I have wasted my life

[carolee76]

I'm in my mid 30's and I feel like so much in my life has not worked out, I think the 21 year old me would be horrified at who I am now. I graduated uni with a first, all kinds of prizes and for the first few years out of uni I continued to do well in an industry related to my my degree, still won some prizes but by the time I was 26 it all started to crumble. I took on too much a post grad degree and a demanding job right before the time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, at which point I also became a carer. Probably if I had reassessed and made some changes dropped out of uni or the job then maybe I could have coped but I tried to do everything as well as look after my mum. It went on for a year where I got more and more stressed, my work suffered, my studies totally stalled and I struggled to cope with my mum. Then my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor and she also needed my support. At that point I just couldn't carry on I walked away from a career I had worked so hard to get into and I dropped out of my masters, took a part time local job in a supermarket and concentrated on looking after my mum and sister. I felt such a failure I had a kind of slow motion breakdown where I went from being a high achiever with all these dreams to someone who could barely get it together to take a shower.

Something inside me broke at that time, I was left with no self belief or confidence and I have never been able to get it back. I don't regret what I did to be there for my family but I hardly know who I am anymore, and it feels too late to start again. I do have a long term partner who I love very much and we plan to marry later this year but I still feel like I am missing out who I might have been and what I might have chosen for myself.

The girl who was my best friend through uni and who also went into the creative arts with me after graduation has been very successful in her work, she deserves it she is very talented and was so smart, and assertive about what she wanted in life but her success reminds me of what I walked away from. We drifted apart back then because she was unimpressed with me giving up what I wanted to help my family. She had little empathy for my situation basically telling me to walk away from my family and do what I wanted to do. She had always been a bit of a "frenemy" tending to undermine myself and others but when I had been stronger I was able to deal with it but as it was I let her make me feel 2 inches tall and she really stuck the boot in and made me feel like I had no business thinking I was her equal. Now she is doing so well it just reminds me of how little I have achieved personally. I don't expect to emulate her success, I don't have her drive, energy or ambition, not now. I used to be talented but I don't even know if I am anymore. I just think that so much of life is already behind me how can I start now, from scratch and compete with people my age who are already successful and establised or with people much younger than me with all that energy.

I know I am being negative, I feel I have been conditioned by so many failures and bad experiances, I have no motivatiob because I don't have a shred of self belief that I can achieve anything.

I feel like my whole life has been a big false start and I wish I could go back and start again.

You're only mid30's, you have plenty of time to do whatever you want to do.

You're early promise is clearly a sign of talent, if you wanted to go back and complete your masters is that a possibility?

Ignore your for enemy, block her on social media, even if it isn't deliberate contact is doing you know favours.

And ultimately, you chose to help your family over your career, I think that makes you incredibly successful at what's important in life.

You have not wasted your life, it just took a different direction to the one you planned. You are still the same person, with the same abilities and potential that won you all those accolades. Your 'friend' was no friend.
Mid 30s is nothing, really. First - why used to give you joy? Think really hard. Then picture yourself doing that again. Then start looking at ways you might get there. You don't have to decide, you don't have to commit. Just start imagining and investigating.

Why can't you re start your masters? I'm in the process of applying to do mine and I'm close to you in age!?

Never give up in your dreams

Hello Carolee

It must have taken great courage & dedication to look after your family

I read recently where someone had graduated as a doctor in their 50s. They proudly said that they hoped to offer at least 20 years service as a doctor.

You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it !

Decide what you want to do & go for it

You are never too old to learn new things

Good luck

You are still young yet.

I work with lots of older students who are doing Masters/PhDs and I also took several years out myself.

It is possible to get back in there, although you may not want to go back to your former career if it is extremely demanding.

I'm not surprised you had a breakdown with your mum and sister so very ill and you have had a lot more than many people to cope with.

ou remind me of mums who gave up their careers when their children were little and lose confidence they can still hack it. There are lots of threads on this on MN and you may find the advice on them helpful even though there is a different reason for the time out.

Your thinking has got a bit stuck and negative, but you can unstick it. You need to think more flexibly about what you can do. Are you still working? Would you like to use your previous skills? You can always train/tutor/teach that subject as well as work in it directly.

Have a chat with your partner, tell him you feel stuck and you'd like his help to get something back career-wise and then make a plan.

I have lots of colleagues and students who have had up to a decade or more out of the workplace but have got back in. You don't go back in at the same level as if you had never left, but if you can suck up having younger people doing well around you it will be fine.

Perhaps don't tell your friend what you are doing, she doesn't sound like much of a friend, I think I would quietly let that one drop.

Good luck with it all, the 'old' you is not gone forever, just resting and recreating into a new and better you with a lot more empathy and insight into the human condition. Don't devalue this.

You put family before your career, it just means you're a good person. I'd be proud of that personally.
You're looking at life from the wrong perspective is all!

I'm 37, came to UK when I was 28. Started everything from scratch, where back in my country I had a great career.
Arrived, worked as a shop assistant for 1.5 years, started to do professional courses and got a job in the industry I desired, (even part-time gave me fulfillment).
After a year being in the industry I had to help my younger sister to stand up on her feet. I took another 2 jobs (on the weekends as a waitress and during a week as a shop assistant). Stopped studying. Within 2 years I got my sister on her feet. I don't even regret that I have been caught (in the restaurant I worked as a waitress) by one of my co-workers. I felt bad but family is always on the first place.
I left the industry with the hope to concentrate on my studies and work as a shop assistant now. Might not have a chance to get a job in the industry (being out for 3 years). But that doesn't stop me.
And I also had been belittled by someone who has achieved a lot in the same industry. But I know one thing: I am very bad at networking and prefer doing everything myself. That doesn't help but that's who I am.
Where the person who looked down on me got all his positions through networking.
It's about you and how you want and choose to live. You compete only with yourself. Job doesn't define you, it's who you are inside. At the end of the day you will be surrounded by your dearest and nearest people no matter were you a CEO or a cleaner.
And it is never too late to start over again!

Good luck, x

Even though you feel like you're not "you" any more (the old "you") that person is still inside you - you've just been through an incredibly challenging and stressful time and it's very normal not to cope in those circumstances.

It's an amazing thing to do, being a carer - I think you should be proud of yourself. And I also think you need some time to rebuild your energy levels now.

Have you spoken to your GP at all about this? You're describing quite a normal response to extreme stress with the breakdown but there's lots of help available to get you back to the way you want to feel.

Caring for two ill family members IS NOT a waste of your life. It is however occasionally lonely, stressful, boring and stifling. However that part of your life is over now? You are the captain of your own ship, so choose your destination and set sail.

Oh ditch the frenemy too!!

The George Eliot quote is 'It's never too late to be what you might have been.' In your case however, I think you should try to be less concerned with what you were going to be and instead make the most of what you are. Few people have your combination of skills and qualities. Universities churn out highly qualified two-dimensional people on a daily basis ... I meet them regularly and they are all the same. You have not just intelligence and talent but emotional depth and strong principles. That's got to be an advantage.

You say your friend "made me feel like I had no business thinking I was her equal". You are right that you are not her equal, you are worth a hundred of your "friend". You sacrificed your career to look after your mum and sister and the fact that you were prepared to do that says an awful lot about the kind of person that you are. Compassionate, kind, caring and thoughtful. To be like that you have not wasted your life.

Nor have you sacrificed your career if you don't want to. You put it on hold and when you want to you can take it off hold. You say that you were talented, if you were talented before then you are still talented now.

You were very young to be a carer to your mum and you had an awful lot to deal with. It is not surprising that you were stressed and that you have lost confidence. You are still young, you have plenty of time to achieve what you want to, you really do. As other posters have suggested could you re-start your Masters, finding out that you are still good at what you did will hopefully help your confidence and self belief to return.

Wishing you all the best x

Now she is doing so well it just reminds me of how little I have achieved personally - you have achieved so so so much more.....

what Inexperienced says - you did the right thing at the time - you know you would not have done anything else....

But I detect that passion & ambition coming back - harness it - not too late as we will be working till we are 70!

Maybe see a life coach or look at on line resources to get your self back on track - you might discover that you will choose a different track now - enlightened by your experiences.

Of I was interviewing you and heard your story I would be so impressed with your focus, loyalty, dedication and commitment and would want that proven energy for my business.

You have been through the worst in life - you are moving through it - turning a corner - be positive and go for it....

Confidence trick is "fake it, to make it" - for the 5 mins when you make a cold call, for the 30 minute interview or the 1 hr face to face work meeting - take a deep breath and exude confidence for those short moments...

Good Luck.............

Great advice from Cogito.
You are still young.
You were a victim of circumstance, not any failure on your part.
All the best.

Unfortunately our society does not admire or reward selflessness. Caring for others is one of the hardest things you can do but employers don't care and don't want to hear sob stories. When we graduate from uni we're told we can achieve anything but in reality it's not about how talented you are
It's the luck of the draw and a lot of it is about family support. Unlike many of your peers, when you were in your 20s you were supporting your sick family members instead of having family support you.

I don't think you wasted your life. Would working for a corporation have been any more meaningful than what you did? Instead of regretting your wasted career potential, try to focus on what you can do now and on finding the right role for you for the future

I am in a similar position - graduated with a First, had great potential and an impressive start to my career but I made a couple of poor career moves, compromised for family reasons and now am a SAHM looking to retirn to work after a 3 year break. It is soul destroying when I see the progress some of my peers have made in their careers. I am seeing a career counselor to help me focus on new areas and finding a new career thst will be more fulfilling. Is this something you could do?

You have not wasted anything. You have shown you have a beautiful heart by putting your family first. You have a partner you love, who loves you back and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I do know exactly how you feel though. I have been there, putting others first and ending up in a position where I feel like the loser ( exH blamed me looking after my ill father for the breakdown of our marriage as I hadn't enough time for him - he was ill for four months!). What the ex and your frenemy have in common is that they both lost a good person in their lives who would have given to them too.

Forget her, you are kind and clever and have a successful relationship.
Go back to college, take some time for you and have a fabulous wedding and beyond.

Hunger - a career counsellor -- what a great idea - where do you find them, how much do they cost and how do you know if they are any good....would love to find out more.

Hunger I would be interested too. Am in quite similar circumstances to the OP.

Carolee it is so, so tempting to compare to your "friend" but no one knows what the future holds. You are still young and even the fact you are thinking of your next steps speaks volumes about your character.

So sorry to hear what you have gone through. If this helps i have no education because i had to have heart surgery. Don't be jealous of your friend its not her fault i think you have done well. And sometimes these tests are to strengthen our character. Big hugs.

OP, you have done so much more with your life so far than you are giving yourself credit for.

Many people who focus on their careers look back and wish they had spent more time with family/had put it in perspective a little more. Unfortunately, it is human nature to think how things could have been. You seemed to have had a terrible few years which must have been emotionally draining on you, and you missed out on a lot of things you could have enjoyed along the way. However, had you persued your career and not played the role you did in your family's life, could you look back now and feel you did the right thing? I don't think you could. But you did do the right thing, a highly commendable thing. You should be proud of your resiliance, selflessness and ability to hold yourself together and come through the other side.

You sound like a high achiever who is giving herself grief for not feeling like she's reached her potential. Turn that into a good thing - you are still incredibly young. You are getting married this year, focus on the good things in your life and build on it from there. It's hard, but I think you would be telling us an even sadder story if you'd effectively abandoned your family for your career - it's amazing that you did that for your family.

Your 'freind' - doesn't really sound like a friend. And if she is, she clearly has some insecurity of her own. Try and remember that everyone has their regrets and nobody's life is perfect. However, if the relationship with this friend is making it harder to re build your life, it's time to distance yourself from her and fill your life with people who are going to be your support and positivity going forwards.

Success isn't about life going to plan. It's about how you choose to deal with the realities that you are actually faced with.

You have not wasted your life. You were faced with real difficulties, and you met them. You can be proud of yourself.

I think when you're reassessing your life as an old lady you won't look back on this time as a failure. You have achieved far more already than most people achieve in a lifetime - you have been to hell and back, willingly, for people you love, and you have the scars to show for it. You have lived, properly, and it's hurt you because that's what really living does.

Give yourself time to heal and get back on your feet. You don't need to be or do anything. You have already shown qualities that people yearn for and value - selflessness, compassion, caring, love.

You have so many years ahead of you. There is time yet to do everything you wanted to do.

Dear carolee76,

Congratulations for your First at Uni, for your coming wedding and your amazing life choices! You are a great person and I am sure a lot of people wish they could be you.

Do you mind me asking what happened to your mother and sister? If they died, it is the best thing ever that you could still spend so much time with them. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother before she died and I am forever grateful for that amazing time with my amazing grandma. However at the moment I don't think I am spending enough time with my parents and I feel guilty. You are a better person than me.

Are their any scholarships for women returning to their carreer after a break in your field? That could also be something to look into. Would the masters be financially difficult? Could you get scolarahips for that? Once you are back to uni you would feel the buzz again. As other's said, don't compary yourself to that other girl, focus on you and acieve the very best in your own life for your own fulfilment and happyness.

All the best,
ReturnfromtheStars

Goats brilliant post, could not have written it better myself.