Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What are my options?

22 replies

Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 16:37

Following on from another thread on the board, I split up from my very long term partner after over ten years, OW! Sad

It's taken me three years to get over it, so now I find myself at 39 with no real relationship and now dc.

Over the last year or so I found myself really wanting a child, my mum had me when she was forty in the seventies and I have had a couple if terminations before I met my partner so I know I am fertile, but for how much longer?

I am seeing a mr right now guy, who I really needed for my self esteem and confidence I waited a long time until I did date again until I was ready, but I am now acutely aware that I need to do something now if I want a child.

What are my options, and can anyone give me some positive rl experiences?

Thx you!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 16:50

It's something to discuss with your boyfriend. If you want a child but not the ties of being in a long term relationship you might be able to reach a compromise. If he's not keen to go along with it there's the option of finding a sperm donor.

Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 16:59

He has said that he would like dcs with me but not straightaway.

I'm also not sure whether he is the sort of guy I'd want a child with he is quite immature etc

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:04

Then suggest you don't waste your time. Give this guy the boot and either find someone you like and who wants the same things as you or go it completely alone. I didn't use a sperm donor but have been a lone parent since birth. Best thing I ever did.

FriendlyAppleEater · 30/01/2015 17:32

Maybe give it 5-10 years and see if he grow up
Or try someone else?

Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 17:37

I'm worried that I'll find it so hard alone I haven't got much support from family , but I can't imagine next having a child of my own x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:44

I had no support from family because they all live at the other end of the country. But I was also 35 with a house of my own, decent job, etc. Knew nothing about children, schools, nurseries etc. Learned fast... :) Having no partner might have presented a few challenges but also dispensed with a lot of potential problems.

Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 17:56

I'm exactly the same cog I have got my own home and good job, but I think I would be really on my own day to day iykwim.

It's a massive gamble isn't it? But at 39 I'm nearly out of the game Sad how do you find dating with a lo in tow? I would like a relationship at some point in the next few years!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 18:01

I don't want to look back at 50 longing for a child, I've been in denial really but with 40 looming I can't con myself that I'm still a spring chicken.

I just don't know whether I should put my efforts into finding a relationship with future prospects for the next year or go ahead and ttc, if I don't I'll be 40 nearly 41 and trying, I'm just so worried that I've missed my chance Sad

OP posts:
TheyLearnedFromBrian · 30/01/2015 18:06

Go it alone.

Seriously.

You simply do not have time to find a partner and have a relationship with him of the requisite length to know whether he would be a good father/partner. You just don't.

Your options are to 1. go it alone, or 2. to get pregnant with someone you don't know very well.

The downside of 1 is that you will be doing it alone. Money and home security lightens that load a lot (and you have that), so good. The remaining downside is that it is you doing it alone.

The potential downsides of 2, however, are far worse. You could end up alone anyway, or worse, you could end up with someone lazy, selfish, or abusive. You could end up doing the work alone anyway, and carrying a feckless partner too, who you're now tied to for good. Regardless, you'll have to compromise with this partially unknown quantity on how you raise your child (and his even less known family, etc.).

Of course, you could end up with a gem. But doing it alone you could still end up with a gem - and the lack of panic in finding the gem means you're more likely to end up with him - your child just won't be his.

Having seen some of the horror stories on here, I would in your position go it alone right now, before you are too old, and then take time, without the pressure, to find a good relationship.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 30/01/2015 18:07

And I know a couple of people who are indeed in their 50s and regret not having a child/children. It's not good.

Go for it. If you want a baby, prioritise it NOW. You really should.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 18:20

I don't tow the lo along with the dating. :) I have a healthy social life and a great love life which took me some time to develop but I treated that as an acceptable sacrifice for having my DS. I had 35 years prior to his arrival doing entirely my own thing.... I've not missed out. I don't have a permanent partner but I don't see that as any great handicap

Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 18:27

The going it alone part worries me what if I got sick or couldn't work? I would have no one to share the load with, I also don't think my family would approve, but I'm
39 FFs!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 30/01/2015 18:29

Grin cog

How you find things day to day caring for ds doesn't it get you down being on your own?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 30/01/2015 18:52

If you really want a child then I wouldn't be waiting around with a man who doesn't want DC's with you straightaway, you cant take the chance he may actually mean never.

Go it alone, there are lots of us who have dont this, its not as daunting as you may think

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 19:40

Doesn't get me down in the slightest. If you know you're doing everything 100% you get on with it and you manage the schedule, so it works for you. There's no resentment that some 'DP' hasn't done a night feed or given you a lie in or cooked dinner because they don't exist. Sure, when you're full of a cold at 5am on Sunday morning and your lovely baby is bouncing around demanding breakfast then you might feel a little hard done by but it's not for ever.

He's 15 this year. Those days seem long ago.

Lndnmummy · 30/01/2015 20:00

I would make an appointment for fertility testing to give you an indication of where your body is at. But prioritise it now if you want a child. You do not have the luxury of waiting (said in the nicest way frm somone who doesnt either).

Cabrinha · 30/01/2015 20:09

If you can afford it, I'd consider getting eggs frozen. No guarantee they will work later on, but at your age, the younger the eggs the better. Then at least you have a back up whilst you think about it.

Then either go it alone with a clinic sperm donor, or date ruthlessly. No messing about. I don't mean settle quickly with the wrong man, but not to waste time on Mr Right Nows. Be ruthless in how quickly you move on if they're not right. My opinion on why it is hard to find someone, is that it is partly because we spend so long pissing about with ones we know deep down aren't right!

shaska · 30/01/2015 20:26

I'm not a lone parent but I was raised by one, in a situation very similar to Cogito's and I'm 100% certain that my mum would say exactly what she has said.

I had such a happy childhood, and yes, there were times when mum must've been out of her mind with exhaustion or wanted to send us back to the shop, but I also know she'd do it all again in a heartbeat. An awful lot of women who thought they'd be raising kids in a partnership end up doing it alone anyway, as well. Having a partner to begin with is no guarantee of anything.

If you want to do it, do it. Fine thing for me to say, with no kids, but oh well!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 20:34

I used to listen to friends, family and other mums at various groups complaining about their partners not lifting a finger, getting things wrong, getting in the way etc.... Then they'd say something like 'poor you having to manage all by yourself' and I'm sure the irony was completely lost on them. :)

Twinklestein · 30/01/2015 20:38

I think having a baby alone would be easier than with an immature man - in that case you've actually got 2 kids rather than one.

In your situation I'd be considering Scandinavian sperm banks rather Mr Make Do.

MeganBacon · 30/01/2015 22:27

Another one here voting for go it alone. I did a similar thing myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. If you have the finances and the determination, you can do it.

Original poster
Oncebitten12 · 31/01/2015 00:09

Thank you all so much for your advice, I suppose going it alone is something Im just not programmed to do, but if this is something I really want I agree I have to go for it.

I've got form for staying in realtionships which I know aren't right, part fear part stubbornness, so I've have to really change my attitude if I was to take dating seriously.

My mr right now is staying the night, lovely guy but simply not someone I could see a long term future with.....

It seems do daunting to go it alone, but I really do want a baby....

How accurate are fertility tests? And does anyone know how much egg freezing is? Thx you

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page