Do I cut contact between kids and ex?

[Aloneandnowwhat]

Hi I've always had realy good advice from here so am hoping for some help again.
Split up from my children's father a year ago ( they are 3 and 1). They barely noticed him leaving. He was a nightmare after leaving, broke windows trying to get in, threatened suicide, was extremely verbally abusive and threatening towards me in front of the children.
I have tried and tried to maintain a relationship between them and recently things had improved, although I would still get abuse and arguing via text from him on maybe a once weekly basis.
He makes my life a misery, I feel sick when his name appears on a message. He smokes weed, has a dead end job, contributes zero to the children.
They currently see him twice a week, he cannot feed them and I send a packed lunch.
So today he's started another row, he was supposed to have them tomorrow while I'm at work but stared blackmailinge with not having them. So I called his bluff and have taken the day off.
My question relates to me wanting to move away, he can't drive so contact would probably be zero. I want to move to make a better life for me and the children, a fresh start, but I don't want them to hate me for removing the chance of a relationship with their father ( even though he's pretty shit at it).
Any advice would be massively appreciated.

If he got himself together in a few years and wanted contact again, would you be open to the idea?

If you did move away you will find yourself having to answer as to why by your dc when they're older.
How would you put it?

I think you should make your fresh start. It may even be the spur he needs to get his act together rather than this 'packed lunch parenting' business. I don't know how far away you're planning on moving but, if it's a better life without him dragging you all down, I don't think your children will judge you harshly in the future.

I guess that's what worries me - the kids questioning me when they're older.
It'll be about an hours drive away, 50 miles.
I wouldn't wNt to say that he used them to get at me, but I don't want to lie either. Maybe I'd say I tried for a year but he was unable to step up and be responsible, he was abisive and intimidating and despite many warnings wouldn't leave me in peace.
I truly believe he's not all that interested in the kids, but they are an effective way to control and harass me.

As he is an abusive prick, the less contact they have with him the better, really. It would probably be a good idea to compile what evidence you have of his abusive behaviour and keep it tucked away somewhere, so if they ask questions when they are older you can say, look, he couldn't behave properly so it was better for you not to see too much of him, some people are just not very good at being parents.

I did keep a log of his actions in the months after we split so I have that, plus acreenshots of his nasty messages.
It's a huge decision to make and intimately I want to do the right thing for my children. Is a shit father better than no father?

Ultimately - not intimately!

Hello OP. I just wanted to say that my Dad was not abusive but a difficult man to live with and not a great Father. My mum was honest (eg Dad spent lots of money and we couldn't afford to live properly and we couldn't stay married) but never bitched about him. She never stopped us from seeing him either but when she moved away he was not able to see us often and as we got older we didn't want to. We have never blamed my mum for lack of contact with dad and always understood that our lives were much happier because of the choices she made. If anything she probably saved our relationship with our Dad because although we weren't close, there was no acrimony

Just thought I'd give you a positive point of view

I'm in the camp that no dad is better than a crap one.

Based on how you've described him, it won't be any loss to the kids if you move away from him. I'm desperately wishing my ex would just get lost.

He also doesn't show a genuine interest in the kids (got it all documented) but like your ex - uses them as a way to control and harass me too. I can't wait to serve him the divorce papers. In his deluded little world, he somehow still believes he's got a shot of us getting back together. Once I blow that to smithereens I'm counting on his past behaviour (for him to dig himself a little hole and go no contact) and if I'm lucky HE will be the one to move away and leave us alone.

Do what's best for you and the children (and I do believe that involves removing them from a bad influence, even if that influence is their sperm donor - which is really all he is if he's a selfish twat who just uses the children rather than parents them properly).

Before you do move away, i understand that it is really important to document and report to police every single incident of abuse/violence etc, just in case he decides to take you to court for unsupervised contact in the future.
I agree with everyone who says that a fresh start away from him would be better for all of you.

I too think you need to move away. The fresh start will be brilliant for you and that will pay off long term. Analysed, the fact that you have to send sandwiches when the DCS go to see him is so messed up! Make an accurate log of all that has occurred and move. Getting his poor role model ways out of their lives would be my main goal Alone . Don't hold your breath expecting this to be the push he needs to sort himself out. This will be further fodder for his 'poor me' attitude (be prepared for that) and the cannabis use will partly see to that also. When he doesn't burn off one calorie in the effort to see his DCs, you will know you have done the right thing. Good luck.

Also, he can buy weed but not sandwiches for his own kids? Dump, block, move. ASAP.

His drug use is officially on record as he gave himself a seizure through using cocaine - I was pregnant at the time with our second dc I was unaware of what he'd taken, doctors thought he had meningitis or God knows what then it all came out that he'd been taking cocaine.
He had his driving license removed and has since failed a drugs test in order to get it back.
The aggression is also partially documented officially as the police were called on a few occasions, when he broke the living room window for example. He was also warned for harassing me by the police. The health visitor also knows some of the situation.
Yes, I think I know it's the right thing to do. It's a big step but I don't think he's even an average role model! He's supposed to have them today but after pretending to be in hospital last night in order to force me to answer him I've made alternative arrangements for the kids - I'm expecting trouble today.

Even if you don't move I'd stop any initiation of contact, make drop offs at a neutral place/with a friend, don't ask for favours and don't converse with him. Start to separate yourself, he might lose interest in the kids if he loses contact with you?

Minimise their contact too. If he can't provide lunch tell him contact ends at lunch?

50 miles is not a huge distance. It's not as if you're spiriting your children out of the country. Even if he's not fit to drive, theee's still public transport. If he was more supportive and a better human being you probably wouldn't be considering a fresh start in the first place. Good luck with the relocation.