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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I just let this new BF go? Or do I support him more?

12 replies

Mumfun · 01/02/2015 20:36

Long term marriage broke up 5 years ago. Two years ago started online dating. Dated lovely guy for 9 months who I came to realise I didnt want to stay with long term. Then took a break. Then met another guy and started dating him. Lots in common and really got each other. Within 4 dates he knew more about me than a lot of long term friends. Unusually sweet, sensitive, sorted and entertaining.

Dated him for 2 months. Then a series of crises befell him. And he became more distant. Very upset about a number of these issues including work, his health, parents, close friend leaving country for good. Work especially awful and huge hours. Couldnt meet up recently due to demands of work. He used to love the job and now would love to get out but cant.

More and more distant. Stopped inititating contact but will always reply if I contact him.

And Im realistic. Ive done the me work in the past. I dont want to try to pull someone back into a relationship who doesnt want to be with me. So do I just move on now? But I know its likely hes doing nothing but work, not socialising and actually in a state. And the work pressure is seasonal and will stop end of February, beginning March and he should feel better.

I have dated a few men after marriage and feel hes special. So do I keep making the contact and be supportive. Or do I get out now? Hes not making any effort to see me or initiate contact. But he is likely working every night often some days too in tiring physical work.

OP posts:
talbotinthesky · 01/02/2015 20:42

I'd say the ball's in his court. I'd not contact him and see how long he takes to bother with you. If you're single when he decides he can make time for you then fine, but sod chasing anyone.

Lovingfreedom · 01/02/2015 20:44

Doesn't sound like he's very interested at the moment. I'd leave him to sort his life out.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 01/02/2015 20:46

It seems he doesn't want to make the time, or have the energy or inclination to be in a relationship with you. In fact he's pretty much ended it without actually telling you its over.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 01/02/2015 21:02

If he's not making any effort to to see you or initiate contact then it is over.

Don't chase. It is undignified.

Aussiebean · 01/02/2015 21:07

Let him go.

whatsoccurring50 · 01/02/2015 22:03

Mumfun exactly the same thing happened to me. Met someone online after being on my own for 5 yrs and we dated for 9 months. He had lots of work and health issues and I supported him then 2 weeks ago he called and in the conversation said something along the lines of "sometimes you are cold and clammy so I think you are dead".

Now I didn't find this the slightest bit funny as the early menopause was brought on by chemo treatment hence the nightly hot flushes - something he knew as I had previously told him it embarrassed me. So he then said it was a joke and I was too sensitive and as I had nothing to say in response he would end the conversation.

I've heard nothing since - I haven't attempted to contact him as I didn't do anything wrong. To be honest I'm not upset, he drained me with all his work shit. So today I rejoined the dating site as life's too short to wait around for someone to make up their mind so onwards and upwards!

Mumfun · 01/02/2015 22:09

Sorry that happened but good for you whatsoccurring - too right! Life is too short.

Its sad as he is lovely.

But I am so not chasing - Ahatahat. Did that in my marriage as I was trying to make it work. But never again. Onward upward :)

OP posts:
holdyourown · 01/02/2015 22:16

mumfun I would just drop it as others have said and see if he ups his game. Some very busy people still find and make time for relationships. If he's the one for you some distance will make him see what he's standing to lose. I'd start to be a bit more open to dating others, focus on you and your own interests and family life if you have dcs Flowers

holdyourown · 01/02/2015 22:17

whatsoccuring your bloke was an arsehole to say that. Glad you're moving on

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 01/02/2015 22:48

It really rather sounds like he's making excuses but is too cowardly to tell you directly, or is even 'too busy' with another person, but wants to keep you on the sidelines, just in case.

Mumfun · 02/02/2015 12:13

The MN jury is always right. My instinct kicked in today and I checked the dating website we met. Hes on there and active today.

All the behaviour now makes sense and I can move on now. Thank goodness this happened now and not after several years.

OP posts:
holdyourown · 02/02/2015 12:47

Cake oh OP that's hard for you. Not the right man but he could've had more guts. Who wants a cowardly man I guess. You did the right thing and you have good instincts. My guess is he'll be back around once you start ignoring him. His loss.

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