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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please, I need somebody to talk to

22 replies

SomeSunGrazia · 02/02/2015 16:15

I'll try and keep this short and simple.
My mum, who I was very close to, died a few years ago, I'm an only child with no female relatives (aunts, cousins etc). I have a few close friends but they're scattered atm from travelling, emigrating etc.
I've spent the weekend crying and had to go to my GP today for a sick note.
On Friday I discovered I can't have kids, on Friday night I had a major 'discussion' with my bf, who said that "needing to have kids was bigger than him" and it was "nobody's fault" but this was non-negotiable with him.
I can't quite put into words how stabbed inside I feel, I can't decide if he's being horrible or just honest, I don't see how I can recover from being dumped for something wrong inside me instead of an external personality clash or whatever. Like i've been rejected purely because I'm broken, and I have nobody in my life to put me back together again. I miss my mother more today than ever, I can't think clearly, am paralysed, and I'm going to die childless and alone. I'm 30 years old, if it matters. My dad, on the phone, said "kids are overrated" and he hoped I wasn't going to "go weird over this".
Can anyone wake me up, i feel i'm going somewhere very dark and i'm afraid.

OP posts:

JustCallMeBridget · 02/02/2015 16:18

Don't panic. Depending on your diagnosis there are options for children - IVF, surrogacy, adoption.

Surrogacy would allow a child genetically yours to be born.

Just please take a deep breath, you're in shock and try and calm down

pocketsaviour · 02/02/2015 16:27

I'm so sorry for your pain, and that the two people in your life who should have supported you - your BF and your dad - have been so unsupportive.

Can you speak to any of your friends via Skype, email, etc?

Frostyfoxy · 02/02/2015 16:30

This is a blow, albeit a very big one, that you have to process. Give it time, allow yourself time to adapt to a different life than the one you envisaged previously. Take one step at a time and you'll find life will look good again! I've taken so long to try and find the right words to say what I wanted to say that I will probably be the 100th post by now!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 16:44

I'm sorry you've had such bad news but I have to say that your boyfriend sounds like a World Class Shit. Even if having children is very important to him, he's showing so little compassion and so much selfishness that it's staggering. I don't therefore think that you're being rejected because of infertility. I think he's bailing on you because he's cruel...and that one day you'll treat it as a lucky escape.

If you're short on friends and your family aren't being helpful then please talk to your GP and ask for counselling. This is a grief process and you need support

AmantesSuntAmentes · 02/02/2015 16:55

He's being horrible! This is the kind of thing which decent people would work their way through together, surely? There are so many ways to achieve parenthood that to bail at the first hurdle, strikes me as spineless and I'm sorry to say, an excuse.

You are, without a shadow of a doubt, worth far more than to suffer someone with such an abysmal outlook. It is hard, not having family (I know) and you shouldn't be alone but you will make it through this. Have hope.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 16:59

The boyfriend isn't obliged to carry on with the relationship and work through it etc. but it's the speed with which he's acted that is so heartless. The OP only found out on Friday and already he's shown a clean pair of heels.

Original poster

SomeSunGrazia · 02/02/2015 17:05

Thanks for your replies, I feel bad for posting, just got so so lonely today.

Talked to a friend who is going to fly and see me in a couple of weeks time.

I don't know anything about surrogacy, did have a quick google there but seems so complicated and expensive, don't want to look right now, too brain-dead.

frosty thank you for saying nice things, i appreciate it.

And weirdly, thanks for saying that cogito I need to hear it's him not me, it hurts just a tiny little bit less. You think someone loves you for you, you know? not because of potential babies. i wouldn't have dumped him, if his sperm had been rubbish. would have never entered my head

OP posts:

AmantesSuntAmentes · 02/02/2015 17:09

Cogito, I would have said so too, if it weren't for my two closest friends (partners). One absolutely wants dc, one absolutely doesn't. They each love each other more than their individual wishes. Now, beyond the point of having children, they are entirely happy just to be with each other. Op's dp may not be obliged to stay, as such but he had the choice to do so, all the same.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 02/02/2015 17:09

Nextwednesday · 02/02/2015 17:15

Has he actually left/ended the relationship? That's really awful that he should do that when you have just been told.

I know it's not easy but can you consider these two issues separately I.e. not being able to have children and the end of your relationship.

Re the infertility, it might not be the end of the road for you and there are options to explore or you might need some time to adjust to accepting a life without children.

Frostyfoxy · 02/02/2015 17:18

As has been said before you are worth more than potential babies and if your bf couldn't see that, that is most definitely his problem and not yours!! Maybe it was a knee jerk reaction from him but he wasn't thinking of how you may be feeling about it.

Focus on your friend coming in a couple of weeks, let it all out when you have someone supportive with you. In the meantime look after yourself as you are the most important person in your own life at the moment.

Original poster

SomeSunGrazia · 02/02/2015 17:20

Yes, he said he had to have children and that he was sorry. and that i'm lovely and beautiful and everything but children mean more.

I'm not good at accepting things, am stubborn usually, and will get things done, just don't know where to start, or what to do here. can't fix this

OP posts:

Frostyfoxy · 02/02/2015 17:20

AmantesSuntAmentes · 02/02/2015 17:39

What do you want to do? What would help you to feel OK, right now? Have you had any communication with him? Do you want any communication with him? Would research about the fertility difference you have and ways to surmount it, help you? Could you go somewhere or do something different, to give your mind a break from it all? Is there anything which appeals to you? Making plans can be a good thing, looking to the future, be it tomorrow or five weeks or five months away.

MatildaTheCat · 02/02/2015 17:40

OP, it's not done on here but I am sending you a big, soft hug. What a horrible time.. Getting a sick note is the right thing to do. Try to get out and do some gentle exercise, think and appreciate even a bird singing.

May I ask ( please don't feel you have to reply) what you can't have children? Is it that definite? I ask because I was a midwife for many years and quite often people had been told something along the lines of 'you have poly cystic ovaries and this can cause fertility problems' and they came out having heard, 'you will never conceive'. This may not be anything close to the mark but as others have said, science is wonderful these days and evolving all the time.

It's incredibly sad about your bf. I may have missed how long you've been together and how serious but it sounds quite long term. Hard though it is, I guess you are better off knowing how he feels. It's also just possible that he reacted through shock but again only you can judge.

So glad you have a friend coming. Your dad needs a hard kick up the bum . In the meantime there are lots of kind people here. Take care.

Original poster

SomeSunGrazia · 02/02/2015 17:40

I really thought he was great, that we'd be that sappy old couple holding hands at 80.maybe he was already looking for an exit and this was handy. i want to break things. mostly i want my mum to make it all better, and i don't care that i'm supposed to be an adult.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeSunGrazia · 02/02/2015 17:44

matilda I have a deformed/ malformed? uterus or something. I don't really get a period but i just thought that was because i'd been on the pill for about 12 years

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 02/02/2015 17:45

At least you know he's a twat now..,

I'm so sorry OP

Be kind to yourself, allow time to process.

RolandRatRocks · 02/02/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 18:31

You can't fix everything all the time. Sometimes the only useful course of action is to lick wounds, have a large scotch and wait for the sun to come out. Glad you've got a friend coming to see you.

halfwildlingwoman · 02/02/2015 18:56

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. I can see it feels very dark now, but hold on. You have a friend coming, so there is something to look forward to. I think time off work and some long walks may help. None of this is your fault and there was nothing you could have done differently. Big hugs. x

springydaffs · 02/02/2015 19:29

oh Grazia, what a huge blow, upon huge blow! another hug coming from me

Hold on darling. Hold on. These terrible times do pass, they really do. You are grieving, and grieving takes its blasted time. So go as easy a possible with yourself for now, cosset yourself as you wait to emerge from this. Hold on to your sanity - it may feel like its going for a walk sometimes but keep it on a lead! You're dealing with some huge blows here, go easy and take care of yourself. Things won't always look as bleak as they do now xx

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