What to do about my marriage

[Rosieloveschocolate]

I have been with DH for 17 years, married for 14. We met at university at 18 and got married at 21. Now have 2 DC aged 5 and 2.

I just don't think I love him or that he loves me . But when I think about separating I just feel so guilty about blowing my children's home apart when he's not abusive or anything. He is lovely in lots of ways and there's nothing wrong with him but to be honest he just bores me. But is that a good enough reason to break up my children's home?

He has no hobbies and one friend who he sees a couple of times a year, so he's always around and has very little to talk about. Nothing gets him excited or animated at all. He has no interest in booking holidays or days out- he enjoys them when we go but literally never organises anything. We are currently buying a new family car but he says he can't muster any enthusiasm for it as he really wants a sports car. When I try to start a conversation about hopes and dreams he just says he can't really picture anything apart from working.

On the plus side he's good at doing his share of childcare and pulls his weight on my working days, including stepping in if I get stuck in a late meeting. He's very verbally positive and supportive of my career goals, although doesn't offer any practical/ housework support during stressful periods until I am literally on my knees with stress. He will do things when asked but has no initiative. He is good with the children and loves them to bits.

Basically we should not have got married in the first place (I married him partly because I was insecure at the time and partly because I felt sorry for him) but here we are with 2 DC and I don't know what to do. I feel that I need some affection and some enthusiasm for life from him. I'm finding myself wishing he would have an affair so I could leave him without guilt (of course I know that would be hideous IRL- I am not minimising how devastating it must be to be cheated on).

Is it terrible to consider splitting up in these circumstances? Has anyone done this and how did it work out?

Thank you for reading my long post!

Hmm. Can you talk to him about this? In terms of talking the initiative, I now just ask dh to help and in what way. I also pencil in days when I need him to look after children at weekends do I can work. Can you find more hobbies or go yo see friends so you feel more fulfilled?

Thank you for your reply Haggisfish. I have loads of hobbies and friends so am fulfilled in that sense but it's not the same as having a happy marriage. I have spoken to him about it in the past. In Jan 14 I had a big talk to him about feeling the pressure to be his whole life as he has nothing else, and he accepted it and promised to branch out. Then on Valentine's Day he gave me a card which said 'you're my everything' on the front

My mum married someone later in life very like your dh-it drove her utterly nuts and they divorced. I think being a single parent to two small children would be incredibly hard though. Can you give yourself a time limit of say three years to try and see an improvement? Does he want to get new hobbies etc?

Is it not ok for him to only have one friend and focus his efforts on the family and home? Maybe he is introverted and likes what he has already - why does he have to branch out because YOU want him too. Isn't he happy already?

I'm not saying stay with him if you're unhappy but I'm saying that essentially there's nothing wrong with him either, he just isn't acting how you would like.

Be careful - the grass is greener where you water it!

Thank you Quitelikely- yes of course it is fine for him to be like that. I suppose that's the point of my message really- I know I can't change him so I need to decide whether to leave if I'm not happy, but that seems awful for my children.