Xmas lunch with playground mums, would you go

[JustAnOutsiderNow]

What if you were really friendly with everyone for a couple or so years and then as time goes by, friendships, acquaintances slacken off, even practically cease to exist, would you still be bothered to go to the mums xmas lunch, especially when you know that some of them still get together without you? Dilema, should I go or not.

absolutely!! if you have been invited do go and reacquaint yourself...!

I would go. I like our playground Mums. If you liked them before then it should be ok I think.

I would go - it's how you find out what's going on.

no but am busy and grumpy

not if you think you won't have fun, lifes too short

Yup

I would go.

takes two to tango...they might be wondering why you never get together or call them..etc...

i am really proactive in maintaining friendships....i often organise things and tend to be the one that is asked' what we doing next week?'

people are often happy for someone else to do the organising..so if no-one does it...it just doens;t happen...doesn;t mean they have fallen out or don';t want to be friends...

Gosh your all in agreement, that makes me question my reasons for doubt. Bit more background. I was always hanging out with a group then a couple of nasty things happened (honestly not my fault) and I was incredibly upset by lack of support that I just kept away from everyone, even though some of the group knew the truth about the issues they still 'stuck' with everyone and I felt all alone and so I kept away. Now the person who bullied me has left and the atmosphere is easier but I still have'nt got 'back in' with the group and I know they go out without me. Thats why I wonder to myself should I be bothered to go or not. They are inviting ANY of the mums in our year who are free so its not like they are making a special effort over me.

Gosh your all in agreement, that makes me question my reasons for doubt. Bit more background. I was always hanging out with a group then a couple of nasty things happened (honestly not my fault) and I was incredibly upset by lack of support that I just kept away from everyone, even though some of the group knew the truth about the issues they still 'stuck' with everyone and I felt all alone and so I kept away. Now the person who bullied me has left and the atmosphere is easier but I still have'nt got 'back in' with the group and I know they go out without me. Thats why I wonder to myself should I be bothered to go or not. They are inviting ANY of the mums in our year who are free so its not like they are making a special effort over me.

Gosh your all in agreement, that makes me question my reasons for doubt. Bit more background. I was always hanging out with a group then a couple of nasty things happened (honestly not my fault) and I was incredibly upset by lack of support that I just kept away from everyone, even though some of the group knew the truth about the issues they still 'stuck' with everyone and I felt all alone and so I kept away. Now the person who bullied me has left and the atmosphere is easier but I still have'nt got 'back in' with the group and I know they go out without me. Thats why I wonder to myself should I be bothered to go or not. They are inviting ANY of the mums in our year who are free so its not like they are making a special effort over me.

well, i wouldn;t split hairs

just go...and remake those friendships - if there is a bullying element in a group, the dynamic is totally changed..now she is gone..bet you'll be welcomed back with open arms....

sadly, most people would have sided with the bully due to their own fears of being ostracised from the group!

Totally agree with Lulumama!! Go!!!!! have fun!!!!

lulumama I hear what you are saying and thanks but I get so upset every time I know they go out without me. I know I shouldn't but it just seems to confirm to me that they feel I am not that important to invite along. Agree the dynamics have changed but still there is 'distance'. I guess it doesn't help that my closest friend is part of that group so I know when they go out. I have'nt asked her about it but I think she tells me because we are close and doesn't want me finding out from a 3rd party if that makes sense.

why don't you talk to her about it...she might have no idea how upsetting this is.....poor you!
if the group dynamic shifted, it might not have shifted back all the way yet..too fully include you..they might not have realised you are feeling like this...might think you didn;t want to be included any more...

Exactly right lulumama but I have discussed this with my friend. She is a different sort to me and just gets on with things, i.e. draw a line under it. The others may or may not know how I feel but I still feel so badly let down by them. Once upon a time I called them friends, friends stick by you no matter what and it is the sheer fact that I was ostracised from the group and no one stuck with me. Tha hurts and quite frankly I don't know if I am Big Enough to forget it. One of the groups husbands actually called me a c**t (no def not my fault) and I got no response from the so called friend at all! If my DH had said that to a friend I would be mortified and full of apology to my friend.

C**t....what a terrible insult...starting to think you would be better to steet clear.....!

give th lunch a go...see how you all get on...and there are many many more people in the world...bet you can find some more frends! who wouldn;t treat you or let their husbands speak about you like that!

Unless someone actually burned your house down/stole your life savings/ate one of your pets, there comes a time when you have to put silly squabbles behind you, so you might well find it fun to go. To an extent, the rest of them may have forgotten all about the quarrel and just assume you are otherwise engaged, so if there are folk you once liked, it might be fun to see them again.

However, if you _ or any of the other folk concerned - are likley to have three bottles of wine and start re-hashing the original dust-up then maybe better not.

hmm it is a tricky one.

I recently met up with an old groups of friends. A couple of whom I had had big fallings out with a few years ago. And others who I just couldn't stand to be around any more.

It went well. It was fun reminising. I will keep in contact with a couple of them - we didn't mention the fallings out, but have just put them in the past. But one of them I will only see at group events. Luckily others feel the same way.

It has worked out well for me and I think the few years breathing space has done us good.

However we were claustaphobically close before and I am keeping them at a certain distance this time.

What I'm saying is it can be fun and interesting to see them. But it doesn't mean you have to become good friends again.

HTH

ok

I wouldn't, if you are not going to enjoy it.

And I personally wouldn't enjoy spending a festive lunch with people who had sided with a bully against me and let their husbands call me a c**t. Like I say, for me, life's too short.

Do you want to go? Will it be a laugh? Or a duty? Don't go if its a duty.

Yes It will be a bit of fun albeit shallow and superficial, thats why I am thinking not too bother. I can see reasons for going, i.e. to show I am still that friendly person with no hard feelings but on the other hand why? They still don't bother with me, I am now just there IYSWIM. My best friend will obviously want me there but again, I just have this need to be actually wanted and liked and if I think it makes no difference to them whether I go or not then I guess I am saying 'whats the point'? They are never going to be great friends anyway, just people I used to spend time with just because our kids are at school together.

If they are asking all the mothers in the class, then could you just not sit with your old friends but sit with some of the other mums?
That way you could use it as an opportunity to make new friends, and at the same time show your old friends that you are not cutting yourself off (but are also not forgiving and forgetting...)

urgh, just read that back. Does it make sense?

yes, don't be precious about people meeting up without you - everyone is subject to that...and you may find you rekindle friendships, or at least have a laugh...