Friend has asked me for help leaving abusive marriage. Advice please. Long

[twinklesnows]

I have known a woman for around 4 years, she is the wife of one of my husbands friends. We have been closer friends for the last 18 months (since she became pregnant/had her baby. I saw her a couple of days ago at a gathering for her daughters 1st birthday gathering and she pulled me a side and said I need to see you on your own because I need to divorce or I am scared social services will remove daughter as her husband beat her again.
That is all that she said as there was people around. She can't text as her phone is broken and I don't want to call her as her husband is around a to and don't want to put her at risk if he hears anything.

I knew from when she was newly pregnant that there was physical violence as she confided in me that her husband tried to force her into an abortion in a fight that became physical, in front of her then 11 year old son (from previous relationship). The son told a teacher at school and Social services contacted her about the incident and she basically made them believe that they were now split up so nothing further happened. She also told me of another physical assault when she was 8 months pregnant and when the baby was 6 months and now when the baby has just turned 1.

There is also financial abuse; the husband has shares in 2 businesses (not on paper though) and drives a 20k+ range rover, latest i phone, nice clothes, land and a house in his home country (iraq) but will only spend on the house/family if pushed and it causes arguments. She has been forced for the most part of the relationship to claim benefits as a single parent, even after they married however for the last 6 months they have been claiming as a couple as he made himself a payslip from one of the businesses to show him working 16 hours a week. From the tax credits/child benefit my friend has to pay for all food/clothes for herself and 2 children plus the tv licence (he refuses to pay for it) and she has nothing left for treats/exrtas/bigger purchases for growing children while he has a lot of money.

He has said on numerous occasions before and after the babies birth that he will take her to his country (Iraq). I am worried that he will do this as there is no way to get her back. Thankfully she doesn't yet has a passport (couldn't get a British one, Mother is European) and my friend is trying to stall on getting her one from her country but can't put if off for much longer without risking more violence. Her husband could easily get and Iraqi one for the child but he hasn't as yet.
He has never looked after the baby, made a bottle, changed a nappy- spends a lot of time out so I don't think he would take the baby now but you can never be too cautious.

They have been living in the same house but separated since the start of december but he won't leave. just picks fights all the time. He won't leave< I believe because if they split his visa (which he got only by marring her after 9 years and as many failed asylum applications) will probably be cancelled. I think her only really married for the visa and that he probably intends to make her life hell for the remaining 4 years living at the same house so he can get indefinite leave.

She has asked me to help because her English is not that great when speaking about subjects she is unfamiliar with and does not know where to go for help. she is very isolated only has me and one friend from her country.

He is leaving the country in a few weeks to visit his family for 2 months so This would be an opportune time to do something about the situation. First thing I bought was to contact the Home Office to tell them that the marriage has broken down and that have been separated since start of december, hopefully they will then cancel his visa and he won't be able to come back- That is wishful thinking maybe? I don't think they work that fast?

Moving for her is out of the question as no money to do so, house is rented in just her name so i presume she could just change the locks? what about his stuff? I could move it out for her if need be.
For legal aid do you need to be leaving DV marriage? how do you show this? would the SS referral still be logged even if no action was taken? would there need to be discloser of other more recent DV and if so to who, and would this trigger SS involvement (which friend wants to avoid). I presume contact with the child in a contact centre would need to be arranged how do you do this?

I have known for so long that this has been her situation but I couldn't really do anything as she never said she wanted help until now. Now she is ready to leave I really want to help her. I want to start to find things out to help her before i see her again in a few days. where do I start?

Thanks

I'm sorry your friend is in such a bad situation. I'd suggest she contacts Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 as a first step and also report it to the police DV unit so that the assaults and so on are firmly on record and he is (hopefully) barred from returning to the house..... although not the country. She may need temporary refuge. Social Services are not interested in separating good mothers from their children. When she takes action to report and exclude him she will be demonstrating that she is a responsible parent. They may want to monitor or offer support but that would be different.

If she feels uneasy in the property the is nothing to stop her from installing extra security measures regardless of whose name is on the tenancy.

Perhaps she should go to the police and report the violence while he is away, and then file a restraining order against him so he is not allowed near the house upon his return. She should also shop him for benefit fraud and tell immigration that they are no longer together. I've seen others on here recommend calling women's aid for situations like this. You are a good friend, hope you can help her to get out.

i dont think she should stay in the house, he sounds the type to break in. she should go into refuge as far away from her hometown as possible. some refuges are asian only which can help if her english isnt good. once in refuge she will have a support worker to help her sort out finances. be with her when she makes the call to womens aid so u can help with language difficulties. she is lucky to have u as a friend.

for the record, this man should have no contact with his kids and the law should back this. both u and her need to see he will b 10 times more dangerous when she leaves. when wa assessed me they did a risk assessment which showed me at high risk of muder. its a shock to see it written down but i believe ur friends risk is as high as mine was.

I thought womens aid were out of the question as she has a son of 12 and a half now, but i will have a look at them, maybe drop them an email first to see if they an offer help before a call is made.

I presume that reporting to the police will trigger a visit from them and/or SS shortly after? If so that will have to be done as soon as he leaves unless you can ask for it to be recorded now and make an appointment for an interview or something? Just thinking that I want her to be able to have the max amount of time possible to get advice and make her next move what ever that may be.

Does the reporting of the DV guarantee access to legal aid for divorce? does anyone know if legal aid would also cover getting some sort of court order to prevent her husband leaving the country with the baby? I need to get a list of local solicitors too.

Thank you for the advice any more will be very much appreciated

Women's Aid are precisely the right place to ask the answers to all the questions. Alternatively the police DV unit which can be reached on the non emergency number 101. Domestic Abuse is much better understood than in the past and it is well known that victims are often coerced or intimidated into behaviour that might seem irrational. You and your friend seem to think that because she has covered up the truth about the abuse in the past Social Services etc will take a dim view and penalise her. That is not the case.

Should add...rather than mailing Women's Aid, get on the phone and keep trying until you get through. They are often busy.