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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

relationship in trouble, any advice? gutted :(

18 replies

Rebecca1608 · 31/01/2015 08:46

Hi, wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm 18 weeks pregnant with twins and due to move in with my OH in a couple of weeks and suddenly feel overwhelmed. We found out early on that I was expecting due to a couple of scares, due to his awkward hours he was unable to be there for me as much as he could have and during this time my father also had a stroke but after discussing finances recently he admitted he hadn't really saved much money as he'd been going out a lot. On the other hand I'd saved a fair bit and have also bought a lot of baby things with help from my mum also. I feel like it has put a massive strain on our relationship and I'm starting to resent him as I feel on my own. We no longer Kiss and cuddle. Sex is once a week because we feel we need to. We don't do much together or go anywhere anymore. There's more tension on my behalf than laughter. I feel sad inside because I feel like I'm moving in with a room mate who will help me bring up the children. I do love him and we've only been together over a year but how do we get passed this? Am I being unfair?!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 09:04

so many difficult things to deal with in one go.

Are you currently living together? What are your current arrangements? I'm asking because I wonder if it would be easier to live apart and not entwine your finances. Perhaps it is a case of accepting that you're going to be co-parents rather than a couple?

Original poster

Rebecca1608 · 31/01/2015 09:33

I'm living with my parents and he's with his. Due to my dad having a stroke my mum is his main carer at the moment and have asked me to leave as they couldn't cope having kids there. We're moving into a house we can afford together but not by myself. I love and care for him but over the last couple of months have had nothing in return I'd like to work at it but how

OP posts:

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 09:38

How can you work at it? I mean, any more than you already are? With what you said about savings, it sounds to me as though he's the one not working at the relationship.

If I was you, I'd explore other options. Try out the entitledto website, and also find out how much maintenance you could expect from your babies' father.

Drumdrum60 · 31/01/2015 11:19

I'm not sure why you wanted to bring a baby into all this. You had previous scares so I don't understand. It sounds like the pressure and commitment is putting him off your relationship. Doesn't look good.
Have you any other options?

Balletballyflats · 31/01/2015 11:25

Drumdrum60 how very unhelpful.

Original poster

Rebecca1608 · 31/01/2015 11:35

It wasn't a planned pregnancy and there was nothing wrong with our relationship at the time we got on great. I don't agree with terminations (personally) so we spoke about it and we AGREED to keep a child then found out we were having twins and to be honest I don't doubt how he'll be as a Dad as he's great with children the thread is more about how to save my relationship with someone I love rather than how I will bring my children up. Thankyou but if you have nothing nice or helpful to say you shouldn't have shared anything. Thanks for the other nicer comments though

OP posts:

Balletballyflats · 31/01/2015 11:42

I have twins and its VERY HARD. But you can do it and you can do it alone if you have to.

In your slippers I'd;

Join TAMBA. They have loads of useful info including stuff about relationships.

Book a couple of sessions with Relate and do your damndest to make him go. And if he won't, go alone.

Find your local Twinsclub and see will he go for a drink with some other men who have been through this

Consider getting your own place for just you and your babies, and get some clear idea of how you'll cope if it breaks down completely with your man.

The more independent and sorted you are, the less pressure on him, the more he is likely to step up to his responsibilities.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/01/2015 11:49

Definitely prepare yourself for bringing up your twins alone. It's far better to be single than to be trying to look after young babies with an unhelpful man in the house who is more a source of extra work than a source of support.

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 12:30

The more independent and sorted you are, the less pressure on him, the more he is likely to step up to his responsibilities.

Yes, and the more stable your life is, and that of your children and the more choices you will have.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2015 12:44

So many things happening all at once. Tbh unplanned twins are very scary. The female pretty much has to get on with it and get sorted. Men are more able to have wobbles and doubts. Talking is paramount here. Agree with all the above but if the relationship is fundamentally good you can survive this.

With so much happening is there any fun at the moment? Even watching a lighthearted film or a nice walk out? It's so important to not just focus on the big stuff to the extent that all the joy gets sucked out. Try to reconnect. Tell him how you feel and allow him his doubts and fears. Then try to make it work together. Only one person making it work can't be successful.

Are his parents local and helpful? Do foster that if you can plus anyone else you can think of. Many challenges ahead but not necessarily alone.

Good luck

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 13:25

Your advice appears to be that she's female so needs to suck it up, but he's male so is allowed wobbles and to express his fears and doubts

Original poster

Rebecca1608 · 31/01/2015 13:44

Yes, most of the fun has been sucked out of our relationship because all we've spoken about recently are kids and the house we're moving into but even when he does try and hug me or give me a kiss I don't make the effort because I resent him for what he hasn't done to support me. He's never been romantic with flowers or what have you but I've never cared. I just want to get the fun back and him to get his arse into gear.

OP posts:

ashaaima · 31/01/2015 17:29

dont keep it all in.talk shout scream or whatever you feel like doing ,but put a period on him.what is he 5?

ashaaima · 31/01/2015 17:31

go on girl tell him .your his boss for life.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2015 17:41

not saying it's fair, Vivacia. it's a fact though that men can and do get cold feet during pregnancy. Some run but a lot do pull themselves together and step up.

Let us hope that is the case here.

nb former midwife and have seen it happen quite a few hundred times.

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 17:45

Fair enough. It's not my experience (which is less than yours) and I don't think it's supportive to the OP. I think it suggests that she should have unhelpfully low expectations of her boyfriend.

Coyoacan · 31/01/2015 18:18

Don't move in with him at the moment, OP. I think you need to know him more before making such a drastic decision. Does your mum know that you not certain about this relationship?

Original poster

Rebecca1608 · 31/01/2015 18:50

No she doesn't because everyone is so excited and think everything is peachy creamy. They just want me out of the house really and where I live the council offers me no help so it was either hostel until I build up points for a house or private rent because I'm due in 18 weeks So I chose the latter. I'm seeing him tonight though I told him I wasn't going to he sussed something was up so we're gonna talk about things later.

OP posts:

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