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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling really down about my mother

20 replies

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 10:21

I feel really let down by my parents, mainly my mother.

Without going into too much detail, i never get a phone call, i always ring them, and it usually ends with them being busy and having to go. They came to visit once the day after my son was born, but not at all since (he's over 4mths now) and they only live about 2hrs drive away.

I asked my mother if they could contribute something towards my wedding, and it wasn't a problem, but having rung today to ask about the £1000 i asked if we could please have, now it's an issue. It's also my graduation next week, and she said she'd probably be too busy to come to it. (She hadn't even mentioned it to my Dad, who seemed to think it should be ok for them to come) I had nothing but a card for my birthday, and nobody rang me Xmas Day. It's bad enough i feel ignored, but now my son seems next in line. We used to be close, but now i feel like i don't exist.

Am i being childish? Maybe at 24 i shouldn't expect so much from my parents, but i feel really hurt.

OP posts:

Dahlia1 · 20/10/2006 10:31

DetentionGrrrl sending you hugs. Your thread has made me so sad, I am a mother myself and could never imagine treated my child this way. I am old enough to BE your mother and she is acting disgracefully. I wish I could advise you on what to do but there are obviously reasons why your mother is behaving like this, however it is very wrong and hurtful. My DD is only 11 and I can't bear the day she will grow up and leave home.. I wish I could do something for you we all need to know we can depend on our parents. What about your DP and his family? Do they all get along, can't they help in this situ? Sending you the love that EVERY child deserves. Where are you BTW?

mumatuks · 20/10/2006 10:34

I'm sorry to read what you have written.. do you think there could be more going on behind the scenes with your mum?
Maybe they are worried they will wake your DS up if they ring?
What is your mums personality like? Is she this way with everyone? I know my MIL is very funny about my DS's crying in public and very worried as to what others will think, personally I don't care what others think, I know whats going on (tired / tantrum / hunger etc!)
I don't know what to say about the money. That is such a personal issue with every individual. Has she not got as much as she thought to give you? Or maybe she's worried about parting with that much money? Only your mum can answer that one.
I don't think your being childish, i think you've had your feelings hurt by the people that you regard highly. I'd say the best you can do is ask them, both together and get some answers, other wise this will eat away at you and spoil your two special days you have coming up! (congrats on them both BTW!)

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 10:35

In Swansea.

Was supposed to have a driving lesson today, but can't face it now- rung and said my son wasn't well. Waiting for fella to come home for a cuddle instead.

I don't know why they're like this- we've never fallen out. I think i'm just too nice and i never complain, so they get away with more and more.

OP posts:

mumatuks · 20/10/2006 10:36

p.s are you an only child by any chance and roughly what age is your mum? Oh and how long ago did you leave home? sorry for barrage of questions I'm thinking "outloud" so to speak!

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 10:38

am the oldest of 4, 2 brothers still live at home. My mother is in her early 40's. I moved out at 16.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 20/10/2006 10:45

Poor you. When I was 22 we visited my parents with our 3 month year old. We asked if they could babysit whilst we went to the pub (first night out for ages it might have been) and my mother said she felt imposed on.... first grandchild, first request to babysit.... I think that made it quite clear. I believe (and she died 2 years ago).. that my brother was only just leaving school about then and she felt her dayso f hard labour as a mother were finally coming to an end and FREEDOM loomed, freedom for children, responsibilities to them etc etc. They also changed the locks on the house when we all went to university and she moved into my bed room. She did over the years visit a few times a year but they never wanted much to be involved in any meaninful sense with the grandchildren of whom there are now nine. My father is still the same and now too sick to visit us anyway. It was always us going to visit for 20 years, just about unless we had some family life event here like a baptism.

I think when you have a baby you want and need more contact with them. I wonder how I'll be. My daughters are likely to have children in the next 10 years. I will be working full time. The youngest childre nin 10 years will be leaving home. I will also be seeing that vision of Freedom after 30 years of motherhood..... I'l be wanting to travel, go out without thinking about chidlren, do exciting things and I suppose I won't be wanting to start 20 years of involved grandparent hood.

mumatuks · 20/10/2006 10:45

hmm, do you think she is missing you but she has a very funny way of showing it?
Perhaps her image of you has changed, look what you've accomplished. From what you've written I'm assuming you've gone off to college, done well to get in to uni, worked hard, got a degree and now you have your two men!

I'm thinking you must have changed so much since you were 16 she feels she just doesn't know her daughter anymore. (not that I'm comending her behaviour towards you, I just looking from neutral ground)

spook · 20/10/2006 10:56

Oh DetentionGrrrl. I am so sorry and saddened by what you wrote.
My mother left when I was nine and has tried to make amends by being a good grandmother, but at the end of the day, we just don't get on. I suppose,deep down,I have issues with her leaving but I am a grown up with two boys of my own. I just don't have the time or the energy to deal with that relationship any more.
The last time I saw her I had arrived home from hospital after having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and she walked out the next morning because I had been grumpy. FFS.
This time I just can't be arsed to try and fix it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is-they are our parents. And as parents ourselves we expect them to be everything we want to be but in reality they're often not. They're fallible and human warts and all.
I'm not sure it's something that will ever go away but now (I'm 39) I have come to realise that we get on with it, move on and if they want to be a part of our exciting changing times then good. But if they don't there's very little we can do about it.
But it will never stop hurting and TBH it is they that are missing out on their beautiful grandchildren.
Shame on her.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 10:58

Mumatuks: i see what you're saying, but i don't think it's that she doesn't know me, it's more that her priorities are arse backwards. My parents run a pub, which has now become their excuse for everything.

I used to take care of 2 of my brothers a great deal when i was very young (9 or so) because i was very mature, and this helped her a lot, and we were very close/used to have a laugh together etc. When i was about 19 she told me that she'd cheated on my Dad when they'd had a bad patch, and i told her that maybe she should find a friend to talk to about that, because i was uncomfortable with her talking to me about it- things got worse since then. Maybe she thought i couldn't be her 'buddy' anymore.

OP posts:

fondant4000 · 20/10/2006 11:24

I would bet they don't know how you are feeling.

You seem to have got your life so sorted, and have always been capable, that they have not thought that, even when everything seems to be OK, we all need our mums and dads and support (and I speak as a 43 yr old who needs her mum)!

Her sons needs are right in front of her, yours are not. You're probably right to think that because you don't make a fuss (i.e. your graduation), that it doesn't really matter that much to you.

I didn't invite my parents to my graduation, didn't go myself, because I hated having to show that I needed or wanted them - after all it was only for me, not a crisis or anything, not really important (this happens after a lack of support and confidence through childhood).

It wasn't until I met my dh that I came to understand that it's OK to need, that you have to tell people what you need even if that's difficult for them, and it's up to your parents to do the right thing.

Hope that makes some kind of sense Honestly, I really wish I could hire my dh out sometimes, he's great at this kind of thing - except when it comes to his own family, of course!!

fondant4000 · 20/10/2006 12:30

Sorry, left out some vital words!:

I would bet they don't know how you are feeling.

To them it seems like you have got your life so sorted, and have always been capable, that they have not thought that, even when everything seems to be OK, we all need our mums and dads and support (and I speak as a 43 yr old who needs her mum)!

Her sons needs are right in front of her, yours are not. You're probably right to think that because you don't make a fuss (i.e. your graduation), that [they think] it doesn't really matter that much to you.

Hope that makes some kind of sense Honestly, I really wish I could hire my dh out sometimes, he's great at this kind of thing - except when it comes to his own family, of course!!

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 20/10/2006 16:56

Well, my mother may be useless, but my fella isn't. He came home from work, bought me a couple of dvds, a cd, pick n mix and bread and pate! Suppose if i want anything to change with my parents i'll have to tell them, and i can't, so it's tough really.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 20/10/2006 18:45

Maybe you'd find that book by Dr Susan Forward about toxic parents helpful?

I am so sorry to hear that your relationship with your mum is less than you'd hoped for. It doesn't matter whether you're 24 or 64, it still hurts. She's your mum!

Do you think she would be terribly upset if you told her how hurt you are by this kind of behaviour? Have you mentioned it before even in a light way?

I'm glad your DH is a rock anyway.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 22/10/2006 08:02

My fella says i should have it out with her on the phone, but i can't bring myself to do it- i hate any kind of conflict. It's been 2 days since she was meant to ring me back because she was too tired to talk to me.

OP posts:

lulumama · 22/10/2006 08:52

DG - that is very sad.....at 24..you are more than entitled to ask for support and help...at the least...a nice phone call once in a while!

if you can;t bear to have it out on the phone...write her a letter,,,and you are less likely to say something in a letter in the heat of the moment that could make things worse....

your mum might feel, as you left home 8 years ago, you can just get on with things....and if two of your siblings are still at home..she might just want you to get on with it...
sad that she won;t come to your graduation...

if she doesn;t want to be involved...you can;t make her...if she doesn;t see her behaviour as anything out of the ordinary..it is hard to change her...

you can change how you react to her....and know that you are loved by your DH ..that you have a lovely baby...she is the one missing out....

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 22/10/2006 11:32

Well i rang to see if anyone was going to come to my graduation, and my Dad is. My mother said she doesn't have anything to wear and she's busy with the pub. She did apologise for not ringing, but she was too busy to speak to me again, so she might ring me tomorrow instead.

OP posts:

lulumama · 22/10/2006 11:39

sounds like there is a lot of history with you and your mum....if my mum had said she had nothing to wear form y draduation or was too busy to come along,,,

but it sounds like you are actually used to this and don't actually expect anything different...least your dad will be there...

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 22/10/2006 11:48

I'm probably making her sound terrible when she's not all bad...when she does have time for me, we get on brilliantly. Just seems she has no time.

OP posts:

lulumama · 22/10/2006 11:49

theni guess the question is

does your version of enough time and hers match?

sounds like they don't

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 23/10/2006 14:58

Well, my mother did ring me. Been on phone for 45 mins having a laugh and she told me she loved me. Just a shame there's not more times like this!

OP posts:

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