DP and book

[DistanceCall]

This may be a bit of an odd post. Sorry about the length.

I write poems. Over the last couple of years, I wrote a number of poems which I sent to a publisher, and which will be published soon as a book. Some (well, quite a few) of these poems are, well, love poems "about" my DP - some are "happy" love poems, others describe the ups and downs of a relationship. I should say that these poems are in no way scandalous or gossipy or outrageous. I think they are objectively fairly good, though (that is, during the rare times when I don't feel I'm the crappiest writer on earth, which is most of the time).

I showed most of the poems to my DP some time ago. He read them, and said that he couldn't give an opinion on them, as he didn't feel qualified to judge poetry, and moreover, he was too close to the subject matter. He said that he was embarrassed by being the focus of attention in this way and by being written about. Which is fair enough, in my view: it can't be easy. I asked thim if this - my writing poems - would be a problem, and he said that no, not at all.

So I told him recently that the book is going to get published, and gave him the manuscript so he could take a look - I was willing to change or remove any bits he felt uncomfortable with. He has told me that personally, he wouldn't publish it, because he doesn't like to talk about his life, and he only does things he knows he is good at, and he knows nothing about poetry (which is not true, but anyway). But that if it makes me happy and I will feel proud to publish it, he'll be very happy for me.

It's not possible to identify my DP from the poems: only someone who knew both of us well would be able to recognise some aspects of our lives. I have reassured him that this is my "secret" life, and no one in our professional lives (we work together) will know about it. And again, it's not as if the poems talk about incest, rape, or murder.

I know that he is uneasy about this, and can perfectly understand it. And he's happy for me despite his unease (he's a really, really good man). A friend told me that he will probably realise that he is also flattered in the future (the book is dedicated to him, although his name is not mentioned, and the dedication is written in a (very) minority language).

And yet I feel I've done a horribly intrusive thing.

Have I?

I think you have to take him on face value ie. that he's happy for you to publish and he's proud of your achievement. You appear to have handled it sensitively and he's only uneasy rather than anything more serious. As for ideas of intrusion, it's a writer's job to observe. I think it was Nora Ephron's mother Phoebe Wolkind that said 'Take notes. Everything is copy'. Good advice

I have been referred to in two different family members' publications (a book, newspaper columns and music lyrics which turned into a music video). I don't like it. I wish they would leave me out of it. I feel used.

Wow congratulations! What a wonderful achievement

Definitely go ahead and publish. Your words and thoughts are your own, regardless of who inspired them. I think you may regret it in the future if you don't.

Personally I would be horrified.
It would feel like people could pay to see into my soul.
As an introvert this would upset me greatly.
However I understand that others think differently and as your man has given tacit permission I would go ahead.
(Prays to all my gods DH does not decide to express himself in verse)

This isn't about any of us, you and he can answer that.

Is there a reason why you don't believe him when he says he trusts your opinion and on the whole he's happy for you despite having reservations?

Thank you for your views. I know he is happy for me despite his unease, and I know he will never reproach me (and, as I said, I have made sure that no one can identify him. And I'm sure that not many people will read the book - hardly anyone reads poetry).

I suppose I'm trying to reassure myself that I'm not doing anything wrong (I certainly never meant to hurt him in any way - rather the complete opposite). I know that it cannot be easy to be the object of this kind of attention. And I think that on some level he must feel flattered. Only it's, well, embarrassing too.

I suppose I will just give hims a copy of the book when it comes out and not talk about it unless he brings it up. Thanks again.

You're not doing anything wrong. You have not made him so identifiable that it will have an impact on his life should people who know him read the book.
All writers write about the people they know, and unless what is written is identifying or actually slanderous, the people written about basically have to suck it up.

Good luck with the poetry book.