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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

40 minutes and counting

11 replies

CrystalSkull · 31/01/2015 22:45

I'm upstairs and DP is on the computer downstairs. I had told him several times today that I'd be up for sex tonight, but it's been 40 minutes and he hasn't come up. We haven't had sex yet this year! We are both in our twenties and have no DCs. He is perfect in every other way but just doesn't seem to fancy me. We were rampant in the beginning (3 years ago) but it dwindled very quickly. So as not to drip feed, I was raped right at the start of our relationship (not by DP!) and as a result, contracted genital herpes. I am often too unwell to have sex, but right now, I'm fine! Will this ever improve?

OP posts:

Original poster

CrystalSkull · 31/01/2015 23:02

He's just come up after exactly one hour, and told me he's too tired. I feel like crying. I cannot remember the last time he initiated it.

OP posts:

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 23:05

Have you spoken to him and let him know it's bothering you?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 23:06

Also, how did you 'let him know'? Sorry to ask but the wording makes it seem quite clinical rather than seductive.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 23:10

Has it happened a lot over the last year?

What happens if you initiate it, but more spontaneously, without telling him several times during the day?
Could he have performance anxiety?
Could he be the one with a physical problem?

Original poster

CrystalSkull · 31/01/2015 23:11

Yes - I have told him and he got upset but didn't offer any explanation. Earlier in the day there was flirting, suggestion, etc - definitely not clinical - and he seemed excited. We always have lots of flirting and cuddles, but it hardly ever goes further!

OP posts:

VixxFace · 31/01/2015 23:18

Does he have it now as well?

Jackw · 31/01/2015 23:58

Cry, tell him why, keep crying, keep telling him why, then talk about what his problem is, listen, then talk about what he/both of you are going to do about it. Don't just let this go, get it sorted out now, get help, counselling if you can't sort it out between you. You've had a horrendous experience and he's probably finding it hard to deal with too but you both don't deserve to have your lives spoilt by this. Insist he talks to you and get help if you need to.

Original poster

CrystalSkull · 02/02/2015 21:17

I'm now feeling a bit stronger and want to return to this thread.

VixxFace - if by 'it' you mean herpes, yes he does have it. He probably caught it from me but never blamed me. In fact, he stayed up with me all night several times when I was really ill with it and couldn't sleep. He has never had another outbreak after the first one.

We had a really good chat about it yesterday and he was very supportive. He reassured me how much he fancies me; he just sometimes worries (with justification!) that he will hurt me. We had sex yesterday evening (initiated by him) and it was fantastic once we got going, though I wasn't really in the mood at first.

Am I delusional to think that this could still work out?

OP posts:

Osirus · 02/02/2015 21:30

I don't see why not, if he is willing to put the effort in, which it sounds like he is.

My DP is similar i.e. he will happily go longer than me without it and it used to really upset me. We talked about it a lot. It was hard at first but I eventually got him to talk about it and now, even though I am still the one with the higher sex drive, we can laugh about it and it really helps. It also helps that we are TTC, so he has to keep up!

Pippin8 · 02/02/2015 21:31

I don't think you are delusional. Are you on suppression therapy for the herpes? I think the fear of him hurting you could be putting him off.

I've often found I have to be very explicit with DH as flirting & cuddles go way over his head.

Lweji · 02/02/2015 21:46

I'd think it could still work, but you both will need to keep communication going and making the effort (not necessarily to have sex, but all kinds of intimacy).

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