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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and DD

25 replies

ThePrincessButtercup · 01/02/2015 17:15

DD (14) is very messy (like her mother) and has accumulated a large pile of clutter on the spare bed in her room.

I find it annoying but nowhere near as annoying as the refusal to bring down dirty cups or put dirty washing in the wash basket. I refuse to do this for her, though it would be quicker and I tend to focus my battles on this, teenagers with messy rooms being very common as far as I know.

A couple of weeks ago DH announced that if DD didn't declutter her room he'd throw it all out into bin bags. I asked if he'd give her until half term but we didn't come to an agreement on this.

Yesterday he mentioned her room and I asked him not to do anything this weekend, it's my last one before I return to work tomorrow following a 6 month absence.

DH has been unwell this weekend and has slept for most of it. I woke him up to go and get DD from the gym and he came back in a foul mood, shouting about DD's room.

We had a blazing row after I accused him of only waking up to argue with everyone. It quickly escalated and became physical, on my part, after he made a horrible remark about something I said to him last week about my regrets regarding my last words to my father.

I went to leave the house, at his request, and had just got my coat on when I heard DD screaming. I ran upstairs to find her on the floor.
He'd thrown all her stuff on the floor. She'd emptied her school bag on top on everything as she'd used it to go the gym.

I tried to drag him out of her room and DD and I both left the house to look for DS (17 with AS) who'd disappeared with the dog.

I'd begged him not to cause chaos this weekend, he of course says it's all my fault for not making her tidy it earlier.

DD is really upset, her room is wrecked and DH is just oozing righteous, sanctimonious indignation. She's expecting him to apologise, I have told her not to hold her breath. I know he's not well but his inconsistency and just taking his bad mood out on others I find unforgivable.

OP posts:

bigjimsdiamondmine · 01/02/2015 17:19

This sounds like a horrible environment for everyone. First off though 'getting physical on your part' if that means you got violent then that's completely unacceptable no matter what was said, especially with dcs in the house! Aside from tha he sounds like a bit of a twat, and it really doesn't sound like you even like him, let alone love him! have you thought about seperating? It might be best for the whole family.

lunar1 · 01/02/2015 17:24

You got violent, he has been asking her for weeks to tidy, he gets woken up from being ill to pick her up.

If I've got all those points right I can't blame him for getting cross.

PotteringAlong · 01/02/2015 17:28

You woke an ill man up and got him out of bed to get dd from the gym? Who, if she's old enough to go to the gym herself must be old enough to get herself there and back.

You were stroppy with him when he was in a bad mood and then violent to him and he is at fault? Really?

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 17:37

He told her two weeks ago to tidy up her room. This was a reasonable request with plenty of notice and you should have supported him.

Why did you wake him up to go and get her when he is in bed ill?

On top of that you were violent towards him.

You need to look at your own behaviour here OP.

Norest · 01/02/2015 17:45

How is her room wrecked now? What's the difference with the mess being on the floor rather than on her spare bed?

She was on the floor? How did that happen? did she lie down on the floor?

He was still in the room and you tried to drag him out? Physically? As well as 'getting physical' with him (what does that mean? you hit him? Slapped him?)

He made a horrible remark about something to do with your dead father?

And your daughter screamed?

This does sound like chaos, and it sounds you all relate to one another with the maximum mount of, um 'dramatic energy' (I don't want to shout 'drama' at you ad thats mostly used as an insult).

it sounds like you all need to find new ways of relating and expressing how you feel without screaming, shouting, tantrums, hitting and other assorted violence...both physical and emotional.

Quitelikely · 01/02/2015 17:46

Your poor dh! You assaulted him. Tell him from me to call the police. He shouldn't be a risk of a battering from you regardless of what he says.

He has got just as much say as you with regards to your daughters mess in the house. I think it is reasonable to say that he would bag it all up if she didn't sort it.

Your approach was not working.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 17:50

Were either of you grateful to him for picking her up. Did either of you thank him for getting out of his sick bed to do that?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 17:52

I think only Jeremy Kyle could help with this one

Far too much shouting and aggression going on

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 17:52

Why couldn't you fetch your own daughter from the gym?

Joysmum · 01/02/2015 17:54

2 weeks is more than long enough to tidy a room

You wake up a sick man to be a taxi service.

You assault him.

coppertop · 01/02/2015 17:55

I don't understand why you woke up your dh when you knew that he was ill. If there really was no other way for dd to get home, why didn't she just give it a miss for one weekend so that her dad could get some rest?

She could have used that time to get her room tidied up. It's not as though she hadn't had any warning about what would happen.

I can't even begin to imagine why you thought that dragging your dh was in any way a good idea. And presumably you did this in front of your dd?

If I were your dh, I'd be furious too.

TheJingleMumsRush · 01/02/2015 17:56

She should have tidied her room sooner and you should have supported him, you shouldn't have got him out of bed if he was ill and you crossed a line getting violent.

LovesBooks · 01/02/2015 18:00

You need to look at your own behaviour here.

He gave her plenty of notice to sort her room and from your op it sounds as if you constantly undermined him with it. She should have listened to her dad and you should have kept out of it and left them to it.

You woke up him up being ill to pick up your daughter. She is old enough to get back alone. He was hardly going to be happy when ill.

You then were violent towards him. If you was a woman on here with her partner being violent, everyone would tell you to leave him so I really don't see why it should be any different for you. Violence is wrong. I don't blame your oh for being annoyed.

MrsDiesel · 01/02/2015 18:01

Sorry op but I have to agree with everyone else. You were really out of order. It sounds like your daughter is a bit of a precious princess and has you wrapped around her little finger.

PurpleWithRed · 01/02/2015 18:05

Hmm. Agree with some of the above BUT

The whole teenage tidiness thing is a huge can of worms. Unhygienic is unacceptable, but at 14 why can't you let her have control over the tidiness of her room? Making her have it they way you (he) wants is a way of making sure she knows who's boss. Is this the best battle to be picking? Just shut the door. Win yourself some 'reasonable parent' points, you're going to need them over the next few years.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 01/02/2015 18:08

Your dd had fair warning about her room. Her screaming because he'd put stuff on the floor is way OTT and you pandering to this is ridiculous.

Screaming and shouting at each other and getting physical whilst your children are in the house is disgusting behaviour especially as your eldest felt the need to leave the house.

Get a grip of your behaviour

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes · 01/02/2015 18:10

DP is her parent too and has a right to ask her to clean her room (especially of it's dirty aswell as messy).
You undermined him then asked him to pick her up from the gym when he's sick. Then it sounds like you assaulted him more than once.

If I was him I'd be calling the police and getting a divorce asap. You sound abusive OP. I wouldn't be surprised of your DH is furious

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 18:14

DD is really upset, her room is wrecked and DH is just oozing righteous, sanctimonious indignation. She's expecting him to apologise

How is her room wrecked? Surely the clutter is just on the floor instead of on the spare bed? Tell her to get in there and tidy up like she should have done in the first place. She should count herself lucky that it's not all been put into bin bags and thrown away.

What is it that she thinks he needs to apologise for?

Finola1step · 01/02/2015 18:23

I do agree with other posters re your physical response, waking an ill person to collect a 14 year old, and the two week issue.

However, something I find interesting is that you are returning to work after a 6 month break tomorrow. That in itself must be very stressful for all concerned as I'm assuming that we are talking long term sick?

How are you feing about tomorrow Buttercup?

googoodolly · 01/02/2015 18:23

Really?

You get DH out of bed when he's sick to go out in the cold, then he gets annoyed because your DD hasn't tidied up - instead of presenting a united front in front of your daughter, you assault him?!

Get your DD to tidy her room (which she should have done two weeks ago, tbh) and then leave and give your DH some space to think. He should not have to share space with someone who has assaulted him.

gamerchick · 01/02/2015 18:25

She's expecting him to apologise?

Tell your daughter to get her arse in that bedroom and tidied up.

Man I feel sorry for your dude.... you can tell where he is in the pecking order.

Original poster

ThePrincessButtercup · 01/02/2015 19:47

In response to the many questions...

Why couldn't you fetch your own daughter from the gym?
I'm not allowed to drive ATM on medical grounds.

Why did you wake him up to go and get her when he is in bed ill?
He'd offered to collect her, he wasn't in bed ill, he'd fallen asleep on the sofa. He's got a cold and is taking OTC painkillers for a sore knee.

She was on the floor? How did that happen? did she lie down on the floor?
I didn't see but apparently he pushed her after she tried to stop him.

What is it that she thinks he needs to apologise for?
Everything, she's a teenager!

I'm assuming that we are talking long term sick?
Yes, I've had surgery for cancer.

How are you feing about tomorrow Buttercup?
Terrified! I'm on a graduated return, thankfully. Gave to have more surgery soon.

DD has apologised to DH, DH has apologised for pushing DD.
I've apologised for pushing DH, he's apologised for his vile comments about my DDad.

It's been a difficult time recently. Thanks for the 'Jeremy Kyle' comments.

OP posts:

arthriticfingers · 01/02/2015 19:58

I am with you Buttercup.
There is actually no excuse for using superior physical force to trash someone else's room.
Sorry to hear what you are going through :(

fattymcfatfat · 01/02/2015 20:00

Im sure this has been a very difficult time for all involved. Hopefully things are improving medically for you. I do agree that your dd should have tidied her room but I was a 14 yo (I was going to say not that long ago then realised that I will be 24 this year so its almost ten years!!!! Wow im old) and my room was a tip! My mum was always going on at me about it. ...but it did get done as she really would have binned it all! I think you all need to be more supportive of each other and im sure the pandering to your dd has probably got something to do with being ill. But your dh still needs you to support him aswell, just as you need him to support you. I really do wish you all the best.

SugarOnTop · 01/02/2015 20:33

sounds like you need to get your dd in line and teach her some manners as well as hygiene/cleanliness.

why was she even allowed the priviledge/treat of going to the gym when she has been ignoring requests to clean her room for weeks?!

i'd be pissed off too if i'd been woken up to fetch a lazy sod from the gym when i was suffering from a cold...especially when she could have easily made her own way home.

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