Not sure where to turn or what to do?

[sftskf001]

I'm looking for female advice. I've been married 19 years, 3 children over the age of 10. Both are teachers (elementary). Over the last 8 years we have had sex 2 times and for six of the 8 nothing! We're close with each other just nothing Physical . I have tried everything from personal counseling to couples. She says "it me not you" Im at the end of my rope! Help!

Couples with children often go through dry spells & six drives can go out of synch occasionally, but six years is a long time. Do you feel loved and cherished as an individual? Despite the absence of sex, are you physically intimate with each other? Tactile? Relaxed?

Ultimately, I think it comes down to compatibility. Assuming neither of you are going to change your attitude about this key aspect of life together, is what's left enough to keep the marriage going for the next 5, 10, 20 years?

It is no use asking if you are happy with this situation otherwise you wouldn't be posting on MUMSNET
It is one big rut you have both got into. I think that you have to clear your head and decide if you are prepared to go on with this situation.

Personally I couldn't just sit there and say ' it's not you its me' . Is that a reason not to try, when it is obviously making half of the duo unhappy. NO! Absolutely not.!

I suspect you are a very nice person who has given up too easily. I know after childbirth some women go off sex big time. You needed not to give up.

You have to get counselling. Either way it can't get worse. She needs to realise that she is going to find herself in a failed marriage unless she at least tries.
So I think I would research the options. See your GP and see if there are any sexual clinics, CBT, Mindful etc to be had. Get some books as well so that you are up to date on any skills that you might need. Counselling would help you communicate with your wife if you are rather a shy introverted person.

Then sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel and what you have told us. I don't think you have a choice. Be firm and man up and don't cave in immediately if she starts crying. She will know deep down that what is going on is not right as you are both only young. At least she should try.
Making love is great anyway, who would want to miss out on the closeness it brings?
Talking is really the key, but even more crucial , is listening.

Marriages are a team effort. No one should give and the other one take. It should be 50-50.

Sorry I meant to say that you need more counselling.

I've been in your position, though genders reversed.

What (tentatively, it's early days) worked for me is having a good hard think about whether I wanted to be celibate. Whether he's worth it to me. Whether I could do that with good grace and without resenting him.

I decided I couldn't live like that. You may decide differently.

Having decided that, I talked to him. I said I had thought about it, and I completely understood - because I do, some people don't want to have sex and it is perfectly fine for them to feel that way - but I couldn't personally live in a sexless marriage.

We talked about having an open relationship. It's a hard thing to bring up and only you can know if even suggesting it is right for you.

For me, DH was willing for that to happen, but I found that even with his 'ok' it wasn't something I wanted.

So I told him that I was very, very sorry but that we would have to end.

--

At that point, DH revealed that he had a... problem... with pornography. Which is less likely, though still technically possible, for your wife.

However, I do think that when you're in the position of wanting a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't, it makes you question whether you want to be there. And I think a lot of times, the person who doesn't want sex isn't having those thoughts. It's understandable, but I think the question of whether to continue needs to be jointly solved, and the best way to do that is to present it to them. Don't make it feel like there's something wrong with her, because there isn't. It is just something you differ on, and you both need to decide whether reaching a compromise is preferable to ending the relationship. Obviously, what level of compromise you reach is up to you. But you both need to be happy with it.

Footnote: are you helping out enough around the home? Do you make her feel sexy? What about suggesting a massage, or perhaps taking a bath together?