Newbie so nervous - ex taking the piss, how can I get some control of the situation?

[as1972]

I've been separated from my ex for nearly three years. He dumped me and started another family. He's very controlling and a bully. Everything seemed okay until I met someone else and now the situation has changed. The contact with our children has suddenly become very infrequent. He cancels literally minutes before I'm expecting him to pick the children up. I think I'm too soft and I need to take some control, but I feel intimidated and I don't know what to do.

He's punishing you, best thing you can do is not engage with him at all, only talk when it's about the children.

Dont tell the children about expected pick ups, its a better surprise that way.

You may want to ask MNHQ to move this to the Relationships section - AIBU can be a bit fierce :) (Click Report on your post if you want to do that.) Welcome to mumsnet.

Unfortunately this kind of thing is very common, it's a control mechanism. There isn't really a lot you can do, though. Obviously don't assume that he will be reliable childcare. Try not to react to him, you will only let him see that he is getting to you. It's also a bit "dog in the manger" - he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He's trying to disrupt your new relationship by cancelling your alone time, basically.

How old are the children? Are they young enough you can not tell them and then be all "Oh look yay Daddy is here!" or are they expecting him? If they are expecting him, it might be worth planning some fun things that you can do if he cancels, so you can distract them quickly with "Never mind... let's go and..."

Make sure you stay positive or neutral when you talk to them about him. They will work out in their own time what he is like :( You can talk about his behaviour - and you should - reassure them that it's OK to feel sad, angry, etc if they are showing you those feelings.

Are they old enough that when he rings to cancel you can put them on the phone and get him to tell them himself in the hope it causes a guilt trip?

I really feel for you. It's the worst thing. So selfish :(

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum! Haven't quite worked it out yet. My two daughters are aged 6 and 8. My eldest has reached a point where she isn't really bothered, in fact she'd prefer not to spend time with him. I want to encourage them to see him, but because he is so unreliable it's difficult. He only sees them about once per month even though he lives less than one mile away! There is always an excuse, I don't want to be difficult, but I feel like I need some support and space occasionally and I'm not getting any. If I was denying him access to our children then I suppose he would be going to family court, but I'm not. I want some occasional support.

It's not wrong :) I just think you'll get better support in the Relationships section.

I think unfortunately you have to write off the fact that he will not ever give you that support. Do you have any other childcare?

Please move this discussion to whichever forum is appropriate (my plea to whoever controls these things).

I suppose there are generally two scenarios when families break up, either the Dad wants to spend time with his children or he doesn't care and doesn't bother any more. My ex is playing games with me and his children. If he said that he didn't want to spend time with our children any more then I think I would respect him more. It's all just a game and I don't know what to do. I suppose I should just tell him to sod off. I feel powerless.

as, he's playing games to control you and by the looks of things, they're working.

I understand that you want some support but this man will not give it to you...it's best you look elsewhere for what you need. You can't force him to play a role in raising his children unfortunately.

In regards to your girls, I agree with PP...don't let them know to expect him. Then it's a nice surprise for them if he turns up but they don't feel shunned if he doesn't. Don't engage with him if he cancels. If he does it by text, don't respond at all. If by phone, simply say Ok, then say goodbye and continue with your day.

Your poor dcs :(

Yup, he's just trying to control you. The most important thing is to make sure your ex doesn't ever see it bothers you.

If anything show enthusiasm that you get to have more time with your dcs (he'll probably change tac then).

You know you can't rely on him, so make sure you plan back up childcare for when you need it (I always had my dm on standby for when I actually needed to work etc.), or if that isn't an option, assume he won't ever turn up.

I also never told the dcs he was coming because I was tired of their disappointment.

You have my sympathy.

The advice you've been given is good. IF he's an arsehole, you're not going to persuade him out of that behaviour. Most of us like to think of ourselves as good parents so I think it's unlikely he will say he won't have contact. All you can do is try to minimise the impact on rhe children.

This is a classic situation for the saying 'you can't control someone's behaviour, just how you respond to it'

There's nothing you can do to make him behave decently. But you can control how it affects you and your DC - that's how you get control back.

Can you rely on your family for support?

Honestly, I'd just leave him to it.

It's great for kids to have a father. But only if he's involved and interested and not a dickhead.

Those who are advising that his visits become a surprise, have you had experience of this? Only I'd be worries that they'd get nervous that dad would arrive any minute and would be wary if trust in mum. But I don't have experience of this so I could be completely wrong. I'd definitely have a decent activity lined up for when he cancels though. And don't arrange stuff yourself so that you reaction to them staying isn't a negative one!

I have done it. But admittedly I told and explained to the eldest (because he was old enough to understand that there was a chance that XH wouldn't show). He was only seeing them once a month at most anyway, so there wasn't the risk that they'd get used to being visited regularly, sadly. It was much better than dealing with the disappointment and tears.

Things are now at a point where I will get ample warning of changes to plans, but only after treating him as though I not only didn't care what he did, I actively wanted to spend the time with my dcs always (which is true). So never tell him you have plans that would be ruined by him not coming or being late. don't complain if he cancels (if anything be pleased), and hopefully once it's clear it isn't bothering you (or even worse, that you might actually enjoy the time without him) he'll start being more reliable. It may not work, but either way the emotional affect on you will be reduced.

Unfortunately there isn't a huge amount you can do as you cant stop him being a twat.

What you can try is oh that is great we wanted to do x but they were supposed to be with you and variations along that. Make it sound like it is working out great for you not that it is an imposition.

Throw in a new boyfriend thought doing y would be great so he can get to know them better...

Or ask can I keep them on x date so I can get tickets and we can go do... He will say sure. So say great I will get the tickets (obviously don't and don't tell DC) because he will change his mind at the last minute.

Cheap things you can go and do them.

If he thinks you and new boyfriend prefer this he may start having time with his own kids...

Sad but some people work that way to spite others.

Thanks for all the advice. I need some tactics to deal with this. My brother helps out when he can, but my Dad is ill and my Mum and brother (quite rightly) focus on helping him. I just get frustrated, it's difficult trying to do everything. My boyfriend had to take his ex to family court to get contact sorted and it has worked out well for him and his daughter - I sort of hoped that I could do the same, but I can't force my ex to have his children!

Morning folks. OP - we got your Batcall! We're going to move this to Relationships for you in a moment. If you want to get in touch again, just hit the 'report' button above any post and you can send us a message about it.

Definitely do not try to force ex to have the children - it will not end well for anyone.

Don't feel sad for your DC either - far worse to spend time with a father who would rather be elsewhere. If they see him a few times a year then so be it. Just drop it. Do not instigate any contact with him whatsoever, if he says he is seeing the DC then try to take some control by saying you will drop them at his at X time ( so you aren't sat around waiting) and if he cancels try to do something nice with the DC instead.

Regarding getting a break - can you afford a childminder/babysitter sometimes? I know it is hard but this stage won't last forever.

You need to get your support from elsewhere really. Do you know another mum who would swap with you once a month? You have their DC for a day/night and then she reciprocates?

I know what you mean, rose. When XP used to cancel all the time DS was about 2 years old and he was in a real stage for wanting/needing to know what was happening that day. If I let him come as a "surprise" DS was asking all the time "Is Daddy coming today?" and it was really unsettling for him.

At 5 and 7 they will probably work out that he is supposed to come on certain days but doesn't. What happens when they get party invitations etc for the weekends? I think I'd start making plans for them and then say "Well we didn't know if you were coming, so they're doing something else."