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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

baby topic...

12 replies

floatinglight · 31/01/2015 21:58

Dh and I have been married for about 5 years. We were very romantic and passionate in the beginning but our relationship has declined drastically due to MIL issues. dh has started to bring it up more frequently that may be by next year or so we could have a baby. I'm 31 and he is 34. I'm going minimal contact with MIL. She forces herself into our lives (guilt trip husband) and I feel like having a baby will bring new issues into our marriage. He keeps saying that it will get more difficult if I keep delaying it but I feel like I will be so much more vulnerable with a baby. She is very keen to become a grand mother, keeps telling dh who else had a baby in their extended family and keeps asking him about his friends have children. I want a baby too but get cold feet. Not sure I'm asking a question, just wanted to post it.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 31/01/2015 22:00

I think your gut is telling you something.

Pay attention to it. So many of us don't.

thingswesaidtoday · 31/01/2015 22:02

Tread carefully. I ended up pregnant a couple of years ago due to pressure from MIL and OH and it all went very wrong. Ended up having antenatal depression and then a termination.

Don't be pressured into anything only have a baby if it's what YOU want!

mrbob · 31/01/2015 22:13

If you took MIL out of the picture would you want a baby? If so then maybe it is time to do that? Explain to DH that you want a baby with him but if that was to happen there needs to be clear agreements on how it will work with MIL BEFORE conception. Do you live near to MIL and is there any way you can be further away? I think DH has to be willing that you will may go completely NC with his mother if she causes trouble and be completely supportive of you in that. It would be an awful thing to not have a child you both really want because of the influence of someone else

Original poster

floatinglight · 31/01/2015 22:43

Yes we both would otherwise want a baby. Things we agree on with regards to MIL goes out the window when she starts playing victim. So I have my reservations on him standing by our agreements, even though he is always very sure at that time that he can keep her at a distance. Its become like its the obvious next milestone in everyone's life. I can be 'cut off the nose to spite the face' types most of the times. I don't know if I'm all true to myself. Too much confusion in what heart wants and what my brain tells me.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 31/01/2015 23:24

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and a member of two forums one in Aus the other America. Both forums, especially in the early months, where filled with some posts whose mil ...

Announced to everyone the pregnancy before the parents where ready because how selfish that she was expected to keep the secret. One went on to have a miscarriage and was struggling having to tell people she didn't know, but who knew about the pregnancy.

Would constantly refer to the baby as 'my baby'

Would put the mother down constantly. 'Your so big, are you sure your not having twins'

Would throw a fit if they didn't find out the sex. How selfish.

Inform the couple she was moving in when the baby was born to 'help' for 6 months.

Inform the couple that she would be at the birth. Why should the dil mother be there and not her. How selfish.

Demand to know every detail. One even read the mothers medical file. (They moved areas and the old doc sent through the file but the best address was the mil. The mil then opened it, read it and rang the dil to discuss)

I think you need to tell your dh that he either set boundaries now and shows that he can stick to them before you get pregnant. Or it ain't happening. Or move hundreds of miles away.

Original poster

floatinglight · 02/02/2015 11:05

Thanks. I have read there could be more in-law trouble with a baby on scene. Been thinking about it, I feel that husband is really only looking at it as the next obvious thing to do for his age. I have not heard much about being a father or have a family. When I say that he doesn't help out much with housework, how would he help with baby. Sometimes he says he will help, other times he says his mum or my mum can help out. But overall tone is that it is time now to have a baby.

I will hold on till I feel the time is right. But even my family is suspecting that something is wrong in our relationship as its been 5 years since we got married. I feel the pressure specially around anniversaries.

OP posts:

Cornberry · 02/02/2015 15:01

Sounds to me like you are getting lots of thugs mixed up due to overlapping issues. You need to ask yourself two important questions:

Do you want children?
Do you want children with this man?

I don't have an overbearing MIL but my OH does ;) you can't let her put you off having a family. Sounds to me like that's a pretext...

cailindana · 02/02/2015 15:11

You may have a pain in the arse MIL but your real problem is your DH. He refuses to do housework, sees having a baby as an obvious next step rather than actually wanting one and won't set proper boundaries with your MIL. If things don't change and you have a baby with this man you will regret it.

cailindana · 02/02/2015 15:13

It seems from your later post that he has no real interest in being a father - a father doesn't 'help', he parents 50/50. He can't expect your mum to step in for him and he certainly can't expect you to put up with his mother as 'helper.'

Original poster

floatinglight · 02/02/2015 17:09

I know what you mean by 'a father doesn't help but he parents 50/50'. I would like it that way too but I also know that he is workaholic. dh says he will do his part when the baby comes, also lists all help we may have available. But I want to see it to believe it. My husband would rather pay cleaners than to do it himself. I cancelled the service as I felt it was a waste of money since we were sitting at home doing nothing while she cleaned and I could easily save £60 per week. He seems to just hate housework but says that a baby is different. Think he means well but its hard to ignore the facts. I'm okay with him though, its just that where his mum is involved, it gets too much for my liking. Thanks for listening, hope I can have a proper chat with him if he really wants to discuss about having a baby, rather than just implying that its time in one liners.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 02/02/2015 20:29

Maybe give him a year. In that year he needs to research toxic mothers, go to counselling, put up boundaries an stick to them.

He also needs to step up around the house and show he is in partnership with you.

After a year (remembering being a parent is 24/7 for 18, 20 25 years) then you will be open to the idea.

If he can't, you need to reconsider

Meerka · 02/02/2015 20:46

I think your instincts are shouting loud and clear at you.

Yes we both would otherwise want a baby. Things we agree on with regards to MIL goes out the window when she starts playing victim. So I have my reservations on him standing by our agreements,

You're being pressured to the point that you don't feel you wish to have a baby in this circumstance.

Your husband promises to draw lines with his mother and repeatedly doesn't.

he promises to help with various things right now but doesn't.

"Actions speak louder than words".

Your husband's actions and his words are widely apart. I think you need to see firm evidence for some length of time that he can follow through on his fine words because so far, he hasn't at all.

Your instincts are protecting you here.

Flip