Is "Affair Fog" a real thing?

[Balletballyflats]

Or just something cheated spouses cling to?

Why is it shite?

Because it's mealy mouthed and cruel at the same time. It leaves the other person not knowing where they stand. As it sounds as though you've said that to your partner yourself, I'd suggest a better way to put it is 'I care aboutr you, but not enough to continue being married'

I haven't said that to him but it really is how I feel.

I care for him and love him hugely BUT there's such a lot of hurt and frustration that any romantic feelings have gone. I flinch as he touches me.

Living with someone who finches at your touch has to be pretty bad. Whatever has gone wrong in a relationship the answer is not to stick around punishing someone with either emotional desertion or emotional detachment. Kinder to end it

Even if he's begging me to stay? And for the children? It feels so cruel to leave/split. I hoped I could reconnect somehow.

Yeah that's true cogito and its incredibly annoying. I have been on the receiving end of that a time or two.

There is also a big difference between having a one nighter and seeing someone else on the regular. Agree that if it's someone regular it can throw an unflattering light on your primary relationship. OTOH if it highlights that you are not really happy with your partner, perhaps in the long run that can be a good thing and a catalyst to either change the relationship, or to move on.

Chicken it sounds like your fella has only decided to get off his arse once he realised you had other options. Your previous threats to leave him obviously he didn't take seriously. As cogito says "too little too late" and if that's the case there's really no assurance that he would continue changing his behaviour once you've agreed to stay. It sounds like your fling has opened your eyes that while you're fond of your fella, you don't love him enough to want to stay with him.

Just seen your last post. If you feel you can give it another go then there's nothing stopping you - that's your decision to make. Is he a good parent? Is he willing to open up in counselling?

There is a halfway house where you go for a trial separation. Living in a situation where one person is flinching and the other is begging is unhealthy... and children will pick up on it as well. Spend some time apart, see how you get on without each other, think through the options, take the raw emotion, guilt and fear down a few notches and you might find there is something worth preserving.

Even if he's begging me to stay? And for the children?

But at the end of the day, you don't want to, do you? You'd like to feel differently about him, but you don't. Honestly I think you'd be doing all of you a huge favour in putting this relationship out of its misery (you've been unhappy for years, he's unhappy now).

If a partner is a good parent, emotionally supportive, does their bit around the house, etc, I can't really get too upset about them occasionally getting a bit of outside action, providing of course they use condoms and aren't inconveniencing me/kids or over-spending.

Pocketsaviour I really hope this is not how my dh sees things (and sometimes I wonder ). Do you and your dp have an open relationship? Do you also have the occasional fling and is he ok with this? Does he tell you when he sleeps with someone else? I admire you but I couldn't stand this. It would tip me over the edge jealousy and self-esteem wise. Doesn't help that communication is not that great between h and I and he is already on the secretive end of the spectrum.

I've suggested a separation and he won't even consider it. We live very separately now and have done for a long time but it's only now that he's noticed and also that he wants to do something about it.

If one of you is more keen to bring this to a timely end than the other, that person has to take the initiative. Dysfunctional living, keeping up a pretence, avoiding the elephant in the room, etc is horribly stressful. You could still be feeling the same way 10 years from now, a few more lovers under your belt

If a partner is a good parent, emotionally supportive, does their bit around the house, etc, I can't really get too upset about them occasionally getting a bit of outside action, providing of course they use condoms and aren't inconveniencing me/kids or over-spending.

Interestingly simplistic. It is actually the lies, deceit and change of relationship dynamic which an affair causes, that kills it. Ime. Everyone is entitled to enter a relationship type of their choosing and everyone deserves respect and honesty within that relationship, whatever the type.

There is a fog but as a pp said, it is a fantasy. They live a fantasy and let reality slide. The fantasy becomes the more important aspect and reality becomes a dream. Both fantasy and dissociation, then?

However, each affair dynamic is different. In my experiences, one entered a fog, while the other did it out of sheer spite. Both (foggily?) thought they'd 'get away with it' and that I'd 'take them back'. This must have been fog induced thinking because they each (in reality) knew full well, that I wouldn't continue a relationship with someone like them. I'd almost believe they were 'get out' manoeuvres, if they hadn't both been ridiculously intent on staying with me.

Chickencup. You had the affair because you chose to, not because your husband had emotionally withdrawn. You may have been very unhappy about his withdrawal, but acceptance that you are to blame for having the affair is vital, and yes there are many instances of the flame being restored when it has seemingly gone out, especially if there are still residual feelings. A good counsellor, who specialises in this area would help enormously. I get the impression that you do want to try, so go for it. After all, there will be reasons why your husband withdrew, and they may not all refer to him.

Yes a sort of fog seems to exist. Excitement and a release from reality (well summed up earlier) are essential parts of the fog. but the fact is that few of these affair relationships survive once the affairees are truly together.

How do you feel about your fling partner now? If you are still in the fog then your relationship with your husband has no chance.

Still not getting 'fog' from that description :) Self delusion perhaps. Impulse, possibly. Underpinned with the belief that ordinary rules don't apply or that there will be no consequences. You could say the same about any immoral (or even illegal) behaviour however. Does someone pilfer the petty cash because they are in a fog or because it feels good at the time and besides, no-one will miss it?

Fog = can`t see reality

The reason that 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is so mean is because it implies that if they try, if they change, then the love you had for them will come flooding back when in reality, it's over and what you feel is a totally different kind of love; a caring about what happens to them love, hope they're ok but nothing like the passionate love that they think you mean.

To me, it made me cling onto someone who really didn't feel the same AT ALL anymore and it took a few weeks of complete heartache to accept that whereas if he'd been honest, the initial hit would've been harder but much better long term.

It feels like a phrase that soothes the leaver rather than the one being left behind

Sorry - projecting a bit there and I do believe it is how you feel but as explained above, it means different things to the couple involved.

Self delusion perhaps.

Yes! A form of denial? But that brings it back to a denial of reality in favour of the fantasy, maybe. Hmmm

I suspect most aren't actively denying the reality but simply ignoring the wider implications in favour of having a good time. Like driving at 100mph whilst being fully aware there's a speed limit. I think the self-delusional part applies to the more organised types that see no major inconsistency in running a mistress or seeing hookers and claiming to love a wife at the same time. I don't think they're living in a fantasy, exactly, it's more an exercise in rationalisation to justify how 'having cake' and 'eating it' can happily co-exist. :)

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