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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Suspected OW back in our lives

24 replies

FarHaveITravelled · 02/02/2015 12:45

11 years ago this summer my DH went away for two weeks when one of our DC was 4 weeks old. He was away for something to do with his hobby.

While away he would phone home and the mentionitis started about one of the women there. He let slip that they'd shared sleeping areas and it seemed they were spending all their time together. He even sent me a huge bunch of flowers for the first and last time in our history together.

Once home he was texting her often but deleted the texts which is extremely unlike him. A few weeks later I intercepted an email she sent saying she was looking forward to seeing him again and had some pictures and things for him. I replied telling her he wouldn't be at the planned meet up and to not make contact again outside of their organization.

I didn't have the strength to really deal with it all, I was diagnosed with PND while he was away and which he didn't react well too. Once I was well enough too much time had passed, I had no proof of anything an she lives far, far away so I did nothing. Yes, I am stupid.

Over the years he has gone out his way not to mention her. Everyone else involved in the hobby is mentioned by name except her. She's "one of the women".

Last year he was on a course and failed to mention she was there too until he accidentally let her name slip and I saw a group photo.

Last night DH announced she's going to be his 'boss' and that means they will be phoning, emailing and seeing each other often. I am sick at the thought. What on earth do I do, if anything? It was so long ago but I really don't want her back in his life to this extent.

This is a very potted version of history but the main things are there.

OP posts:

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 02/02/2015 12:50

Sorry, I know you've posted quite a lot if detail, but what do you think actually happened between them? Do you think they've had an 11 year affair?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 13:12

Have you ever asked him outright if anything went on between him and this woman? Eleven years of mistrust is enough to kill even the strongest relationship stone dead

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 02/02/2015 16:22

I think you need to have a firm talk. It sounds like though he has possibly emotionally disconnected from your relationship a while now and i think you need to be brave and ask him what your future is.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2015 16:32

11 years! Oh dear OP, I don't know how you have managed this long knowing they were obviously still in contact. You have buried your head in the sand rather than facing the truth and this latest development is just a step too far for you to ignore.

You are going to have to make a decision whether you can carry on living this way...there is nothing in your post to show that he stopped whatever he was doing with her or that he was at all sorry.

It is down to whether you can see your life without him.

MaMaof04 · 02/02/2015 17:04

1- Do not call yourself stupid- 11 years ago you had more urgent issues to deal with: PND, a baby, other kids maybe.
2- I always advise honesty and confronting problems so please take time to prepare yourself to confront him: write down the questions you want to ask him, and prepare yourself that:
although his answers might reassure you,they might as well be very 'unsettling emotionally' (it is a euphemism- they might totally wreck your world).

How to confront him? Are you strong enough to do it on your own?
Can you financially allow yourself to go to counseling?
You might perhaps write to him an e-mail (the physical distance helps- you can always delete what looks as too emotional in your text and re-edit) where you tell him that given his new job 'human environment', you would like to go to counseling together with him- if he agrees then you are half-way toward healing from all this and at a counseling session raise your fears/questions etc, the prof. will help you deal with your emotions; if he does not accept try to prepare mentally and emotionally for a face to face confrontation (make sure that after such confrontation there is someone else out there for you to meet, to hug or something you enjoy doing on your own: a walk, a book, a cinema movie, a dancing class etc etc). In fact if he does not do much to reassure you (not just words!) then you might ask for a little break from him before you decide how you want to proceed. It will be a bit tough on you if he refuses to actively address your fears/worries: it might be because there are no grounds for you to worry and it might be because he refuses to see the negative impact his affair with the OW has on you (you might want to run away if this is the case...) Good Luck!

Quitelikely · 02/02/2015 17:08

I think you have no option but to confront the situation. However I cannot for the life of me see your husband confessing to anything.

Does he have to take this job?

Original poster

FarHaveITravelled · 02/02/2015 18:07

Thank you for all replies.

I'll try to answer some questions but am bound to miss a few.

Firstly, this hasn't been going on for 11 years. 'It', whatever it was, happened 11 years ago but because I didn't get the bottom of it back then it's lingered in the back of my mind all this time. I have a feeling something happened but I'm not sure how far things went.

Mostly we're normal and happy at least until her name is mentioned. Even tonight he's referred to her by title rather than by name.

I will speak to DH. I am a much stronger person than I was then and have no fears per having to open a can of worms if needs be.

I just can't believe this is happening. She lives over 200 miles away! It's not a proper job, this is all a hobby for both of them. Apparently she was the best person to fill the roll and she plans to do it at a distance.

OP posts:

littleleftie · 02/02/2015 19:44

So it's not a job, it's just a hobby?! Have they been in contact though throughout the past 11 years? So they actually could have been having a relationship all that time? Or has she been completely out of the picture for 11 years and has just popped back up?

I think I would say he should find another hobby or basically one where she isn't involved.

Just say you know they got too close, you aren't comfortable with it and it would make you incredibly unhappy.

I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster

FarHaveITravelled · 02/02/2015 20:23

Yes just a hobby.

As far as I know contact has been sporadic over the years and only at mandatory events. But they are due to go away again this summer and I just don't feel right about that at all.

A talk will be had.

OP posts:

newnamefor15 · 02/02/2015 22:20

Hello

You obviously dont want to put too much detail but from what you've said does the hobby involve wearing special clothes? If it's what I'm thinking of, I'll PM you a few thoughts.

Original poster

FarHaveITravelled · 03/02/2015 12:26

Special clothes? Yes!

OP posts:

newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 13:44

aha! I'll PM you. x

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 03/02/2015 13:45

Whaaaaat?
my mind is racing now!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2015 13:54

I was looking at your other threads, you mention he goes away a lot and His hobby often takes priority over family and I hate it.

I hate to say it but I think he's had rather too much fun with this hobby and now he'll be having a lot more.

newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 13:55

I've PM'd you to see if I'm right. If I am, then I'll send you over a few general thoughts on the hobby and what's normal for people to do/not do by PM, to avoid any 'outing' on the thread.

On the whole though, I think you need to finally resolve what happened 11 years ago. If he admits to anything, then I don't think it's unreasonable to say he cannot be involved with that particular group of people. This will be a blow to him, but there are alternatives and your marriage should be more important than even the strong friendships he will have there. If he doesn't admit to anything, I'm not too sure what your next course of action should be, sorry. If you believe him, then ok, just keep an eye out. If you don't believe him, that really is a can of worms.

Quitelikely · 03/02/2015 13:57

How did you guess that newname?

newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 14:05

Same hobby, sort of. :-)

ocelot7 · 03/02/2015 14:53

Can you not trust yr DH to have a friend who is a woman? Among the other friends he has made through his hobby...
Something may have happened 11 years ago when you were also in a bad place with PND - is it also possible that the mention of her name takes you back to that difficult time. But 11 years on he is still with you not her...
I guess it just dismays me when it is implied men & women cannot be friends and I would be offended to be told I couldn't have a friend of the other sex or for one to tell me they could no longer be my friend because their wife says they can't have friends who are women.
I assumed the hobby was sport but whatever it is - to ask someone to leave their group after so many years & start from scratch in a new one is a bit much.

Original poster

FarHaveITravelled · 03/02/2015 21:32

He has plenty of female friends that I have absolutely no issue with.

Where did I say I would ask him to leave his hobby and 'start from scratch in new one?'

OP posts:

BlueBrightBlue · 03/02/2015 21:58

Perhaps he secretly fancies her but I doubt very much is going on. Eleven years is a long time to have an affair with someone you seldom see.
May I ask if you are a jealous person by nature?
Have you ever met this woman?
He perhaps feels some kindred spirit with this woman but knows that it is not socially acceptable and has to cover his tracks as to not be accused of having an affair with her?

DontKillMyVibe · 03/02/2015 22:02

Do you know for definite if something actually happened between them 11 yrs ago?

BlueBrightBlue · 03/02/2015 22:16

Is he being cagey or evasive because he thinks you might jump to conclusions?
I've had to be like this with a few ex boyfriends. Nothing was "going on" I just had to be extra careful when mentioning other blokes for fear of retributions.

ocelot7 · 03/02/2015 22:49

OP it was the person who was going to PM you about the hobby who said there was another organisation(?) that did it: I was just responding to the thread as a whole... I must say 11 years is an awful long time to have something worrying you on any level but it also seems quite late to bring it up

newnamefor15 · 04/02/2015 07:01

OP has PMd me. I was wrong about the hobby, although thinking along the right overall lines and there are certain things in common.

The Ops husband's hobby is, I would guess, a far more controlled environment than the one I take part in and it's clear to me now that there would be less opportunity for 'shennanigans' than in the one I do.

OP - this is going to prey on your mind until you talk to your husband about it all. In the new context what you have said of the events of 11 years ago sound not nearly as suspicious.

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