So, this Toxic Parents book...

[chicaguapa]

Does it have anything in there about being NC with a parent/ sibling and how to deal with other siblings' resentment towards you for being the one who's responsible for the fragmented family unit?

I know I'm not responsible, but they feel I am even though I point out that my NC is the result of my dad's and sister's behaviour. They are narcs and my dad is a verbal and emotional abusive bully. I'm on the verge, again, of going NC with my whole family as I'm just sick of being treated like I'm the difficult one causing problems for everyone else.

If this isn't covered in this book, can anyone recommend a book that does have something about this in? Thanks.

better to post in the Stately Homes thread on here

I have posted on there before (with a different question) but didn't get any response. I'll try again.

If i recall correctly it doesn't give much info on how to deal with siblings. The informatoin is quite good on how to deal with difficult people generally. Your siblings maybe aren't always difficult, but in this matter they are.

As a short version of how to deal with them, I think that all you can mainly do is keep calm, repeat that this is your decision and that you don't want to discuss it and request them not to keep bringing it up. If life becomes too difficult because they do insist on bringing it up, point out that you don't want to end up distanced from them too but that that is a consequence of having it brought up all the time.

It may be necessary to go NC sadly, but hopefully keeping a firm - but- calm repetition of "please respect my decision, you know my reasons are good, and please avoid bringing it up" may work.

That sounds a tough situation to deal with.

My therapist recommended 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck to help me 'get' scapegoating. I found the book's use of the term 'evil' a bit challenging to start with, but the book did the job.

Now that I've 'got' scapegoating, I see it everywhere. It is such a very common response when a person's integrity or self-image is challenged or threatened. It is a shame that scapegoating isn't more widely discussed.

Hope you find a way through that works for you

Thanks both. I'll check out that book.

I'm basically the recipient of everyone's frustration that because I'm NC with two members of the family it has upset the dynamics.

I'm strong and resolute. But I do struggle with the utter lack of respect from my siblings towards me as a person. For some reason they don't see my dad's behaviour as unreasonable and seem to want me to carry on putting up with the bullying and abuse just so we can have cosy family gatherings. I can only begin to imagine the conversations round the dinner table where my dad and sister both deflect their behaviour onto me.

I am LC with the others but have a funeral and a wedding coming up. There was confusion when I mentioned to my SIL that I was thinking of not going to the wedding and it just showed, yet again, that they just don't get it.

yes, it's very convenient to have a scapegoat isn't it, when things are wrong and the people who are the main problems can't or won't change. Much easier to deflect it onto someone else!

Going to post perfectstorm's lovely summary of families and being treated without respect:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

yes, it's very convenient to have a scapegoat isn't it, when things are wrong and the people who are the main problems can't or won't change. Much easier to deflect it onto someone else!

This is going to be my standard response every time one of my siblings wails about how much they just want us to all get along. Thank you.

Good luck.

I found it really helpful and I have re-read it and found new support re-reading as I am further down the grieving process. The section on alcoholic parents is very similar to narc parents. I have been nc for a year and a half. It is hard but so much better.

I haven't found it hard going NC. It's been nearly 4 years with my dad and 2.5 years with my sister. In both cases there was a straw that broke the camel's back and I haven't looked back. It's extremely liberating. Mainly the realisation that it was their problem all along, not mine.

Hola Chicaguapa I haven't read the book yet but I do empathise about the siblings situation, as I am going through similar stuff.

There is lots of support available from this organisation. They have a Facebook group which I have found a very good support in dealing with issues with my sibling and other things to do with NC/estrangement.

standalone.org.uk/

Suerte!

I meant dealing with the fallout from my abusive childhood is hard. I wish I had a mum and dad that I could enjoy Christmas and birthdays with. Not having to deal with their crap is fantastic!

Yes, the moment of realisation is hard to face as it taints the good memories as well as explaining the bad ones.

Whilst it hurts when you're 'rejected' by your family, I've come round to the way of thinking that the people who love you when they didn't have to (ie non blood relatives) mean more than those who should have but didn't.

I'm just trying to keep hold of my siblings and fight the urge to go NC because of their lack of loyalty towards me and complicity in my dad's abuse. Because I know they do care about me, but they just don't stick up for me or challenge him as they don't want to become targets themselves. They are happy to challenge me though.

I know I'm talked about when they are together and my dad and sister are playing the victims. It hurts that my other 3 siblings just accept this and think I'm just being petty and should just put up with whatever he throws my way. Unfortunately this gives my dad permission to act the way he does and it undermines my own position (well their view of it).

I feel like a puppy being kicked and they all stand around just watching. In doing so it validates my dad's behaviour as it's not like he's doing it secretly. So they'd may as well kick me themselves. Of course there's no point saying any of this to them as they either don't see that he was kicking me, don't want to be kicked themselves or think I'm kicking him by being NC. All in all, it just makes me not want to be around any of them.

Thanks for the link Hola. Will check it out.

Go to the stately homes thread in relationships as there are lots of link to helpful websites and recommended books there, as well as people who understand what you are going through.

Does it have anything in there about being NC with a parent/ sibling and how to deal with other siblings' resentment towards you for being the one who's responsible for the fragmented family unit?

It does a bit, but it's not a large part of the book. In one of the chapters (the one about enmeshed / controlling parents I think - can't remember off the top of my head) there's a short example given about how toxic parents use siblings to 'hoover' their children back in.

However I did find the Toxic Parents book massively helpful when navigating relations with my siblings, if only because it helped me realise how still drawn in they all were, and how to detach. I'd still recommend getting a copy if you can, but probably not on its own - I'd try and find something about siblings too, if you can.

I would imagine on some level they know what he is doing to you. But with out you there, the conversation is going to change from how bad you are to how bad they are.

You were a nice safe barrier to hide behind. Without you they are in the firing line.