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Original poster

to be mad at DP for breaking my number plate?

53 replies

PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 18:11

DP and I went to do some shopping in his car earlier today. When we came home he was parallel parking into his space, wasn't being careful and bumped into my car behind quite hard. He got out to come around and help me out (I had piles of stuff on my knee for him to take before I could get out) and he was laughing saying that he'd cracked my numberplate. I thought he was joking but when I got out I saw that it is really cracked and bent. I definitely need a new one, especially cause my MOT is in 2 weeks.

I was really shocked that DP was laughing about damaging my car and he hadn't even apologised, and told him so. This descended into a huge argument with me expressing disbelief that he hadn't said sorry and him calling me a fucking cunt (bit harsh I thought). He said it was an accident, I should get over it and that I'm overreacting. He did say sorry in the end but it was a real shouted "Sorry then!" So I don't think that counts.

So, am I overreacting? Number plates are only about £10 but I'm more mad about him laughing it off and then getting angry at me for it. If I'd reversed into his car I'd be really apologetic and buy him a new number plate.

OP posts:
MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 01/02/2015 20:16

@whothehellknows

OP, just report your thread to MNHQ and they'll move it for you-- save you typing it all out again.

yup
we'll move this shortly

littleleftie · 01/02/2015 20:18

Life is too short to tolerate this kind of shit.

Move back to where you have support - I am sure you can continue with your studies. He can carry on with his life and find someone else to call a fucking cunt.

Charmer!

Lweji · 01/02/2015 20:21

I bet as soon as you get rid you will have people who you will be able to call should you go to hospital.
He's the fucking cunt.

As for the incident, it may be a little thing, but people often show who they are in these instances.

Malabrig0 · 01/02/2015 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 20:32

I am just really tired of this. I work long hours all week and study and look forward to the weekend. Then, more often than not, we end up arguing and I can't wait to go back to work away from him.

Sometimes he's nice and kind. He would never hit me or cheat on me. But he can't stop himself from swearing and saying horrible things. The arguments are things that normal people wouldn't argue over, we had a two day argument once about whose job it was to wash a teaspoon! (My side on that was "it doesn't matter, it's a teaspoon").

I just think we're not suited. I moved here when we'd only been together for a year and put all my eggs in this basket. It's not working out but our lives are entwined (tenancy, bills, lack of friends etc.) And that's the only thing keeping us together.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/02/2015 20:37

You need to leave before you have children with him.

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 20:38

And I feel sorry for him because he doesn't have any friends, he hates his job, he hardly gets any work anyway (self employed) so if I left he couldn't support himself and I'd be condemning him to moving back to his mum's. I know that's not really my problem but I feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/02/2015 20:45

He doesn't have any friends because he is a cunt.
That he has no friends is a red flag. Not a reason to feel sorry for someone.
And you are supporting him, too?
Yes, how his life works out it's entirely his problem. Not yours.

Aussiebean · 01/02/2015 20:48

You have been there for two Years and know no one? Work colleagues ? Uni people?

Have a good look at the last two years and try to work out how you could live somewhere and not know anyone! My point is to see if he has been keeping you isolated from going out and forming relationships or have you been isolating yourself in this relationship bubble.

I think you should prepare yourself to leave. I think you over reacted to the situation but if I had just spent £500 on the car I probably would have felt the same. His response was not one of empathy or sympathy but one of attack. That is why you should leave.

But think about why you know no one and rectify that. That will help you move forward.

happywanderingwithdog · 01/02/2015 20:57

Just leave. You are not responsible for his life, his career, his friendships (or lack of), or his happiness. Those are his responsibilities. It's taken me 23 years to work this out. Run, run for the hills while you still can!!

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 20:59

I work in a very male dominated industry so nearly all my colleagues are middle aged men, which is fine, we get on well but they're not 'friends'. I didn't have a car at first so I did my studies online for the first year. I go to college now for the second year but it's pretty cliquey because they were all together last year and know each other so hardly anyone speaks to me. I joined an exercise class to meet new people and it was fun, but it only lasted 8 weeks and now it's finished. I've joined another, that starts tomorrow, hopefully there will be friendly people there.

He insisted that we live in this commuter town 15 miles from the city I work in. I wanted to live closer, to be able to meet people and not live in this boring place, but he insisted so I have a 1 hour commute each way every day which limits my time some more. I really wish I'd stuck to my guns tbh since I'm paying for it anyway, but it seemed crass to say that at the time.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 01/02/2015 21:11

Looks like it is time to move closer to work. That is a good start to moving forward.

Then you will gain at least an extra hour a day to dedicate to a hobby that will open up your social life.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 21:16

He insisted in living there to isolate you. Have no doubt.

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 21:33

We have a lease for another 10 months here so will I have to stay, or will I lose my deposit? I have only rented informally before this so don't know how 'real' estate agents do things.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/02/2015 21:40

Check with the estate agents.
If they are able to find another tenant soon you may be able to move out.
In any case, check the contract. There are often clauses about moving out earlier. You just need to give enough warning of a couple of months or so, after the first N months.

ChasedByBees · 01/02/2015 21:42

I would raise with the estate agents what the situation will be, for example, if you find someone to replace you, would they let you go? He sounds awful.

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 21:46

Oh good heavens honey, dump him.
You don't like him.
Yes, I hear the guilt and the moving away stuff.
But you just don't like him. Which is fair enough, he calls you a cunt?

On the car plate - if I broke my boyfriend's, I'd want to be in a relaxed and calm relationship, where he could sheepishly says "OMG I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry but I've cracked your plate! It's only that, they can do it during the MOT, and of course I'll pay!"

Then I'd laugh and say "you muppet, wait til I tell your mates! Don't worry about the cost, but you owe me!"

It should just be easy, it really should. In a good relationship, it's easy to apologise about the mistake, and it's easy to be gracious in accepting the apology.

This guy is an arsehole, so it's not.

You have a great job, good study prospects. OK, so it's not always easy to meet people. So ditch this deadweight (life is too short to date someone you don't like, let alone someone who doesn't like you! Cunt, really?). Join a social group. And Match.com Wink you'll soon meet people!

I can't say about hitting you, but don't be so sure he'd never cheat. He doesn't respect you. He expects to dictate where YOU pay to live. Of, and he thinks your a fucking cunt. Where in that is the love that will keep him faithful?

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 21:55

On the tenancy... There's often a 6 month break clause. Up to 6 months you're stuck, after that it's 2 months notice. So if you've got 10 months to go, have you only been there 2?

If you are stuck with the lease for a few months, here's what I'd do.

Tell him you want him to leave, or take it on alone. Chances are he'll refuse to do either. Seeing as you're paying.

So call his bluff and say "right, I'm off". Transfer all bills to his name immediately. Tell him you'll only pay half the rent until lease is up. Sounds like he can't afford the other half and bills, and go running back to mummy? So that might see him off.

Of course, you'll be liable for full amount to landlord, so budget for him not paying. But remember, get yourself off all the bills.

So you can afford double rent, get yourself into a very big shares house in the city right where you work. Save on your commuting costs, and meet new people coming and going in the shared house!

Fuck him.

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 22:11

I have just been looking at lovely house shares in the city and getting really excited. It's much less than what I'm paying now (obviously!). I just read the tenancy agreement and it seems that I can give 1 months notice, even before the lease is up. But I might wait til it's imminent to question the estate agent cause he's friends with DP's brother and I don't want people gossiping. (It's that kind of provincial town)

I have some exams this spring, I think I will stay until then, so there's less disruption for me. After that I need to just bite the bullet and end it.

Cabrinha that is how it should be "oh no! I'm so sorry!" Not "Haha! It was an accident, get over it". Like I said though, we have a history of tiny arguments getting really vicious until I'm standing there in disbelief saying "did you really just tell me to go and fuck myself about that? "

I'm so glad I posted. It's like I needed people to give me permission to end it. My family love him (but they've met him less than 5 times) and I hardly ever brought boyfriends home so I think they were just grateful I was settling down.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/02/2015 22:11

Regardless of the contract, talk to your landlord. A solution may be found that makes you and them happy.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 22:14

If you look carefully, the contract is often more to protect the tenant from eviction during that period than to keep them in. They tend to be harsher on the landlord in that respect than the tenant.

But, your sounds like a good plan, regarding moving out.

Which doesn't mean you can't kick him out and end it all right now. Stop paying for his stuff and his part of the rent.

Tobyjugg · 01/02/2015 23:07

YABU. What would you have done if he's damaged the bodywork.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 23:13

Any chance he wasn't careful on purpose? He knows your MOT is coming and you've spend already quite a lot on the car...

Original poster
PrivateBenjamin · 01/02/2015 23:35

No I don't think he did it on purpose. He just wasn't concentrating (he was actually slagging off my parking even though I was parked within my lines). There was a bit of a "well you have enough money to get it fixed" attitude about him though.

I think he resents that I have a decently paid job and he doesn't. Before we moved into this place I was considering buying because rent is very expensive here but mortgage rates are cheap, but I wouldn't put him on the mortgage and he pitched a fit about how it wasn't fair. I was providing all the deposit and the mortgage lender wouldn't put him on the mortgage cause his earnings are so erratic, but he said that I could just add him to the deeds later. I really didn't want to be so financially tied to him and to this place so I didn't buy in the end. Thank fuck for that.

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 01/02/2015 23:41

He sounds like a twat tbh.

Dh managed to drop a heavy tin on my car about a month after id had it. He knew how much I cherish my car and he was full of apologies and actually paid for a small graphic I'd had my eye on to hide the dent.

Your DP's reaction should have been 'oops, sorry, I'll sort it for you'.

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