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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending relationship with father of my child and can't get over the guilt

23 replies

Bewilderedme · 01/02/2015 21:58

I tried but eventually I had to end my relationship with my sons father after 3 years together. I had never fancied him or had any romantic attraction and although I hoped I could change my feelings they never did change. I knew it would be wrong for me to stay with him for the sake of our son and I could never be happy with him even though he wasn't a bad guy at all.
He is absolutely heartbroken and has suddenly turned from the loveliest guy ever to an angry, bitter and difficult man.

I feel so terribly guilty as I know it was me leaving him that has made him like this. He was so happy and thought he had the perfect family. His whole world has come crashing down.

I'm aware many women on here have the opposite scenario and been left by their partners so I'm not accepting sympathy. However, I just need some advice on how to stop feeling guilty and awful. I actually feel truly dreadful. Who knew ending a relationship would make you feel this bad? Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated.

If a man left his wife and kids he would be called all sorts so I wonder if that makes me a bad mother :-(

We've been split up only a few weeks so maybe things will improve.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 01/02/2015 22:03

I think feeling bad because you have made someone else suffer shows that you are a decent human being.

Your ex is hurting right now and that why I think he is being nasty to you. His anger will subside.

You have done the right thing by ending it.

Quitelikely · 01/02/2015 22:03

*is

RaisingMen · 01/02/2015 22:05

You have no reason to feel guilty - while it hurts now, you have set this man free and he will eventually find a woman who can love him as much as he loves her. You are doing him a favour in the long term, it would be cruel to stay with him out of pity and he'll realise that eventually.

Well done for having the strength to do the right thing and end a relationship that wasn't right for you.

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 01/02/2015 22:08

Thanks for the replies. I do also feel guilt that my son won't grow up in th same house as his dad. My oarents have been married 30 years and I do feel sad my son won't have the same

OP posts:

SoHHKB · 01/02/2015 22:09

I left. It was awful. I felt awful.
That was 4 years ago now and we're both in far better places.
Give yourself time

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 22:43

I think you're bound to feel guilty for quite some time and all you can reasonably do is be as decent and cooperative about the split as possible. What puzzles me however is why, if you never found him attractive etc, you got with him in the first place?

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 02/02/2015 08:14

He asked me on a date when we both worked together. At the time I was very lonely as had moved away from the hometown I loved to a big city to start work for a small company.
I liked the idea of having a boyfriend and that company and he was a nice guy. I hoped that the attraction would come after a few dates. He is considered really good looking but not for me. I never found him attractive and I'm amazed it took so long for me to end things.

But I fell pregnant after just under a year together and stayed because of that
Was all daft really. But I've learnt my lesson and I know there needs to be attraction for it to work in future

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 08:24

There also needs to be honesty. Staying with someone in the hope you'll develop feelings for them is pretty dishonest. Being on the receiving end of the 'I've never really loved you' speech is particularly crushing because it means the whole thing was based on deception. If you want to reconcile your feelings of guilt, one approach is to resolve to be more honest with yourself and others in future.

Rebecca2014 · 02/02/2015 08:27

Right so you stayed with a guy for a year,
had sex with him and got pregnant yet decided there is no attraction? Wow, poor guy.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 02/02/2015 09:13

Of course he will be bitter and angry, it's a crappy thing to do. He loses seeing his son every day and will have to contend with whatever scraps of access you allow him.

You should have been honest form the start, that's some deception. Poor man.

Sickoffrozen · 02/02/2015 09:42

I would imagine he is experiencing fears of losing his child more than anything. That is one way you can make things better. Also perhaps leave dating for a while until he gets used to the change in circumstances.

getthefeckouttahere · 02/02/2015 10:28

Time time time.

Mum4Fergus · 02/02/2015 10:39

I can totally empathise. I have DS who is now 5 - I asked his DF to leave in April last year. It's been up and down to say the least, but overall we're all in a better place. Give yourself, and him, time.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2015 10:44

I don't know why you had a child to a man you didn't love or were even attracted to. I'm not in the least bit suprised he is bitter and angry. Who wouldn't be.

DidThatSeriouslyJustHappen · 02/02/2015 13:18

Oh I get this completely. I would tell you not to feel guilty, but then I'd be a massive hypocrite.

It's been almost 3 years now since I broke up with my ex and yes, it has got easier. Mainly because we're both with new people, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I will never 100% forgive myself. I feel like I've broken up my family, but then I have to snap myself out of it and remember that I left for a reason. I didn't love him in that way and I don't think I ever did. What would I be teaching my dd about love, life and values if I continued to live such a lie? I will always love him. He's the father of my child and we basically grew up together, but when it's time to go, it's time to go. For me it was when I noticed just how much I was thinking about how I could leave when my dd was 18.....I'd still be quite young at 40, but the idea of having to wait another 12 years was just unbearable and so what was I waiting for?...I was scared. It has been tough and as I say, the guilt still rears it's ugly head from time to time, but I know I did the right thing and so have you. Best of luck OP

DidThatSeriouslyJustHappen · 02/02/2015 13:25

Viv, that's really not helpful. I feel for OP's ex, I really do, but at the same time, I suspect that OP felt trapped and couldn't see a way out and so felt obliged to play happy families. I don't know the OP's situation completely, but regarding having a child with a man you don't love, all I can say is, contraception isn't always effective! This is what happened with me and I was desperate to create a happy family. Was that wrong? Yes. Am I perfect? No. Is anyone?........I don't think so.

Original poster

Bewilderedme · 02/02/2015 18:13

Thanks for the teplies. Of course I know I shouldn't have stayed with him and should never have started a relationship in the first place. Its stating he obvious to say it was wrong. We all know it was. I made a mistake but I have learnt from that and that is not an issue to me. I believed I could change my feelings and I know I'm not the only person to have felt that way. I certainly don't think for a split second that I'm a bad person and never will.
I of course feel sorry for my ex. But he does know he will always have access to his son and he has seen him a lot since the split.

You can't help how u feel and there was no way I could have stayed with him since I didn't love him.

My guilt is related to the fact he feels so bad at the moment. I hate seeing him in distress although I know I can never take him back. I just want him to feel better as I do love him as a person.

Essentially I feel free though. And so much happier. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But there'a still the guilt.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2015 18:25

You're going to have to accept that he's hurt and will probably stay hurt for a long time. No real way to avoid thst. If being around each other is distressing or awkward then organise things so that you spend as little time together as possible. You get on with your life, let him get on with his, and keep any contact brief. Be cooperative and civil but resist the temptation to over compensate.

balia · 02/02/2015 18:27

It could have been a lot worse - at least you are in a place where you can deal with him truthfully now (and I don't mean telling him you never loved him, obviously) but in your future dealings with him. Put your energies into creating a fair, amicable relationship for your son - he's a nice guy, he will come round.

Isetan · 03/02/2015 04:26

After reading your last post I'dont think you do get it. Your so called guilt appears not to be your dishonesty towards this man but the discomfort of watching the fallout.

Hmm, I wonder if the caralyst for your sudden honesty is dick shaped.

NerrSnerr · 03/02/2015 05:00

The only way to make this better is make it as easy as possible for him. Be flexible with contact for your son and don't make him into a bad guy.

If a women posted saying her partner had left in similar circumstances everyone would be suggesting there was another woman.....

Rebecca2014 · 03/02/2015 06:46

I still do not get how you could be in a relationship with a man for 3 years, have sex with him multiple times yet there is no attraction?

Your last post was very defensive. I say your ex is well rid of you and he will realize then when he gets a new partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2015 09:01

"everyone would be suggesting there was another woman"

If it was the jilted partner posting the story about being given the 'I've never really loved you' speech and casting around for answers that would be the speculation. But it's the 'dumper' rather than the 'dumpee' that is posting here, looking for absolution (?) and they don't mention that anyone else is involved.

Let's not dumb this down to 'MN is always on the woman's side'...

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