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Original poster

What would you genuinely think of these messages?

25 replies

LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:12

I suspect I'm overreacting.

Yesterday I mentioned to DP that I didn't mind if he went to the pub after work today. He said yeah, his old team were off out so that would be great.

Firstly I'm annoyed that 'pub after work' is translated in his head as 'big night out and coming home at 2am'.

I just saw a few messages between DP and a woman he used to work with. A woman who I know for sure he used to fancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:15

Posted too soon.

DP: Hey
OW: Hi :) And there was me thinking you were ignoring me!
DP: No, don't be daft!
OW: Are you out Friday night? (meaning tonight).

Would this cause any of you any concern? Or is it a perfectly innocent exchange?

There is tonnes of back story but I don't feel strong enough to post it all.

OP posts:
FriendlyAppleEater · 30/01/2015 17:22

Both of these issues depend on context
The text first - it's definitely flirty isn't it. Could be innocent but if he used to fancy her then it's a bit dangerous flirting like that. Scope for feelings to return or misinterpretation etc, why bother.
I went out for a couple of pints last night with the work lot and got absolutely obliterated, home at 4am. I was wondering for a split second if you were my DP! DP Doesn't mind as I don't do it very often apart from exactly the same time last week coincidentally. Normally it's 5-6 times a year. If he does it a lot it's more of an issue but I think it's important in a relationship to have independent social lives and it can do a man good to cut loose occasionally

getthefeckouttahere · 30/01/2015 17:23

How do you know that it will translate into a 2am job? If you suspected it and it bothered you perhaps you could have mentioned it.

The texts with the girl mean nothing in the absence of the backstory.

Clearly things aren't right. It feels as if theres an element of you giving him 'permission' to go out, which i think is odd. But now he's broken some unknown rule about how long this permission was for.

It all sounds just a bit odd to me?

CaramelPie · 30/01/2015 17:23

Does he need your permission to go out?

PurpleSwift · 30/01/2015 17:25

Solely those messages i'd think nothing of it. Clearly they're not in close contact and it seems like chit chat.

Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:25

No he doesn't do it very often and I genuinely don't have a problem with him going out. He's an adult. I'm not his keeper.

BUT he has form for behaving like a grade a arsehole when drunk. Last time he tried to get in bed with DD, refused to sleep on the sofa, got right up in my face being venomous and horrible to me and puked for half an hour Hmm . I posted about it on here at the time.

I wouldn't have these issues if he a) always came home when he said he was going to and b) didn't come home in a hideous state.

OP posts:
lemisscared · 30/01/2015 17:27

It would bother me! and its not about permission, its about respecting the other person enough to check if they want to stay at home, presumably looking after the kids whilst the other is out on the piss. My DP never goes out and i go out once in a blue moon, its never an issue but i always check with DP first just in case hell has frozen over and he has plans.

FriendlyAppleEater · 30/01/2015 17:30

Doesn't sound v nice but you can't expect a drunk person to come home at a prescribed time, it's just not realistic

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2015 17:30

Those texts are flirty and she will be out with him tonight, sorry.

Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:30

He doesn't need my permission.

But to be honest I think it's the decent thing to check with a partner that they don't mind you going out before you make plans. As well as DD we have a small baby who is currently teething. Some days are horrendous for me and I wouldn't hesitate to tell DP to come home to help me out/give me a break.

I have no social life at all and we can't go out together so I suspect the resentment/jealousy I feel about that makes me irrational sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:33

Friendly I don't expect him home at a set time.

I go to bed and leave the key under the pot outside.

I have been woken up by him banging into furniture and puking (hardly fair on DD to be woken and see that). I have also woken up more than once to find he hasn't come home at all.

90% of the time he's a dependable trustworthy good partner. I hate that occasionally he's a thoughtless prick.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 30/01/2015 17:33

lemis - but she has told him he can go out. Does he have to check that she really really meant it?

Well i assume that after the last incident you talked about it and made your feelings clear. Have you gently reminded him that you don't want a repeat of last time?

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 17:39

I couldn't be with someone who came home in that state - but to come home like that and be venomous to you too as well, that is horrid. Sounds very frightening for you and your children. Nope - I would not him a leave a key out for that sort of carry on.

Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:41

alabaster luckily DD hasn't been woken by him yet.

It is out of character but it still happens. He tries to minimise it but he doesn't remember how he acts when drunk. I do. And I feel my respect and love for him diminish evey single time it happens.

OP posts:
ashaaima · 30/01/2015 17:41

wow.no way i would let him go anywhere like that.you got rights too.so stand up and tell him how you really feel about everything and that you wont have it in your relationship like that.
ooh i wouldnt take that.i mean how would he feel if you would do something like that ha?.

Jellymum1 · 30/01/2015 17:43

im sorry op i would not like it and would be worried too :( i hope you arent too stressed tonight while you wait for him to come home. (i also understand what its like to have a back story that makes you worry/paranoid :( )

Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 17:46

Thank you Jelly.

I was never a jealous or anxious type. I hate that I now am Sad .

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 30/01/2015 17:57

Nothing in the OP would bother me if it was my dh - but he just wouldn't be texting someone he used to fancy about going out with them! Also if was going out til 2am or staying out etc, he'd say that. I think context/back story is everything here. 90% of the time he's a good partner and trustworthy?! That's beyond shit tbh. What the hell is he doing the 10% of the time? And why (doesn't love you, no respect for you, just a terrible/lazy/selfish person?).

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 17:58

I think this is less about worrying about him being unfaithful and more about him coming home drunk and angry?

Original poster
LeslieKnope · 30/01/2015 18:03

TRex I do genuinely believe he loves me and respects me. That's what makes this even more infuriating. If he was an out and out twat I'd have got rid years ago.

He seems to have a rogue thoughtless trait that only comes out occasionally. He works hard and supports us. He's a great Dad. He's kind and thoughtful and generous.

I am not going to let myself get worked up tonight. I have turned off my mobile and the house phone. I'm going to have dinner with my DD and then once she's in bed I going to stick a film on.

I'm not responsible for his behaviour and I don't have to accept it. If he goes off radar or comes home rotten tonight I'll be seriously reassessing the relationship.

OP posts:
Nomama · 30/01/2015 18:03

Well, you have tomorrow and Sunday to let him know how much he has damaged your feelings for him...

..if he really remembers nothing you could tell him he told you all about her, everything... and see how he reacts! OK, maybe not, too far, no matter how angry you are! But you can definitely wait until he is almost feeling human and let him know what harm he has done this time, calmly, no emotion, let him stew on it.

Then see what he says and what action that turns into!

Back2Two · 30/01/2015 18:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Vivacia · 30/01/2015 18:47

If he goes off radar or comes home rotten tonight I'll be seriously reassessing the relationship.

Have you actually clearly, clearly, told him your expectations? Did you talk after last time (I remember your thread)?

fluffyraggies · 31/01/2015 09:24

How are you OP?

Koalafications · 31/01/2015 09:41

How are you feeling today, OP?

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