How to get back into things physically

[getyourgeekon]

NC to avoid being identified and random title to minimise trolling...
DH and I haven't had sex since before DS was born, so around 18 months now. Frequently say that we must have sex soon then in the same breath - let's not put any pressure on ourselves. So it never happens.

A few things are contributing I imagine. We both have body image issues and are not looking after ourselves particularly well. I had PND and am still on meds. I had a difficult birth and have had gynae physio to help with incontinence. That's improved, but things feel different down there and not nice (no prolapse though).

DH doesn't have a particularly high sex drive. This has been a problem historically - now it is easy for him not to instigate anything because I don't feel like it anyway. I also feel like I have less emotional or physical capacity for DH since having DS. We're still very close, very affectionate, talk, but I have a shorter fuse and am more insular than I was.

I know some of these things need to be resolved irrespectively. I've had some nhs counselling for pnd but didn't discuss this.

I think it might be best to acknowledge the other issues but just start having sex and treat it as something mundane - I just don't feel the desire to. I read advice about trying things other than intercourse to reconnect, but tbh the idea makes me cringe. That's awful isn't it. I feel like we'll never have sex again.

Does anyone have any advice, or can point me in the direction of helpful books/websites? Thank you

Ugh, apologies for the essay also.

If the feeling is mutual about the sex then you could just not have sex? Sex doesn't make a strong relationship. Just make sure you show each other affection in other ways like cuddles, kisses and spending quality time together. I know it's unlikely you're old but many elderly couples don't have sex anymore and they get on fine, they don't need the sex :) don't worry, I'm sure the libido will come back in time. Don't force yourselves or you'll add unnecessary pressure . Take care xx

www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/Pages/Introduction.aspx

read the above link, loss of libido is more common in people than you think.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Goodsex/Pages/Goodsexhome.aspx

if you haven't already read these :)

From what you say I'm not sure 'the libido will come back in time' when your partner has a low sex drive and thinking about sex makes you cringe.

Can you accept a sexless relationship? If not you will have to tackle it.

Do you want to live without sex, I couldn't in a relationship.

Sounds like you've got yourself into a rut so it will take a lot of effort from both of you to get things going - create a romantic environment, candles etc or go out for the night just the two of you, can you get someone to babysit overnight, that would help.

You both have to want it though.

Instead of saying "we must have sex soon", say "when will we have sex?"

Its not going to be spontaeneous. Therefore it has to be a scheduled event. So you have to consciously schedule it. The least sexy thing in the world! But needs must if you really do want to start it again.

Maybe you should sort your other issues out first instead of putting pressure on yourself to do something you don't want to do?

Your interest in sex is much more likely to return when you feel better overall.

Thank you all so much for the replies - I am grateful. It's not easy to think about this. Obsess thanks for those links, I'll take a read when I get home.

yes we need to deal with the 'wanting to' which is probably something we need to do individually and as a priority. I don't think we want a sexless relationship, or at least I don't think we would if other areas were addressed. But I don't think our libidos will change unless we actually take action.

In the meantime I think we do need to just have a go at doing it, just to get over some of my post-baby worries (that it'll feel so different, in a bad way). I'm not really into romance, but maybe a large glass of wine and an early night would help!

Sex is really just the ultimate expression of intimacy. So rather than scheduling sex per se set aside the time and make the effort to be intimate, physically and emotionally, flirting with each other, being tactile, etc

What can help is to try to recreate the same kind of environment from when you first met and were most sexually active. Set the scene with a no holds barred conversation about 'do you remember the time we did it.... ' on a train/on the beach/on the back seat of granny's Volvo.... etc. And yes a glass of wine helps that one...

Why do you think it will feel different "in a bad way" ?

@domingo... as someone who had their genitals surgically rearranged in the process of giving birth I can tell you that everything feels different in a bad way at first! Your body which you used to know and trust is suddenly alien and doesn't respond the way it used to. Takes time to trust it again.

Bear in mind that some anti-depressants lower libido so this could be another contributing factor for your side of things.

I would imagine it must be quite off-putting to feel that your partner doesn't seem bothered that you aren't having sex. If you are having body image issues and worries about your lady equipment post-birth, this can only be contributing.

Is it just the idea of intercourse that makes you cringe? what if you were to just agree to oral or mutual masturbation but not P-I-V? I think a lot of people get very focussed on PIV and think other forms of sex "don't count". I had huge amounts of sex with my ex but probably less than 10% of it was PIV as I often find it painful (not baby related.) We did have a fair amount of anal though.