilst she was pregnant. Supposedly before they even found out she was expecting.
For a while now I believe that she possibly did know she was expecting and was probably part of the reason she left.
Whilst I have been with my partner, in the beginning years, I heard nothing but bad words about her. But I have wondered whether she just felt similar to me and also saw straight through the whole family.

It's difficult to say whether you should leave him without knowing the whole story. And obviously that's something only you can decide. Would you be happier without him? But if you still want to make things work and you think he is willing to try, relationship counselling is definitely your best bet. I suspect he might have learned some unhealthy behaviours and ways of thinking from his family which have been affecting his relationships including with you.
Good luck and be kind to yourself It can't be easy being pregnant with an unsupportive partner.

Sounds like a horrible situation hes put you in. Can you tell a little white lie and say you already have a cot on order so won't need hers after all but thank her for her kindness. That might give you a get out of this without caising friction. Also sids guidelines say new mattress each baby so you could use that to look reasonable as well. Hope in the long term this situation improves for you.

Causing

or just leave it to one side, and then when she asks for it back in about 3 months, you can just hand it over? do you have space to 'store' it? I think shes possibly going to try this