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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told my mum I need to not see her. Stately Homes type handhold much appreciated...

17 replies

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 11:38

Have namechanged. I have not actually been a regular on SH threads, just lurked, though I have often posted about my dysfunctional family on other threads.

I've been on a long, long path towards NC with my mum (already am completely estranged from my abusive dad, they are long divorced). Today I've sent the message saying I don't want to be in touch for a while,. Even then I can't say for ever (I would love it to be for ever - but the fear, obligation and guilt is too much for me to manage that). I have siblings who have also done it this way, said it's temporary and they may get back in touch, and one of them eventually did, so I at least feel the path has been trodden before IYSWIM.

This isn't a thread about what went wrong or why it's so impossible for me, suffice to say after a certain family showdown a couple of years ago, my mental health has been pretty bad and I just don't have the strength to deal with her, even though I don't see her that often. I feel like I can't recover and deal with my dysfunctional family issues while also having to deal with her narcissistic/needy/critical/engulfing approach to me. I've realised that she will never get it, there's no point thinking I can get her to see how she upsets me, or to stop. DH (who is totally onside thank god) has even asked her to stop certain behaviours, in front of me, and she just argued back and told him she had every right to do it.

But, I know she will be massively hurt and upset, because she's not able to see herself as in the wrong at all. I've spent my life just soaking up the way she treats me and trying to please her, because of not wanting to upset her by being horrible back, and/or not wanting to deal with how nasty she gets if she's called on it. That instinct runs deep and I'm full of guilt, shame and fear.

If anyone has been there I would love to know I'm not alone. TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 11:45

Have namechanged. I have not actually been a regular on SH threads, just lurked, though I have often posted about my dysfunctional family on other threads.

If anyone has been there I would love to know I'm not alone. TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 11:46

Something seemed to go wrong and my OP didn't appear, so I have reposted it. Sorry if other people can see it twice!

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Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:01

Gah. Now I can see it twice.

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Aussiebean · 02/02/2015 12:11

You have don't the right thing. You are putting yourself and your family first, which is what a good mother should do.

I would be so sure about how hurt she will be. You are not the first sibling to do this, that didn't change her behaviour. An your dh has asked her to stop and she refused.

My bet is she will be angry at you because you are not allowing her to hurt you anymore.

Well done. You have started a hard road but well worth it.

Aussiebean · 02/02/2015 12:12

Wouldn't be so sure.

Sorry late at night here

Lottapianos · 02/02/2015 12:17

A humungous well done for putting yourself first and for realising that you do not have to put up with her endless crap any more. That is not an easy thing to do, but it sounds like the right thing for you at the moment. And that's where your focus needs to be - on you, and what you need. That's easier said than done of course, because she has brought you up to think of her first and to neglect yourself. Well you're starting to change that right now.

I would avoid all contact with her right now - ignore phonecalls and emails, don't open any letters/cards she sends. You need space and time, and not to have to listen to more poisonous nonsense from her. Refuse to engage with her. Take your time - you may decide to get back in touch, you may not. You have done her the courtesy of telling her that you would be backing off, I think you owe her absolutely nothing more. Concentrate on you now

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:17

Thanks so much Aussie.

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Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:19

And lotta thank you too.

Yes, I'm not going to deal with correspondence from her. I know from one of my siblings that it doesn't stop just because you ask! I will just put it away or filter through DH so he can tell me if anything important (like she's planning to turn up) and bin the rest.

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dollius · 02/02/2015 12:28

You could be me except it is my abusive mum I have cut out completely and my enabling, boundary-less father who like your mum feels he is perfectly entitled to say and do whatever he likes to me. Like you, my DH has also told him where to get off only to face a "how dare you address me in that fashion you young whipper snapper" style rant. The irony is breathtaking.

You are right they will not and cannot change. They believe they are entitled to behave the way they do and nothing, but nothing, will change their mind.

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:34

That is so right dollius - boundary-less. When she's in the room it's like I'm just an extension of her, and she can do anything to me. I can't bear her to touch me because I feel like I'm going to get swallowed up. She can tell I'm shrinking away but she just keeps trying to corner me. Even when she was trying to ask me what was wrong with me, she managed to throw in a massive, very hurtful insult (about my weight). It's impossible.

You're all making me feel better, thanks for all your replies.

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imjustahead · 02/02/2015 12:38

just a hug from me op.

Lottapianos · 02/02/2015 12:41

'I can't bear her to touch me because I feel like I'm going to get swallowed up. '

That's such a good description. Since I was about 10, I've hated hugging my mother but could never think clearly about why. Your description makes sense though. She used to beg me to hug her, and to sit next to her on the couch with my arm around her shoulder I just wanted to scream 'Leave me alone!!!'

dollius · 02/02/2015 12:45

Yes, my dad was completely obsessed with me as a child and cannot see that I am a separate person to him. He feels completely betrayed by my decision to cut contact. I remember him always intently staring at me when I was a child, teenager and young adult, all the time. He genuinely thinks he owns me and that I am completely unreasonable for not complying with all his demands, even, madly, his trying to bribe me to live with him and my DC and get rid of my DH. He then assaulted me as I tried to leave the room in disbelief as I was carrying my three year old DS in my arms.

He genuinely feels that he was in the right to do that. Looking back, I should have called the police, but I was still in the FOG at the time.

Nothing, but nothing, will convince him otherwise and many people have tried, not just me and DH.

This sort of relationship is so wrong and unhealthy on every level.

Do you live near her? It helps that I moved overseas with my DH and DC.

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:46

Thanks head a hug is much appreciated! (just not from my mum...)

Lotta, yes it's because she does really seem to think I am part of her, or just "another" her. It's hard enough to insist that I'm actually a separate person, even at arm's length. She gets very angry if I display a different taste from her, for example if I wear a colour she doesn't like she will bang on about how awful it is. When she touches me I feel so vulnerable and like I'll stop existing.

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Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 12:50

Dollius that sounds awful and I'm glad you've been able to take this step too.

It's such a giveaway that the suffocating "love" is replaced by nastiness the second you step out of line.

No, she lives quite a long way away and we have pretty much stopped visiting her anyway, but she visits us. Uninvited, just announces she's coming. I have DC and she is convinced she has a great relationship with them - she doesn't know the first thing about them, just wants them to adore her. I'm worried she will use that against me too.

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Lottapianos · 02/02/2015 12:52

dollius, how absolutely awful I'm so sorry for what you've been through but so glad that you don't have him in your life any more

Its seriously dark, messed up stuff this, eh? My parents are the same Orange - differences are absolutely not tolerated. Their way is right, and everyone else is weird, and quite scary to them. With my parents, I know they will never ever ever get it - never see me as a real person who is separate from them. I used to feel like I really didn't exist because they made me feel so invisible. I see a therapist and have done for several years now and apart from grieving for the relationship I thought I had with them, a lot of the work I have done has been rebuilding myself psychologically and finding out who I am, on my terms, not theirs. I like myself so very much more now they are not in my life much.

Original poster

OrangeOwlToday · 02/02/2015 13:00

I have to get on with some work so will haul myself off MN now for a bit! Thanks so much for your replies, which were exactly what I needed, just to feel sane and that someone knew where I was coming from.

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