So upset by this

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

I have cancer - diagnosed almost a year ago, and been through pretty much hell since. Part of my treatment has caused me to go through early menopause. I don't know whether that's purely the cause or it's because I've also been sick and exhausted but I've just got pretty much no interest in sex. I still do have sex sometimes as I realise it upsets my dh to think that I don't want to, bug I've also tried to explain to him that my libido is virtually zero, and my body confidence has also pretty much disappeared (I've had a double mastectomy and still have a seroma which I need periodically drained). Anyway, none of this seems to stop him trying maybe once/twice a week. Sometimes I do (even though I don't really feel like it), other times I tell him I'm tired/sore etc.

Well, last night, he tried. I said I didn't feel like it, just wanted a cuddle (which he doesn't really enjoy as he says it turns him on too much then leaves him feeling frustrated, which I understand). Anyway, we just cuddled then fell asleep. Fast forward to this morning and he says to me "what were you dreaming about last night?" I said I didn't know (I didn't), and he said, yeah well you sounded like you were having sex! I was really shocked as don't remember having any sexy dreams or anything. Anyway, he then said he felt really disappointed as I'd "knocked him back", then had sex in my dream!? Surely I can't help what I dreamed about? I'm feeling so upset about this this morning and keep crying (I'm in a different time zone btw). He's gone to work now and I'm trying to hide it from the four kids, and I also have a pre chemo appointment. I just don't know what to think/say. Is he right to be upset? I'm feeling really confused and upset. Sorry for the long post and any typos.

Oh you poor thing. I don't know what to say, other than you are both going through a really tough time, but I'm sad for you that you are feeling pressured to have sex. Do you have a MacMillan nurse who you can chat to about how other couples adjust to a change in libidos?

No he is not right to be upset. I actually feel upset for you reading that.

Has he got any redeeming features because he sounds like a complete dick to me.

He should be putting zero pressure on you and be supporting you.

I hope everything goes well

you could have been dreaming of eating. chocolate eclairs and therefore making appropriate noises. this sex stuff really is all about him isnt it? i take my hat off to you for having sex twice a week, with all you are going thru. you know you have to talk to him and be honest. this stress is bad for your health. let him sort himself out for a while so you can focus on sleep.

Sickoffrozen I love your protective streak, WTF does deserve support and love but her DH is allowed to freak out a bit too, it's a scary time and needing to feel not alone is, well an unlimited emotion.

WTF, you are, as you know, the most important person in the world right now because that's what your treatment needs you to be. And your OH will probably be spending all day worrying about this too and when you see eachother tonight you'll work it out. He needs to up his game on cuddling though, really he does - and if he's that good at reading what people are dreaming about there a a number of government agencies that would bite their own arms off for his talents tell him. I wish you every good thing.

Of course you don't feel like having sex, you are ill. Physically and emotionally battered and you need to be supported, not to be pressured into sex.

He is being a selfish prick, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is being a prick.

How dare he make you feel worse? He should be making things better

I feel really sorry for both of you. I am sure neither of you likes this situation. I am sure you would love your libido back and DH would like to be intimate with you as he is probably shit scared and wants to be close. I was on the other side of the fence last year. Dh had to take some medication following cancer op. It destroyed his libido and gave him ed. I didn't push it, but I am only human and after no sex for a year was getting desperate, I made some advances, all of which were rejected. I can't tell you how that feels from someone you love with all your heart, with whom intimacy has been very important. It makes you feel like shit, unfanciable, and pretty worthless. My only advice is talk about it, be open and hopefully you can persuade him it really isn't him...

He's honestly not a prick about anything else at all - he has been supportive from the start, he's stepped up with the house, had to become mum and dad while I've spent weeks in hospital with septicaemia and all sorts of other complications, not to mention five surgeries in the last 10mths. But on the subject of sex it's like he's a different person. He asked me to tell him how I felt and said he'd accommodate that as much as he possibly could, but he just seems to think somehow that if he keeps trying I'll suddenly feel up for it. I can cope with that, but just this dream thing this morning has really thrown and upset me. Ffs, I'd turn max Beasley down just now - I've explained to him as gently as I can that it's not him, it's most definitely me. I thought he understood.

if he keeps initiating and you keep turning him down he will gradually lose his confidence. the few times you 'give in' are causing you stress whether you realise it or not. how about you two agreeing that he stops initiating and that you two will only have sex when u initiate it? it maybe only once a month but it makes you in control and stops him feeling like a sex pest. maybe get across that it wont always be like this.

Sorry you're going through so much at the moment, and no wonder you're feeling fragile and emotional.

You are offering him intimacy and closeness (cuddling) but he only wants his orgasam - and he's said he'll try and accommodate your illness, your fight, your complete lack of libido - wow, just wow - I'm really hoping that reads far worse than his intent, because if not, he's not coming across as a really nice person.
Has he always been like this about sex, because if not, his only saving grace may be that he is being like this now as a really cack handed way of letting you know he still really, really fancies you.

I do agree with PP tho that a solution is you'll let him know when your up for it, and until then he needs to back right off.

Oh and no, he doesn't get to tell you what you dreamed about - how could he possibly know! And even if you remembered have a sexy dream he doesn't get to punish you for that!

I spoke to him about the dream thing snd he was really sheepish and said that as soon as he'd said it hr realised he shouldn't. I told him that it had embarrassed and upset me and he understood. I've not got round to approaching the rest of the while sex stuff. I just don't have the emotional energy. I think I might be a bit depressed just now. I have been in the past, but I thought I'd avoided at least that right now.

It's good that you've spoken to him, I'm sure you really didn't want to. So, he was sheepish and realised as soon as he said what he did that he was being a dick unreasonable - but he didn't think to apologise to you? Is that usual? And has he actually apologised now?

Have you got anyone in RL to support you, who is totally on your side and not an added burden? You are going through so much, it's not surprising you're stressed, and yep very likely depressed.

It really shouldn't be you emotionally supporting your DH, but you know this already don't you

No, he hasn't really apologised. But that's not new. Apologies are a big bone of contention in this house. He will apologise if prompted but then can't understand why I don't see that as much of a valid apology at all.

I don't have anyone near me, no family. A few friends but they are all fairly new and these things aren't the easiest to discuss with them. Tbh, I think a year down the line, my cancer is becoming more of an annoyance to people than the devastating blow it was when it was new, iykwim.

If he's not helping you, he's hindering you. You don't have the reserves at the moment to tackle him, his poor boundaries, his twatishness, cos I'm guessing there's a lot more wrong with your relationship than the sex, boorish behaviour and inability to say sorry.

I'm sure your cancer is not an annoyance to anyone it may well be that people don't know how to talk to you about it. It's one of those subjects, like bereavement, that most people just don't know how to approach. Maybe reach out to one of your friends, say you need help. Not just with your cancer or relationship, just a friend to talk to, go out with maybe. I think you'll be surprised at how much people will want to help.

Have you looked into support groups in your area?
Have you looked at the other support threads here on MumsNet (cancer and menopause)?
Would you talk to your doctor about depression?
Is your HRT right for you?

Park your issues with H for now, get some more support for you and when you feel stronger, you'll feel much more able to make decisions.

Hope you're sleeping well

I get your libido is down, but do you find when you are actually having sex, its more fun?

i'm quite low on the sex drive front, but feel this sometimes

also - remember sex releases endorphins and makes you feel closer to your partner

(but when you are ready of course - try to be kind to yourself xxx)