Confused by friend's behaviour

[krystellie]

I'm very confused and upset by the behaviour of a (previously) very good friend and am hoping for some advice.

We used to meet up a lot and always have a great time. Recently, she's got very into exercise and the gym (although she has always been slim) which takes up a lot of her time. However, she seems to be using this as an excuse not to meet when I've suggested it recently.

As I know that she is being very health conscious at present, I've offered to go to healthy places and away from pubs, but she still says she's too busy to meet. Whilst she is a busy person, so are most people and I'm disappointed that she can't even seem to meet for an hour for a tea or coffee.

She still speaks to me on Facebook and email, but only seems to want to meet up on her own terms. If I suggest anything, the excuses pour in.

Why is she acting like that and how can I speak with her about it without pushing her away? The last time we met (which was weeks ago) we had a nice time, so I don't think I've offended her, plus she's always friendly on Facebook and email. I really like her company so hope not to lose her as a friend but her behaviour is really puzzling me.

Any 'pushing away' seems to be aimed at you rather than her. In many ways it's more difficult to ditch a friend than it is to end a romantic relationship. I'd stop suggesting meet ups, take the hint, and get on with the rest of your life

Yes - leave the ball in her court and see what happens. Sometimes friendships do just ebb away - it's very sad, but not something you can do anything about.

I understand your situation. My best friend has been acting similar and only on her terms. I told her i feel used. She said its nothing but i have just decided to leave her to it. It maybe they have something personal going on and your friend is using the gym as a way of coping.

Thanks everyone.

When we have met up over the past few months, it's when she has suggested it. However, I'm confused and saddened as to why when I suggest meeting, she says she's too busy. She is still very friendly on email and Facebook though, whereas I would have thought if she didn't want to be friends with me anymore, she'd either ignore me online or respond with shorter, more abrupt replies.

It's possible to like someone but not to prioritise seeing them... Maybe she just has a lot on at the moment or is being obsessive about the gym? Take a step back but keep in touch, hopefully she'll start making more effort soon.

If someone is happier to conduct a relationship long distance rather than face to face you have to conclude that there is something about physically getting together that they don't like. Wild speculation could come up with any number of interesting reasons why someone wouldn't want you to see them in the flesh.

I know most people will suggest forget her and move on but how well do you know her and how good a friend are you? Is this out of character for her?

I ask because I have anorexia and can become very obsessed with weight loss and exercise. It causes me to push away everyone around me and I shut out everyone I was once close to. I have a few very good friends who recognise this about me and will hang around in the back ground and support me with my recovery. I've lots many friends over the years who have disappeared when I've pushed them and I don't resent them for it at all, but I am glad for the ones that have stuck by me.

Talk to your friend. Explain you are worried about her and try to get to the bottom of it.

Inasimilarboat, we used to be pretty close and met up at least every couple of weeks and spoke online most days. We still speak online but the meeting up has dried up.

I was wondering if it might be due to her exercising as she's got very competitive about it and it seems to be all she's interested in as she posts on FB about exercise most of the time these days. Also, as I'm not as into exercise as she is (I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week to keep in shape but I'm not obsessive and enjoy wine!)

She seems very happy online though and she's the type of person who would go on the defensive if I asked her about this.

Perhaps she is too busy?

Going on the defensive is a typical sign. It's exactly what I do if people challenge me on my behaviours.

Be patient with her. Could you try and join in with some of her exercise so that you get to see her within something she is comfortable with at the minute?

I have a friend I enjoy meeting up with, however, she is childless and single and seems to think I have endless time. If we arrange to meet for a coffee she is always late, by hours, not minutes and then I can't get rid of her when I need to go get the kids or dh is coming home and he has specifically asked that said friend is not around when he gets in. She is very friendly and will not take the hint to leave, a morning coffee turns into a bottle of wine midafternoon followed by a chinese and carryout booze into the night. I have had to go to bed and leave her in the company of DH before as I could not stay awake and knew I'd have to get up with the kids in the morning. When I do get a text asking to meet up I sometimes think now 'it's not worth it' and will make excuses. If I do text back to ask to meet at a specific time I get all sorts of oddness from 'just getting in the shower' repeated two hours later, and then her turning up at my door 15 mins before the school run, to much encouragement about how she'll be right over, will text me in ten minues etc followed by silence for two days then a message that someone turned up at the door... when i've always got loads I could be doing but I've put it on hold as she's said she's coming over. I don't suppose any of this sounds like you? Much as I enjoy this friend's company, she doesn't seem to understand I'd rather just meet her ourselves as we chat up a storm, she's really funny and engaging but the kids get ignored/left to their playstation/tablet/TV. She also talks to the kids like they're adults, making innuendo type jokes and they don't really like her despite her insisting she's great with kids and they all love her. Also if you do see her on Friday, whether a quick catchup or lengthy lunch while the kids are at school and I'm thinking well that went well, nice to see her, she will constantly text for days inviting me to other things or saying she's in the neighbourhood can she just pop in...and I'm thinking we caught up yesterday for gawd sakes, it's family time now. I'm pretty sure you can't be like that, but it was good to vent! Am I the only one with a friend like this?

She really is probably just busy. I have friends I really like but between kids, work and exercising once a week, I maintain friendships largely by email, facebook and phone calls. Life is just busy.

However, she says she is too busy then posts on Facebook about watching TV or going out for drinks with her DH.

MMcanny - that's definitely not like me! I'm usually on time and try not to outstay my welcome.

My only thought is that she's wanting more time with her DH at the moment as they have busy people.