can someone talk some sense into me please

[soontobesolo]

Hi all,
posting under a different name albeit one I have used previously in case STBXP knows my usual name. Just having a massive wobble about our impending split although I keep telling myself I am really lucky in my circumstances compared to many.

Basically we haven't been getting on well for ages: STBX has been really distant, deliberately starting arguments and talking about moving out but he has suffered from depression previously and talked about moving out then too so I thought it might be depression again. In fact I think I posted about his moving out around 18 months ago but then we started getting on better after his depression counselling so all the plans fizzled out.

Prior to Christmas I found out that he has been seeing someone else for at least 6 months so managed to hold it together for the DC over Christmas but then told him I knew. Of course we have had all the crap about this relationship wasn't working so he hasn't done anything wrong etc but he should move out in the next couple of weeks hopefully. The DC know we're not getting on but are quite self-absorbed teenagers so haven't picked up it's anything more.

He has a previous history of infidelity including paying for sex so I really don't know why I feel so sad it's over, I keep telling myself I should have done it long ago. And the DC are old enough to leave at home alone of a night so I can go out and move on with my life (not that I want another P for a long time if ever). STBX at the moment anyhow isn't making a fuss about letting me and the DC stay living here until they are 18, we can afford the bills etc so really not too much upheaval for us compared to many. I just thought I had been coping with it all really well but suddenly feel so sad, especially for the DC. Feel quite lonely too as all my family live quite a way away and all of my local friends have DC who are friends with my DC so can't tell them just yet in case it gets back to the DC. So I have lots of long distance support but no one who is physically nearby.

Please can you lovely mumsnetters talk some sense into me and help me get over my wobble!

You are totally doing the right thing. Seeing someone else, and he has form and thinks he's done nothing wrong!! You will be so much better off without him.
The life you can see for yourself will happen.

Stay strong and brave and you will come out on top. xx

He's shagging someone else and is not averse to paying for sex ?

what was the question again ?

Sales training courses sometimes talk about a concept called 'Buyer's Remorse'. It's that feeling of 'OMG what have I done??!!' that sometimes follows a big ticket purchase. The bigger the purchase, the more likely the customer is to have a post sale wobble and they can even end up cancelling the order all together. The smart salesperson anticipates Buyer's Remorse and contacts the customer reassuring them they've done the right thing. :)

Which is a very long way of saying that you're making a momentous life changing decision that will have profound effects on several people & there are bound to be a few doubts. You know you're doing the right thing. Have faith in yourself and good luck

Thanks all, I know he's really not a catch for the OW but it's just the end of such a long period of my life, over 20 years. Even although it really ended years ago in the sense of being a positive relationship. It's difficult him still being here and the DC not knowing and having to pretend everything is fine to my local friends.

He's one of those people who everybody thinks is so lovely because he's so thoughtful to people he barely knows, very outgoing and great social skills, but can be vile to those he's close to and I think has a lot of anger underneath. He never apologises over anything meaningful, even when I found out he'd visited prostitutes (after he gave me an STD, which he initially tried to blame on his friend who had been staying with us sharing towels), he tried to turn that back onto me saying I had been cold to him.

God it's therapeutic to write it all down, I really am well rid aren't I!

yup

yes wishing you all the best!

Towels? TOWELS?!!
How can you look at him without bursting out laughing at what a complete arse he is?!

You know, so many threads like yours are the pre-decision stage. And I read them and feel so sad for the OP. (I've a prostitute shagging XH too)

But I read yours and just felt excited for you! You are > < this close to jettisoning this loser. That's great! Yes, it's a big thing... but you are going to wake up feeling SO much lighter, v v soon. Not long til that useless sack of shit is GONE.

And he can take his bloody disease ridden "towels" with him!!!!

Remember , when one door closes...........

Thank you all, you are making me feel much better. I think it's just that externally STBX is seen as such a pillar of the community, the type that is involved in loads of voluntary projects, committees etc and everyone says what a great guy he is. Even my family thought so as I haven't told them any of this sordid history until now. I just need some affirmation that actually he really is an arse and it's not just in my mind.

You know him best. They don't know the real him....only what he presents to them.

he is an arse. try to view this as a new chapter in your life. i bet you compromised a lot of your personal happiness because of him. now is your time. try to visualise your new life, new home, new job, maybe a new man one day. eating what you like, taking up a hobby, a new hairstyle etc. welcome to your new life - embrace it.

Yes I know, I really would like to tell some of the people who know us both the truth because the opinion others have of him (apart from those closest to him) is so so important to him. But at the moment he is being quite reasonable saying he will pay the CSA amount plus a contribution to school and extracurricular expenses and saying he will stay away from the (jointly owned) house and let us get on with our lives, maybe for the sake of the DC it's better not to rile him.

I feel quite apprehensive because I have spent the last 20 years running round first after him and then the DC as well and done nothing solely for myself. My life at work is separate but as some PP have said, I have compromised my own desires to the extent that I am really left wondering who I am and what I want. Now the DC are increasingly independent it genuinely is a new chapter of my life, I just have to convince myself this is a good thing!

Just an update, told the DC this week as we thought being half term might be a better time for them to receive the news and had one horrid day with lots of tears but my God kids are resilient. They almost seem back to normal now, obviously they don't want to dwell on it or talk about it much and I know there will be more tears when XP actually moves out but they are taking it so much better than I expected. DC2 who is the one I thought would be the more badly affected said that after all no one has died, he still has us both and he thinks he will get used to being like his friend X (whose parents have been separated for years).

My worst day this week was the day that they were told and both of them were sitting there silently crying, I felt that I hated XP for putting us through this and not being a decent partner/father who was committed to his family. After maybe slightly too much wine I sent a text to the wife of one of his best friends who XP had told me had never liked me (the friend not necessarily the wife) saying that I would probably not be seeing them again as I realised they were his friends but to give my side of the story, he wasn't the paragon of virtue he seemed in public and had put me though a lot of private misery. Anyway tonight I got such a lovely supportive text back from her saying that they were my friends too and hoped we didn't lose touch. So I am feeling a lot better and am meeting up with a local Mum friend tomorrow who I have been able to share my story with now that everything is out in the open and I don't have to worry about her DC overhearing our conversation.

Thanks everyone for your support at the start of the month, I realise there will be more wobbles ahead but tonight at least I feel surprisingly happy!

Good. After it all comes out, you'll probably find that he's not as well thought of as you think he is. People usually have their suspicions.
Be watchful of the kids, they will be trying to process all of this under the surface. If the relationship has been bad for a while though, they might well have been aware and have been waiting for the confirmation. My parents split when I was about 16,after practically being at war for 2 years. I wish they had split much sooner.

Thanks Random yes DC1 has been aware for a while and has also had quite a stormy relationship with XP for several years, the ironic thing is that about 1-2 years ago DC1 was begging XP to talk and improve the relationship and XP was saying, not until your behaviour improves. Now XP is bending over backwards to listen to DC1 but DC1 says it's too late and once they have left home they want nothing more to do with XP. DC2 however idolises XP but is also really close to me and is not wanting to hear anything bad said about XP which I am respecting.