It will always be my fault, always..

[eeyoreandpooh]

Hello, I have posted a few times,back again:) I left my stbx 18months ago, one of the biggest problems I had was that he made everything my fault - everything, he accepted responsibility for nothing and still now anything that doesn't suit him he blames me - he has told the dcs it was my fault we left because I called the police, not his fault now there is another issue he is laying blame with me over (he mucked up over seeing dcs) but he is advising dcs it was my fault, not his. I am trying to ignore it, be a grown up, not engage in any discussions or arguments with him - after all what's the point? but it does infuriate me, am I dealing with it the right way? How do any of you cope with this sort of thing? Thank you for reading,feel better having just written it down:)

Hello, I'm sorry to read of your situation, I'm afraid I don't really have any experience of what you're going through but noticed you'd had no replies yet and wanted you not be alone here.
Are your children old enough yet to know he's mucking you about and being a dick? X

Stop believing him. He doesn't get to decide what is and isn't your fault. He can (unfortunately) say what he likes to the kids and maybe they will believe him. All you can do is calmly contradict him with them where there's evidence to support you (depending on their ages). I'd be tempted to phrase it as 'I think dad's remembering it wrongly, actually I [x]'.

You need to be limiting your contact with him - why is this being discussed at all?

My XH is exactly like this. Everything is my fault, his affair, me calling the police, even things that happen between him and other people I have never met. He goes round saying this to everyone he knows I have no idea what they think or if they believe him. The very worst thing is when they say these things to the DC and mess with their heads. My DS tends to believe him because he is so convincing and also because he discusses things which I wouldn't discuss anyway like his affair. I hope that with maturity he will see through the lies and there are signs that is starting to happen.

I think you are doing the right thing trying not to engage. When my XH does this I normally just repeat 'that has nothing to do with me' or 'I'm not responsible for your behaviour' but that does make him angry. Unfortunately I think he will not stop until he has a new relationship which goes wrong then he will start blaming her instead.

Hopefully others will come along with some good advice as apart from engaging as little as possible I don't know what else you can do.

They are seeing for themselves, which is good but when he sees them and starts insinuating blame on me and saying things he shouldn't say it mixes them up and they get upset, although I think deep down they know but I suppose like me they find it hard. I start doubting everything but I know what's right and I am trying so hard to hold on to that, it's just maintaining the mindset and trying to ignore him - not easy!!

You just have to keep going. You have the truth on your side. If or when your DC are old enough to know you had to call the police on their DF, they will also know that violence is not allowed in their home and you are there to keep them safe. They will see him for the berk that he is. They will see through him. Eventually. Meanwhile, grit your teeth. You did the right thing leaving.

You just have to accept that he will always blame you and live with it, I'm afraid. Not engaging in discussions is absolutely the right thing to do, and if you can maintain a dignified silence about it with your children they will work out who is the mature parent and who is the one whinging about trivialities from the past. Its hard to bite your tongue and its not fair that you have to, but it is definitely the way to go. If you have to say anything to the children, it could be that it is not fair to burden them with grown ups problems. You weren't happy that living with them was the way to give them the best and happiest start in life so you did the best you could to improve things. Focus on positives, tell them their dad is still upset at the moment but he will adjust eventually. Don't say anything negative about him, just that the split needed to happen and he needs time to adjust. You can repeat that for as long as he keeps going over and over past events which have been resolved by you leaving. As they get a bit older, if its still going on (16 years since we split and mine is still going strong apparently!) you could say to the kids its a shame he just can't move on, but they will be able to see for themselves.

Living with him was the best start, not them!

Thank you for your replies - the children know why the police were called, they saw it, it's him justifying his behaviour and it confuses them. I will carry on as I am and ignore him - yes, I know the truth, I am not a liar by any means, he is

tell him next time, those who make no mistakes make nothing at all.

Turn his stupid reasoning back on him

I am trying to leave my abusive partner everything is my fault fro, him missing the baby's birth he dissaperd off the face of the earth how's that my fault I know it's not but I still struggle to believe it just don't know how these men are so oblivious

I have some problems with this sort of behaviour. I have been assured by all friends with separate parents that they very quickly learned. Especially with childish 'it wasn't my fault you made me' type whiney bollocks. They have all said they recognised that crap quite early. Because, of course, as children they get called on it. Calmly repeat to your children about taking responsibility for their own actions and decisions. They will, I am told, see who the grownup is

You can't really legislate for other people's lies. If his go to response is to blame others and never take responsibility then even children will work it out eventually, To nudge that process along it's perfectly OK to tell children that Dad gets things wrong or makes things up. You could even tell them the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf..... how it's important to be truthful.

In the meantime, cover your arse. Commit as much as possible to e-mail rather than verbal agreements.

The economic crash of 2008 was my fault.

You won't believe this yet, but it starts to become funny. They are SO ludicrous. The amount of magical powers and stuff they bestow actually make us some kind of superhero. It is bizarre. And once you start seeing the insanity for what it is, it gets funnier and funnier. And once it's funny, it has no power over us.

Children can work this out. They know where the love is.