Suspect cheating husband

[Jenice]

I am lost. DH went out on Thursday and never came home until 6am. I woke at 3am and worried until he came in the door. When I asked him where the hell he had been he gets all pissed off and says that he fell asleep at his friends house after a major session and that I was being unreasonable cos he never does this normally. He then says I can ask his friend if I don't believe him. Then he takes his jacket off to get undressed for bed and his tee shirt is on inside out! So I then point this out and tell him he is lying and not to bother getting into bed. No sleep from then on and I decide I am going to call in sick to work cos I feel like crap. He then says he has lied to me and that he was at a hotel with people I don't know drinking and having a laugh which involved taking his tee shirt off and on. Really!! I was speechless. So I phone in and then take the kids to school and nursery but on the way back home realise that I don't want to be in the same house as him cos he has a few days off for a sporting competition he is taking part in. Get home and go to work without talking. When I get home he is back out at the competition which is darts so again stays out until pub closes but then when he gets home I have deliberately let the kids sleep in with me so he has to sleep in their bed. Today was another morning of not talking unless necessary. The only mention was when he said I don't know what you think but I refused to discuss with the children within earshot. Then he goes out to darts again and won't be home until the pub shuts later.

I am gutted and don't know where this goes from here. I can't tell anyone cos I am humiliated and that has been further confounded by him still continuing to go out as if he'll fix it when the competition is finished. Obviously that is more important. I can't bear the thought of breaking up and the impact that will have on the kids but I can't live like this. He has been playing darts and golf every second weekend and drinks enough to sink a battleship while he is out. Who knows what goes on and clearly he thinks his friends will lie for him. I feel like we have been broken. Can cope while the kids are awake cos they keep me occupied but feel like someone has kicked me in the guts since they went to bed. All advice welcome.

He's lying

You should trust your instincts Imo

Didn't want to read and run, there doesn't tend to be many people around at this time of the morning.
You deserve to be treated with respect. Does he have a history of similar behaviour?

He has a history of drinking enough that his judgement gets impaired but who knows what goes on when he is out. I am devastated but glad to say it to someone even if it in an anonymous forum.

The t shirt excuse sounds like bullshit to me. Does he acknowledge that he has a drinking problem?

I can still remember that kicked in the guts feeling years later. Your instincts are right including coming here for support x

It sounds as though the all-nighter with the inside out t-shirt is the tip of a much bigger iceberg rather than an isolated incident. You seem to be saying that his behaviour is generally poor, he's not engaged with the family or with you, and his friends/drinking/'sport' (pub games) all take priority. This is leading to resentment and suspicion.

Doesn't sound like talking is an option at the moment. Suggest spending some time apart to think.

What do I do next? I am dreading tomorrow as we will all be in the house and I have to pretend to the kids that everything is fine.

He doesn't think he has a drink problem because he doesn't drink the rest of the time, not even one beer. I tried once before to say that having a drink problem is different to being an alcoholic, it means that drinking is causing problems whatever form that may be because it is impacting on our marriage but he doesn't accept that. What do I know?

What do you want to happen next? He's never going to acknowledge he's in the wrong or that his alcohol intake is causing problems. He's unlikely to volunteer to get help or leave the home. You're going to have to be the one that takes the initiative and I would suggest it doesn't involve anything like pretending or keeping quiet if you want to see real change.

Please confide in someone IRL rather than thinking you have to shoulder this entirely alone

All I can think about is how this situation could damage my children. Not sure who to talk to because I am a paint a smile on it type of person and don't find it easy to show a chink in my armour to anyone except dh and my mum but could never tell her.

Which situation damages your family more do you think? His current behaviour patterns and attitude or the prospect of ending the marriage? Plastering on a smile is always an option, of course, but the person that will most benefit from your silence is him.

That is the question I am struggling with. He knows how important family life is to me and is clearly using that to his advantage. I had better go to bed now before he gets home so I can pretend to be asleep. What a mess. Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it.

I think you know what went on but the reality is that you must either confront your fears and deal with the situation proactively, or you must fool yourself that you believe him and live with the situation because you are afraid of doing anything else.

Either way you will be scared but being proactive will lead you and your children on to a better life.

Put the kids in front of the tv or in another room and talk to him honestly. He lied to you (said he was at a friend's when he was at a hotel with "people he didn't know" taking his t-shirt off(!!)). He's put his darts ahead of making time to talk to you about your marriage. Now you've had enough and you want xyz... What do you want? Him to leave? Him to change (specify how exactly - what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't). If you paint a smile on at this point, all you're doing is setting yourself up for a very unhappy few years until you are finally too fed to carry on and leave. Save yourself a few years and either try to fix it or get rid now. You probably need an honest talk and some time to help you decide which.

he was at a hotel with people I don't know drinking and having a laugh which involved taking his tee shirt off and on

And the moon is made of green cheese.

Even if it were true however it wouldn't matter because he's clearly a self-absorbed inconsiderate twat who thinks he's more important than anyone else.

I'd put his shit in bin backs in the front garden and lock and bolt the doors, frankly.

Twat.

Ok start with the basic facts.

He is a liar. You know is a liar. He told you he slept at his mates after a bender.

This was his first lie.

Now he stayed at a hotel with people your don't know. They played a game that meant him getting undressed.

Why after the first lie would this be the truth?

Sort all your documents. See a solicitor and find out where you stand if you separat. You may not need it but knowedge is power and lack of fear of what may happen is very strong.

Then sorry get down to the clinic for STI tests.