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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separating in same house?

16 replies

lostintheduvet · 01/02/2015 22:07

I need to separate from my husband (posted before about the crappy details of my crap life.)

However, I have debt ( not a lot, about £2000 thanks to him) no job, and am disabled at the moment - I have kidney issues which make me very, very tired.

Has anyone separated while living in the same house, before? I don't want to - he is very unpleasant to live with and will not change - but firstly, I have nowhere else I can realistically go at present and I am not really well enough for an upheaval. I would appreciate any experiences people could share, or if anyone knows if a single woman of 36 would be able to receive any local authority help with housing. I don't know about any of this and feel quite helpless.

I know it would make sense just to put up with him, right now, but I really can't any more. He says horrible things to me and watches me do all the housework even when I am sick, and I just want to be away from him :(

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 01/02/2015 23:04

That sound awful lost - can you tell us is the home mortgaged or rented and which name or names is it in?

Original poster

lostintheduvet · 01/02/2015 23:16

It's rented, in both our names. He refuses to discuss getting two smaller places, or the relationship, and just tells me to 'get out' if I don't like it, which obviously he knows I can't for various reasons. He won't leave, either, not even for a night.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 09:49

If you're being subjected to ill treatment, I don't think you should plan to stay in that environment. It may be an upheaval to move to somewhere new but, with assistance, it at least means an end to your suffering. I think you should get in touch with CAB, the local Housing Authority, your medical team, possibly a solicitor and find out what the options are. As a vulnerable adult in a relationship that has broken down I am sure others will want to help.

Do you have any friends or family that could support you?

Original poster

lostintheduvet · 02/02/2015 14:46

Unfortunately he has made it very difficult for me to sustain any friendships. He is unwelcoming to my grown up children and my family when they have been over to our house. Not nasty as such, but will be very passive aggressive, and disinterested. He was ok to start with, but now he doesn't even bother to say goodbye to them.

He tells me he loves our dog more than he loves me. Last night he hit my wrist with a hairbrush while I was sitting on the sofa, so today I can barely type. If I ask him to purchase some food, he asks me for money ( he earns more than 40k a year) but he is never short when he wants cigarettes or to get taxis places he could walk or take the bus.

My mother will not help me leave my husband for religious reasons. I am also religious but I have tried very hard and I don't feel like I can be a productive member of society when I am constantly stressed.

OP posts:

happywanderingwithdog · 02/02/2015 17:46

I haven't got much practical advice but I do really think you need to get out as soon as possible. He is being very abusive towards you. As recommended above, ring CAB asap. Could you move in with one of your kids in the short term?

He sounds like a grade A prick and really doesn't deserve you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 18:42

Bring hit with a hairbrush hard enough to cause injury is assault. You could call the police right this minute, report the violenve and it would be taken very seriously indeed. You're describing financial abuse as well. It's very bad and you need urgent help

I'd like you to call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 as soon as possible. You may have to keep trying as they are often busy but please persevere.

MixenLane · 02/02/2015 18:46

When I decided I wanted a divorce, exH and I continued to live under the same roof for about 6 months.
It was the worst 6 months of my life, and I wasn't subjected to any of the abuse that youv'e described.
I really don't recommend it, and in your situation I'd get out asap.

gildedcage · 02/02/2015 18:47

How old are your children? If my mother was going through this I would hope she would tell me and allow me to help her. Do your children know what you're going through?

Original poster

lostintheduvet · 10/02/2015 00:32

Hello, all and thanks for your input.

I don't want to tell my kids. They saw me split from their father and I am afraid of having to tell them it has happened again. They are University aged, though, and in accommodation there, so I couldn't move in with them.

This weekend, as usual, he hung around the house all the time despite my asking him to go out. The last straw was when he fed his dog but not 'my' dogs while I was in bed feeling ill. Not so much as a cup of tea or a bit of toast for me, either, but I was very sad for my pets. I got up and fed them as soon as I realised he hadn't bothered. Next time I won't sleep or will have to set an alarm. It just made me realise how much this is no kind of partnership. This is a joke.

I haven't told anybody else what is going on, but today I contacted the social housing. I explained the situation but I don't know if they will house me anywhere. I hope so. He is going away for a month at the end of the week so at least I have some time to plan.

I still hope he will 'see the light'. I feel so sad this has happened and have no idea why. I told him I wanted to go tonight and he started saying how that's 'not what he wants', but as soon as I sat down and tried to talk seriously to him, he wouldn't listen to me. He just began to get aggressive when I asked him why he has spent the relationship lying to me and what he thought it would do to our marriage.

He says he will book counselling when he gets back but honestly I can't see it helping. I honestly wish it would but I think it is false hope because he just does not see anything beyond himself. For example, after the 'I do love you' speech, he helped himself to the last of my milk (special milk for me because allergies, plenty of normal stuff in fridge) and let me finish all the cleaning up after 'his' dog.

I am very afraid of the future.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 10/02/2015 00:50

He wont book counselling. He thinks telling you he will is enough to appease you.

Id so everything possible to move out while he is away. And ake your pets. If he wont feed them out of spite when youre there, what will he so if youre not.

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 00:54

I'm guessing you got married very young, if your children are at university and you are only 36 .

is there no one else in your family or community who will support you in leaving a bad marriage ?

Original poster

lostintheduvet · 10/02/2015 01:08

I did start young, Kristina. I was 17.

The weird thing is, he claims he didn't not feed them 'out of spite'. He claims he 'didn't know' he was supposed to feed them, despite the past three days I asked him to do it if I was sleeping because I am bad at the moment. This is what makes me completely confused and messed up. He doesn't say it nastily, he says it as if it was totally reasonable to not feed them. Even though I know it is not when I think about it properly, because I would never do that. At the weekends, I get up, feed the pets, cook his breakfast and then sort myself out. I would never just get something for me and sit on the sofa oblivious to everyone else's needs.

I can't honestly quite believe someone would do that. It really is total disbelief. Like I must be asking too much, or something.

Nonetheless, I would never leave without them. I adore my pets. I am still here because of them. If it was not for them, I would have gone off and slept in a tent or something, rather than be around him.

OP posts:

MokunMokun · 10/02/2015 01:25

I really hope you can find somewhere to move to. I'm sure your children will help you. You'll probably be surprised how happy they would be for you to leave this man. You will no doubt be a lot happier too.

I don't see divorce as a failure but rather of a woman's strength.

Rebecca2014 · 10/02/2015 06:10

I was in your situation and it is very unlikely the council will house you. It is either a refuge or getting someway to get him to leave. My ex left in the end.

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 08:17

Lost -where do your children live during university holidays ? Do they live with their father ? I assume he is supporting them financially through university as you don't work. Or is their step father supprting them ?

You have done well to get two children to university given your difficult circumstances .

Did you family suport you through the breakdown of your first marriage ? If so, why do you think they won't do it this time ?

CoGito suggested a number of places you could go for help -have you contacted any of them yet ?

shovetheholly · 10/02/2015 08:28

I have separated in the same house and I am afraid to say that it was unendurable. You simply don't leave the problems of the relationship behind and 'move on' - it's like being stuck in the final stage of a messy divorce permanently. I really, really don't recommend it.

OP, I understand that you are absolutely knackered and despairing right now. But I'm afraid you have to make a huge effort here and start investigating your options. Please trust me when I say that you will start to feel better once you've started researching this and assembling a plan. I feel awful saying this because you should be in a lovely warm bed, resting and being spoiled, but I'm afraid you need to pick up that phone and start dialling your council/local housing authorities to find out what solutions they might be able to offer. I get the impression that it is very different from one place to another, so it's worth a try.

If you can't find alternative housing, then you need to figure out how to get your DP to leave - whose name is your house in? What legal options do you have? Can your Church or religious organisation lend a hand?

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