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Relationships

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age differences 20+years

12 replies

ghostwritter · 31/01/2015 13:00

I have started seeing a lovely man who has been a friend for 6 years. He is kind, caring, emotionally continent, and I know genuinely loves me. We "click" on all levels. We have the same outlook on the important things. He has adult children, I have infant school age children and we have discussed this and it is not an issue. He is 20 years older than me, (I am mid 30's).
Obviously i know there are potential issues with the opinions of others, and things changing as we both get older, but would I really be crazy to pursue this anyway?
We are both divorced, and are both keen not to repeat mistakes we made in previous relationships and can talk about anything and everything. I am torn between worrying about the future, or dealing with now

OP posts:
punygod · 31/01/2015 13:01

Deal with now. It's all you've got.

Iflyaway · 31/01/2015 13:06

Well, now is all you've got at the moment. No-one knows what the future will bring so no point stressing about it.

If you feel good with each other, who cares what the outside world thinks?
Are they there to help out when you need it? No, thought not.

I have a reverse age-difference relationship (I am older) and it's been going for 9 years almost. We get on great and o.k. I wonder also what the future will hold, but also in a general sense, not just our relationship. But all we have is the here and now and I am enjoying it! He is too! Grin

Tomorrow is promised to no-one, might as well get all you can out of today!

getthefeckouttahere · 31/01/2015 13:16

Well I'm sure it will present challenges but only you can know if you are prepared for them. It is good to consider them all fully. There is always a temptation to think, no one knows what the future brings but this of course is only half true. you can make some general assumptions based on what is the norm. Most people live to a ripe old age. Many will need care as they age. sometimes for many years. Libido often changes with age. etc etc No doubt you have thought of all this and more. But i think you have to make this decision working on these assumptions.

I think the absolutely worst thing to consider in this decision is what other people think. This is your life not theirs.

ohthatsokthen · 31/01/2015 21:49

ditto punygod. my husband is 18 years older and we celebrate 25 years marriage this year. I don't give a shit about what the future may hold am jyst enjoying today x Smile

Quitelikely · 31/01/2015 21:58

My view is 'different ages, different stages'

Fairenuff · 31/01/2015 22:06

It depends whether you are happy to enjoy the 'now' or whether you are looking to the future.

MehsMum · 31/01/2015 22:24

I think this depends on how much you might worry about what the future would hold: if that is likely to make you anxious or drag you down, you need to think the related issues through. That said, anything can happen in the future to any couple.

Above all, don't worry about what other people think: other people can mind their own business until they get used to the idea. Relationships with big age gaps can work brilliantly: I know several couples with gaps of between 15 and 30 years. The ones with the 30 year age gap are incredibly happy and have been since they met about ten years ago.

Whatever you decide, I hope your future is a happy one.

ghostwritter · 01/02/2015 12:07

Thank you all for your responses, its really helpful and calms my worries about it all. No one in RL really knows so needed others feelings.
Quitelikely- I understand what you mean about different stages, but don't think this is entirely age related. Depends on the personalities involved.
I know he makes me very happy, the children really like him and neither of us are ignorant about what the future may bring. But turning down something potentially amazing for what might be hard in the future seems crazy too. Who knows if I will get hit by a bus!

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 01/02/2015 12:37

Depends on the people and personalities involved.

Lets deal with the obvious issue first - its very likely he will die before you. Possibly by a good 20+ years. Yes, I know you could get hit by a bus tomorrow but you have to deal with the most likely outcomes.

This facts means you have to think about the money issues. You may be financially independent. Good for you if you are. If not you both need to spend some time considering the future.

Then you have to consider that you may have a long period at the end of your life when you are alone. Do you think you can cope with that?

Are kids on the cards? Hopefully not, as men in their mid to lates 50s don;t tend to make good parents. Most do not have the energy to raise a child who is almost two generations younger.

My Dad's 15 years older than my Mum. They were OK til he was 70. Then he had a number of health issues - strokes, generally stuff from being 70. My Dad socialises less and less. Some of his mates have now died and he looks to my mum to basically keep him entertained all the time. It is driving my Mum nuts - literally. Some of the behaivour is down to my Dad's personality, which was not obvious when he had a wider circle of friends and interests.

My mum, rather than having a relaxed time in her 60s, having grandkids over and that sort of stuff, is having to entertain my Dad. He kicks off when grandkids turn up and takes attention from him.

My mum has stopped traveling as she finds the price of travel insurance too high.

Frankly, choosing an older partner has made my Mum's old age a miserable and unenjoyable.

Yes, someone in their 50s can be energetic and good fun + company. But most people age rapidly once they get over 70.

Dowser · 01/02/2015 13:02

Wise words here and there and v sad your mum can't have the grandkids over.

Presumably they are his grandkids too.

I personally wouldn't entertain anyone more than a decade older and that would be with the woman older. As I'm at the older end of the spectrum I can see how much I've changed physically and mentally in the last decade and I'm only inmy early 60 s and look after myself too which a lot of men don't.

Enjoy his friendship by all means but I personally would prefer a man at the same stage in life as me.

It definitely is more comforting in older age
The thought of him wanting to listen to mantovani while I still like a bit of prodigy and offspring would fill me with dread ;-)

hereandtherex · 01/02/2015 13:09

Yep his grandkids too.

She does have the GKs over a bit but not as long and as often as she'd like. My Mum really, really likes kids - even teenagers FFS!

My Dad has always liked my mum attention. GK = less attention for him, so he strops - there's no other word for it. The older he's got, the more attention he wants/demands.

My mum is really feeling it now. He used to spend a few hours hnaing out with his mates - they did not mind as they were bachelors + widower. They kept themselves company and gave my mum some space during the day. Then he was no longer able to drive - we took his license off him, being a passenger was too scary. Loosing the car (which he enjoyed driving) and his mates basically left him with nothing to entertain himself with.

He behaves like a spoilt toddler when he does not get enough attention.

I think the best way to summarise aging is that all the annoying, irritating personalty traits become more + more pronounced.

hereandtherex · 01/02/2015 13:15

I should say aging is not linear. Most peoples health falls off rapidly when they over 70.

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